Healing
by freakyhazeleyes
Summary: All Human love story between Bella and Edward. Rated T. Forced into therapy, a bond is forged between two teenagers trying to deal with their broken histories.
1. Prologue

Healing

**Healing**

_**Prologue**_

'_I hate night shifts.' _Dr. Marcy Thatcher thought as she walked through the long hall where her patients were all sleeping soundly. It was one of those rare occasions where the teenage patients of Palo Verde Psychiatric Hospital were allowed to congregate in the large mess hall for a "slumber party" as some of her more rowdy kids had taken to calling it. There were limitations of course. The genders were separated on opposite sides of the room, leaving a gap in the middle for the supervising doctors to walk down; making sure no unacceptable behavior was being committed. Each patient was given a sleeping bag and they brought their pillow from their rooms with them. They played games, watched movies, read books, listened to music; just about anything they wanted before it was lights out at 10 o'clock.

Marcy was just about to go for a short little break, allowing a nurse to take over for her when she saw them; it was very hard to make them out from the glowing moonlight in the room, but she definitely saw them. His bronze locks peeking out of his sleeping bag and glinting in the moonlight tipped her off to just exactly who they were.

Shaking her head and sighing softly, she carefully made her way over to two of her patients who were seriously pushing the rules. They were sleeping side by side right at the dividing line down the middle of the room the closest space to the back wall. Thinking of these two uniquely different people, she had to smile to herself. They were complete opposites, yet they had clung desperately to each other the past six months they had been here. They were her favorites; she wasn't even ashamed to admit it, and she was sure the other doctors would agree with her.

Looking down at the sleeping pair, she smiled softly. Going down to her knees and trying not to wake them, she lifted the one unzipped sleeping bag that was covering them both; the other was lying underneath them, providing a cushion of some sort. Coming to a stop, she looked down at the sight before her. Both were still fully clothed, thank God; they'd be in worlds of trouble if that were the case. The sleeping girl was on her back, her torso twisted so she was facing him, her glasses still on her face, brown hair fanned across the pillow. The sleeping boy was lying on his stomach, facing the girl, almost looking as if they had fallen asleep mid-conversation. But what caught Marcy's attention was the position of their hands. Resting right on the dividing line, the fingers of the girls' right hand and the fingers of the boys' left hand were laced together, again, clinging to each other even in sleep.

Her heart swelling at that sight, and a soft smile on her face, Marcy carefully placed the sleeping bag back over them. Yes, Bella Swan and Edward Cullen were definitely her most favorite patients.

**Author's Note: **So I've had this idea floating around in my head for awhile so I decided to write it down. Please tell me what you think. It might take me awhile to get updates going, but if it gets popular then I will. Please review and I will certainly write more.


	2. Chapter One

Healing

**Healing**

"_How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child." – William Shakespeare._

"'_Hope' is the thing with feathers_

_That perches in the soul – _

_And sings the tune without words_

_And never stops – at all." – Emily Dickinson_

_**Chapter One**_

_Six months earlier…_

Esme Cullen shifted nervously in the stiff chair located in the lobby of the Phoenix Municipal Courthouse. Her husband was in deliberations on the fifth floor with their lawyer, Dr. Stanton and his lawyer and the judge who was appointed to their case. Looking around the familiar courthouse, she noticed it was busier then the several previous occasions she and her family had had the unfortunate pleasure of being there.

Averting her gaze back to her son, she sighed mournfully. How had it come to this? Why was this happening? Three years ago, she had a happy, healthy, well-rounded son, gifted in academia and music; now, she barely recognized the angry, depressed, suicidal seventeen year old that sat across from her. Nothing about him was familiar beyond the physical. He still had the bronze messy hair of his youth, but the green eyes that used to burn with life were now cold and dead.

Edward Anthony Cullen, a name that used to bring a bright smile to her face, now only brought worry and fear. He sat across from her, swathed in dark wash jeans, a black tee shirt and a black sweatshirt, the hood pulled up over his hair, a pair of grey converse on his feet. His long legs were stretched out in front of him, arms crossed over his chest, head tilted back; he appeared to be napping. The ear buds of his iPod were in and Esme could hear the blasting heavy rock music. The only movement Edward gave was the patterned tapping of his left foot.

She felt guilt for her son's current state. Any mother would. The events of the past two and half years had left her previously fragile son, broken. Those shattered pieces of his soul had become hardened to any and all attempts she and her husband made to bring him out of the despair he was in. He was angry; and rightly so in her opinion. But she desperately hoped he would've snapped out of it by now. It had been almost three years; he needed to let it go. But, actually remembering what her son had been through, she knew letting go might never happen. There was a battle going on inside of her son and all she could do was sit on the sidelines and watch as the mistakes of someone else tore her son apart at the seams; and she felt the guilt for not being able to stop it. And the behavior he had been exhibiting over the past few months told her he had a long and winding path ahead of him.

At first, it had just been little things; a result of the aftermath. Cheating at school, skipping classes, getting into numerous fights with kids he had previously been friends with. She had overlooked it, claiming her son needed to readjust some aspects of his life. How naïve she had been. Of course any fifteen year old would be devastated after what her Edward had been subjected to; she should have known he would need more than just readjusting. Then, she had found the drugs. It was just after he had turned sixteen in the summer. Things around the Cullen house had returned to some form of normalcy and Esme had felt she could breathe again. She had been doing a bit of laundry and going through the pockets of her sons' jeans, she came upon a bag of marijuana, a couple of small strips of paper and a lighter. When confronted by both her and her husband that night, Edward had given them an earful of angry yells and curses about never going through his things again.

Of course, they had put their collective foot down. Limiting the time he spent away from the house and certain other privileges like no cell phone, no TV, no computer, only seemed to make Edward determined to push their buttons even more. Her husband, a doctor at the Mayo Clinic in Phoenix, had enrolled him in drug treatment, but that just fueled the already burning hatred in Edward's soul.

They had tried everything after that; anger management, family therapy, individual therapy for each of the three of them, teenage group therapy, Edward saw numerous physicians who prescribed anti-depressants, but nothing seemed to reach him. He thought it was all one big joke and liked to point that out as much as he could. One of Edward's therapists had told her once that an unwillingness to heal was a key role in her sons' case. Edward was callous; almost pretentiously so. The drug use had just increased in response to her and her husbands' efforts to help him and she felt so powerless and small.

Sighing again, Esme turned her attention back to the elevators, awaiting the verdict for her sons' latest debacle. He had stolen a car. Not just any car, but the car of one Carlisle's fellow doctors, Dr. Stanton. And to top it all off, when the police found the car hours later in some alley, they had found her son as well, having sex with Dr. Stanton's fifteen year old daughter in the back seat. He had been slightly drunk, high and had a dusting of cocaine across his nose, or so the report had read. She and Carlisle had been horrified, picking him up at the Maricopa County Sherriff's Office, and upon seeing them, Edward had started cursing them at the top of his lungs before passing out cold. Yes, he had truly outdone himself this time.

Hearing the nearby elevators open, Esme turned her head and saw her husband, Carlisle, shaking hands with their lawyer. Hopefully a suitable agreement had been reached, although she still felt doubt in her stomach; this was the sixth offense on her son's record for the drugs, but only the first offense of a theft. Standing from her seat, she walked towards her son and shook his shoulder gently. Lazily cracking one green eye open to look at her, he shut it again and turned up his music. Sighing and turning towards her husband, she waited for the news.

When Carlisle reached them in the lobby, he kissed her cheek silently, then reached towards their son, yanked the ear buds out of Edward's ears and took the iPod from his pocket, turning it off.

Unfazed, Edward yawned slightly, stretched his arms and legs, and then stood up, facing his parents. Rubbing a hand down his face, he gave his father a condescending smile.

"So, dad what kind of community service is it this time? Picking up trash on the side of the freeway? Reading Dr. Seuss to underprivileged idiots? Helping out the old people again, because we all know how much fun I had the last time." Edward said, sarcastically.

Carlisle just stared levelly at his son. "No. No community service this time." He told Edward in a quiet voice. Esme felt a cold feeling seep into her stomach at his tone.

Laughing quietly and shaking his head slowly, Edward didn't seem to notice his father's tense mood.

"How much money did you use then to get me off the hook?" Edward asked.

"No money." Carlisle said, shaking his head in the negative.

"Well, you must be better at persuasion then I thought. Good job dad." Edward said that cold smile back on his face.

Carlisle, still gazing evenly at his son, only nodded. A brief feeling of relief flooded Esme's system; she truly believed Edward had been given a respite.

"Yes," Carlisle spoke to Edward, "you'll only have to be there for three months, four or five at the max."

Relief gone, Esme watched as the smile was wiped from her son's face. "Be _where_ for three months?" Edward asked, a hostile edge filling his voice.

Esme's hand clutched at her husband's shoulder desperately. "Jail?" She whispered in a small, frightened voice.

"No." Carlisle said, reassuring her with a gentle squeeze of her hand. "Edward is still a minor and since this is the first offense of theft, and because Dr. Stanton dropped the charges, he won't have to serve any jail time. The judge, however, reviewed your records." He said turning back to Edward. "He feels that being in this setting, with all of the luxuries we've given you, is only turning out to be detrimental to your therapy. He's ordered for you to be sent to a treatment center."

"I won't go." Edward said angrily, crossing his arms in a defensive manner.

"Yes, you will. If I have to sedate you and drag you there myself, so help me God, you are going." Carlisle said, stepping forward towards Edward; Esme's hand clutched his shoulder trying to remind him of where they were and to not make a scene.

"This is going to end." Carlisle said in a dangerously low voice. "These antics, the drugs, the skipping class, the sex; it's all going to _stop!_ You have worn your mother and me out, and now it's time to grow up. Stop acting like the world is out to get you and grow up."

Trying to appease the situation, since neither her son nor husband appeared to be backing down, she stepped in between them. "Where is this treatment center? What's its name?"

"The Palo Verde Psychiatric Hospital. It's down in Tucson and it comes highly recommended for…_cases…_like Edward's." Carlisle told her, never leaving his eyes from Edward's face, almost daring his son to speak against him again.

Turning to her son, Esme hesitantly lifted a hand to his cheek. "I think it would be good for you. We've tried everything else, honey."

At the endearment that came from her mouth, Edward shook her hand off his face. "The one thing you haven't tried is leaving me the hell alone." Edward sneered at her. "Do you honestly think I _care_ what you think?"

Carlisle stepped forward again. "That is enough." He whispered the dangerous tone back in his voice. "You are going and that is it."

Edward kept his eyes locked with his father. "I turn eighteen in five months; you can't keep me there past that time." He said in a challenging tone.

Sighing and closing his eyes tiredly, Carlisle just nodded his head. Edward, silently fuming, stalked off towards the glass doors of the courthouse, leading the way to the car. Esme grabbed hold of her husband's hand and together, they left the courthouse, with hope in both of their hearts that it would be for the last time.

**Author's Note: **Thanks to all who reviewed the prologue! I really do enjoy hearing what you guys think of each chapter I put out, whether it's good or bad, so please send me some feedback. I've mentioned this to some people, but I really want to write this story the right way, so my updates might be spread out. I already know how it's going to end and I have tons of ideas for the middle chapters; I just have to put them together in a cohesive way.

Thanks again for reading and (possibly) reviewing!


	3. Chapter Two

Healing

**Healing**

**Author's Warning: **So this chapter deals with some dark themes, so I'm warning you now. I'm drawing strictly from my own pool of experiences with these issues, and I mean absolutely no offense to anyone!

"_The real reason for not committing suicide is because you always know how swell life gets again after the hell is over." – Ernest Hemingway_

"_The flesh endures the storms of the present alone; the mind, those of the past and future as well as the present." - Epicurus_

_**Chapter Two**_

Letting the numerous brochures fall to the tiled bathroom floor, Bella sank to her knees, sitting back on her heels, her back hitting the white wall with a soft thud. She was facing the cupboards attached to the sink and mirror, the tub was next to her. Taking in a deep breath, closing her eyes and letting her head fall back to the wall behind her, she let out a long sigh. Today, her father, the only family she had, had given her an ultimatum. Get help or get out. And he had done his homework too. Going behind her back and talking to her therapist, Charlie had found out she wasn't exactly making the kind of progress she had led him to believe she was making. She had only been going to weekly therapy sessions for about four months, but her father had wanted immediate results so that was what she gave him; only in theory of course. Charlie had come home from work, thrust all of these colorful informational brochures at her and demanded she get herself the kind of help she needed, or to kindly get the hell out of his house. Apparently, the irony was lost on him, since both scenarios required Bella to leave.

With her eyes still closed, Bella spread the brochures out on the floor next to her. She allowed her hand to hover over them, moving slowly back and forth, before placing it on top of one of them and bringing it up to her face. Squinting because of the absence of her glasses, she saw her future. Palo Verde Psychiatric Hospital. Step one: complete.

Placing the brochure for the hospital on her other side to be dealt with later, Bella lifted the long sleeve of her white shirt. The cotton fabric was thick enough to cover what she needed it to cover. It's not like she _wanted_ to do it. No, she _had_ to do it. And that was just something they didn't understand. They thought she was troubled; maybe. They thought she wanted to die; possibly. They begged her to stop; it wasn't that easy. This was the only connection she had left. This was her form of a morbid séance. In these moments when she took the blade and pressed it to her skin, she felt the presence she craved for the most; she felt the approval she craved for the most. In these moments it was like her mother had never left her.

Reaching across the floor to the cupboards, she opened one of the doors and reached under the loose board on the bottom to get her "stash." Grabbing the band-aids as an after thought, she sat back against the wall and observed the shiny razor blade. How one tiny piece of sharp metal could cause so much upset was a wonder to her. She had always liked shiny objects, but when she was thirteen, they took on a whole new meaning. Shiny meant metal, metal meant a kitchen knife, a kitchen knife meant death. It had taken her a couple of years to gain the courage to actually do it, but she had kept a blade close to her ever since that day, so she would never forget. Then, finally, about ten months ago, she felt the desperate urge to know what the feeling was. What she had witnessed when she was thirteen had played over and over again in her mind, and she wanted to know if she could have it too. That emotion on her mothers' face had been…well, Bella didn't know what it had been. She was hoping to find it. That's how all of this started.

Her mother hadn't wanted to die; she had just been indulging the side of her that had been repressed for too many years of marriage to Bella's father. Charlie and Renee just weren't suited, even Bella knew that. Charlie _never_ wanted to do anything; Renee wanted to _try_ everything. And one of her experiments had gone horribly wrong. That's what Bella had been told, coming home from school one day in spring four years ago, finding her mother on the kitchen floor, knife in hand, lines of red down both wrists. She hadn't been allowed to call her father or the police because her mother claimed she'd be fine; it was just a scratch.

It had just been a horrible mistake; Bella had clung to this belief for almost five years, regardless of what the police ruled as her mothers' accomplished suicide, her fathers' attempts to make her see reason and her therapists' attempt to make her stop wanting the same feeling she had witnessed in her mother's eyes that day. The emotion Bella still could not put a name to. She knew she'd be able to name it when she had it herself.

Taking a deep breath, shaking those thoughts from her head, and closing her eyes, Bella pressed the blade to her skin and pressed down. She felt the pain at first; she always did. But then, everything went away. All of the noise from outside, the TV down in the living room playing some sports event for her father, the pounding of her heart; all of it was put on mute as the calm swept over and through her. And behind her closed eyes, Bella saw her mothers face. The way it had been that day; the day of her death. The only time Bella had really seen her alive.

Taking another deep breath and letting it out slowly, Bella wiped the small stripe of blood off her arm, and placed the band-aid over it. She stood up slowly and faced the mirror. Taking her dark brown hair up into a pony tail and wiping the few tears from her cheeks, she bent and picked up the brochure of the hospital that would be her new home.

**Author's Note: **So because this chapter was more from Bella's perspective, I was able to tell you more of what happened to her than I was with Edward. But don't worry; we're slowly getting there with Edward as well.

Please leave me some reviews! Thanks!


	4. Chapter Three

Healing

**Healing**

"_The biggest disease today is not leprosy or tuberculosis, but rather the feeling of being unwanted." – Mother Theresa_

"_Beauty is unbearable, drives us to despair, offering us for a minute the glimpse of an eternity that we should like to stretch out over the whole of time." – Albert Camus_

_**Chapter Three**_

Looking around the colorful lobby of the Palo Verde Psychiatric Hospital, Bella tried to conceal the fact that she was impressed by her new "prison." It looked rich; all of the brown and black fabrics covering the lush couches and chairs of the lobby complimented the paint on the walls, the windows were placed in just the right spots so the Arizona sun was shining in to the room, but not enough to be blinding, green plants were everywhere, some even had blossoms and the paintings on the walls depicted scenes of peace and tranquility, although that _was_ to be expected Bella thought with a tiny snort. She was seated in one of those very comfortable lush chairs, her duffle bag at her feet. Her brown hair was flowing around her, creating a curtain around her pale heart shaped face. Her brown eyes gazed around her through the glasses on her face and her small fingers fiddled with the sleeves of her navy blue long sleeved shirt. It was the beginning of February so she could still get away with wearing long sleeves for a little bit longer; hiding what she didn't want others to see.

Hearing the faint clacking of heels on the tiled floor to her right, Bella glanced over and saw a tall woman wearing khaki slacks and a black button up shirt striding towards her. The woman's long curly deep red hair was pulled back in a low ponytail, tendrils coming over her shoulders, framing her neck. She had a smile on her face, making her appear friendly and warm, but Bella knew better.

Standing up when the woman reached her Bella grabbed her duffle bag and held it out for the woman to take with a slight roll of her eyes; yes, Bella knew the drill well. They search your stuff, removing the _detrimental_ materials and make you go cold turkey until you crack under the pressure.

A frown now gracing the woman's face, she only held out her hand, an offering for Bella to shake it. Blushing at her mistake, Bella lowered the bag again to the floor, and shook the woman's hand with confusion racing through her veins.

Smiling again, the woman held on to Bella's hand. "You must be Isabella. I'm Dr. Marcy Thatcher. You can call me Marcy if you'd like. Welcome to Palo Verde."

"You're not gonna check my bag?" Bella asked incredulously.

Pursing her lips, the doctor looked at her. "Is there something in there you'd like me to see?" She asked Bella. "We like to use trust as a motivating factor here. I trust that you didn't bring anything that would be harmful to you or others here. And now it's up to you to prove me right or wrong."

Bella just looked at her, not responding. Dr. Thatcher just continued to smile at Bella as if nothing were amiss and began leading her down the tiled hallway from which she came.

"So, you're father couldn't stay with you? I was looking forward to meeting him." Dr. Thatcher said to Bella.

"No, he's going up to Lake Pleasant this week." Bella replied a little bitterly. Her father was never one for the emotional goodbye.

"Oh, is he passing through New River? I hear it's quite nice this time of year." Dr. Thatcher asked her. Bella just quirked her eyebrows in response and nodded her head once, seeing through her attempts at making small talk.

"I'm just going to take you on a little tour of the … "campus" – some of the kids have taken to calling it that," she told Bella, with a little laugh; Bella just rolled her eyes. This woman was far too…happy. It irked Bella even more when she continued speaking.

"I'll be your main therapist, but you'll meet the other doctors here as well. In the mornings you'll go to breakfast then have time for various school courses we have on an online program. Then there's lunch and then some activity of your choosing; something to do entirely for yourself – whether it be art or music or reading; it all counts towards your therapy though. After dinners every night, we have a group therapy session where everyone in the group just talks about their day, whether it was good or bad, what they could do to change that or make it better. It's just a time for everyone to get to know each other better." She was rambling on and on, but Bella just tuned her out in favor of memorizing her surroundings. It seemed like an actual home on the inside; not at all what she expected. There was a grand white staircase leading upwards to the two floors above them, windows everywhere. The hallways were expansive and the doors were either open or closed; doctors' offices where therapy sessions were conducted. As they passed by a couple of the doors, Bella casually glanced in the open ones and saw various doctors with their patients – some were lying on the stereotypical couches, just talking, others were pacing the length of the room they were in, gesturing wildly with their hands. When Bella passed by a closed door she heard muffled screams and crying. Apparently they had a very rigorous therapy regimen here.

They walked up the large staircase, passing some more teenagers who were carrying books and Bella remembered hearing Dr. Thatcher explain that she would be required to take some classes with the online program they had access to. That helped Bella relax some; at least she would be able to keep up with her school work and hopefully be on target for graduating.

Stepping onto the landing of the second floor, Bella saw another long hallway stretching from her left to her right. Turning around, she saw a large sitting area with the same plush couches and chairs with bookshelves against the walls and a large TV surrounded by some of the kids; they were playing a video game of some sort and arguing over the division of the teams. The staircase continued upwards on the other side of her to another floor. Turning back to Dr. Thatcher, Bella followed her along the hallway to a large set of doors.

"This is the mess hall where all of your meals will be eaten. There aren't any assigned seats or anything like that, but most of the kids usually sit with their roommates or the people in their group." She told Bella as they entered. Again, this room had large windows all the way down the long hall. The walls were white in this room and large oak tables were spread out across the floor. Kids were in the line to get food and Bella realized it must be around lunch time. Looking around Bella thought if she didn't know any better she would never have taken this place for a mental institution. Not because it was so open and light, but because of the people she saw. All these people in the mess hall looked absolutely normal. Her eyes scanned the large rectangular room again and then she gave another sigh, this one of disgust.

'_Of course! The beautiful ones always find each other; even in the loony bin!' _Bella thought, frustrated. They were sitting in the right corner of the room; farthest away from where she stood observing them. There were five of them, two blondes, two brunettes and a messy bronze head that seemed to stand out among the rest. Dr. Thatcher was speaking again, but Bella didn't pay any attention. Three of the five were boys – one of them all muscles with thick brown curly hair and he was sitting pretty close to one of the girls, who had beautiful long wavy blond hair and a perfect figure. They were sharing a tray of food and seemed to be teasing each other with content smiles on their faces. But Bella knew looks were deceiving. Looking to another boy, a tall blond boy, she noticed his worried expression as he tried to get the pixie-like, spiky black haired girl across from him to eat something on her tray. He kept pushing it towards her, but she would just push it back with a bit more force and shake her head at him. Bella noticed she did look sick; like she hadn't eaten in days. The small pixie girl turned her eyes to the other occupant at the table; the bronze haired boy. He said something to her that Bella couldn't hear, but knew it wasn't something good, because the black haired girl glared fiercely at him, picked up her tray and threw the whole thing in the trash and stalked towards the doors where Bella now stood. The bronze haired boy looked after her with a satisfied smirk on his face and Bella's brown eyes locked momentarily with his green ones. There was nothing remarkable in those depths, but she saw something. Something that struck a cord within her self. It was pain.

"Ah, here comes Alice; she's going to be your roommate." Dr. Thatcher informed Bella, pulling her away from those green eyes. This Alice came towards them and Bella got the full force of how sick she really did look. Dark circles under eyes, pale skin, she was even shorter than Bella, which just added to the overall effect. She was clad in a pair of light wash jeans, with a green tee shirt and a black sweater.

Noticing them, a smile lit up Alice's face. "Alice," Dr. Thatcher addressed her in a solemn tone. "What did we talk about?"

Sighing, Alice looked down at the ground. "That I have to eat at least half of what I put on my tray."

"And did you?" the doctor asked Alice gently.

"No, and I don't even feel bad about it." Alice told her with her head held high now.

Bella felt her eyes widen at that and she braced herself for the oncoming punishment. But it didn't happen. Dr. Thatcher just gave Alice a small smile and nodded her head. Ah yes, the trust factor which seemed to go hand in hand with the truth. Then she turned back to Bella.

"Alice, this is your new roommate, Isabella. I was wondering if you could show her to your room and help her get settled." The doctor gestured to doors leading out to the hallway.

"Sure, no problem." Alice said looking Bella up and down. With a parting smile, Dr. Thatcher left them there. Alice led Bella out of the mess hall and towards the stairs and she began speaking.

"So the third floor is where all of our rooms are. They usually assign roommates by last name, but my old roomie left a few days ago, so you're stuck with me." Alice said with a little laugh.

Bella just followed her up the staircase.

"Not much of a talker are we? Marcy's gonna love you." Alice said with a humorless chuckle.

"What do you mean?" Bella asked with an edge to her voice.

"Marcy _loves _making people talk." Alice said with some bitterness in her voice. "She knows exactly which buttons to press to make you practically scream all of the lovely little profanities you've got built up."

"I think she's rather annoying actually." Bella told her as they passed a nurses station in the middle of the hallway. It seemed like the dividing section between the two areas of the floor; one side for guys the other for the girls.

Alice laughed again. "She's already got you then. If she's annoying you, that's step one in her little process."

"What's step two?" Bella asked her, with a little trepidation in her voice. She didn't want any shrink messing with her emotions.

"Nice try. You'll find out in your first session just like the rest of us." Alice said opening the door of their room. It was an ordinary room, just like she'd imagined. The walls were a light blue; the floors were wooden with a glazed finish. There were two twin beds resting on the left side of the room with a large closet on the opposite. A window was in the middle of the back wall with bookshelves surrounding it; a couple of smaller plush chairs next to them.

"No bars on the windows? Oh that's right; they _trust_ us." Bella said condescendingly. She tossed her bag on the bed that Alice indicated was hers.

"Sad I know; but true." Alice said with a dramatic sigh. She watched as Bella began to unpack her things, placing her clothing on the shelves in the closet. Bella took out her toiletries kit and placed it in the table's drawer that was next to her bed. Bella turned back to Alice who was looking at her with questions written all over her face.

With a wry smile on her face, Alice asked, "So what are you in for?"

Bella's hand instinctively reached for her sleeve, wanting to make sure it hadn't ridden up during the time she'd unpacked. Noticing the movement, Alice's eyes flooded with understanding and a little excitement.

"Jasper's gonna _love_ you too." She said in a hushed voice.

"Who's Jasper?" Bella asked her, not fully understanding what she meant.

"You saw who I was sitting with at lunch right?" At Bella's nod she continued. "He's the blond guy who was sitting across from me."

"And why would he love me?" Bella asked narrowing her eyes a little bit.

Leaning towards her with a secretive smile on her face and looking like she had some elaborate secret she was about to tell, she whispered to Bella, "He's a vampire."

As her words sunk in, Bella's hand went back to her sleeve and she just stared at Alice, at a loss for something to say. Alice took her silence as the shock factor she was going for and she laughed with delight.

"It's called Renfield's Syndrome or clinical vampirism; you know he thinks he's a vampire. If only…" She trailed off with a dreamy smile on her face.

Thinking back to set of nice sharp razors she had packed away in her kit, Bella decided to be extra careful around this Jasper.

"What about the other three you were sitting with? Who are they?" Bella inquired.

"Oh, they're Emmett, Rosalie and Edward. Just you're basic anger management cases." Alice said with all the nonchalance in the world. Bella's ears had perked up at the mention of one of her favorite names. Edward. It was the name she had only found in her favorite classic novels, but it surprised and oddly delighted her to hear it in a modern setting.

She didn't know why she asked, but for some unknown reason she wanted to know. "Which one was Edward?"

A trace of annoyance flashed across her face. "He's the know-it-all red head that was at the end of the table." Bella would have described his hair as bronze, but red worked too.

Glancing at the clock on their table, Alice sighed. "I have to show you where the "activity" rooms are." She hopped off her bed and started towards the door. Looking around the room before leaving, a weird foreign thought entered Bella's head. She might like it there.

**Author's Note: **I'm really sorry for not getting this out sooner, but I just had a terrible case of writer's block. But at least it's super super long! I'm not sure if that's a bad thing or not.

Leave me some reviews telling me what you think! Hopefully the next chapter I'll be able to write from Edward's perspective; I've just been having trouble channeling him these days.

Again thanks for reading and reviewing!


	5. Chapter Four

Healing

**Healing**

"_Psychiatrists today…see the irrational hostility that people everywhere vent upon one another as chiefly projected self-hate." – Bonaro Overstreet_

"_Life only demands from the strength you possess. Only one feat is possible – not to have run away." – Dag Hammaskjold_

_**Chapter Four**_

_He was running. Running as fast as he could. He was in the hallways of the hospital and everything was passing in muted shadows and blurs. Black, white and grey, flashes of faceless people he had met in the last couple of days. He didn't know why he was running; he just knew there was something he was looking for. A desperate need to recover something; something lost. _

_The scenery changed abruptly and he was running through a forest. He saw dense brush and trees that weren't native to Arizona, but he didn't stop to ponder this. The shapes morphed and changed so his path was made easy for him. Then he heard her voice. The scenery changed again, blocking the path he was on so he was now lost. He spun around and around trying to find the source, but couldn't see beyond the leafy growth all around him. She was calling his name in that soft hypnotic way that he remembered, even after all of these years._

_Becoming frustrated, he began clawing at the branches obscuring his view, trying to get to that voice. But it was no use. The leaves were like a wall in front of him, suffocating him. He couldn't breathe…_

Edward's eyes snapped open and he realized he was gasping for air. His legs were tangled in his covers and he started kicking them off. He ran a hand down his face trying to calm down. Once his breathing returned to normal, he swung his legs over the side of his bed, but stopped when he met the angry gaze of his roommate, Jacob Black. The kid hadn't even tried hiding his loathing for Edward since he'd arrived. Edward just figured it was a territorial thing that went along with his condition. Edward tried fighting a laugh at what this kid thought he was – a werewolf. Stupid idiot.

"What?" Edward snapped at Jacob; the guy hadn't let up in glaring at Edward.

"You were yelling _again._" Edward rolled his eyes at that and got up to get his clothes from the closet. He grabbed a pair of dark wash jeans and a blue button down shirt and his grey converse.

"You don't have to listen." Edward said just as angrily, while pulling his clothes on. Honestly, at this point they were both cursing the policy of alphabetical ordering for roommates.

Huffing angrily, Jacob just increased the intensity of his glare. "I'm talking to Dr. Schiller; I need a different room, a _safer _room."

"I couldn't agree with you more; a straight jacket and padded cell would suit you very nicely." Then, after giving a glare of his own, Edward left the room and headed down to the mess hall for breakfast. Entering, he went to the line and grabbed a bowl for cereal. But he couldn't pick it up. Looking down, he saw another hand clutching at the bowl he had grabbed. Looking up the tiny arm covered by a long sleeved brown shirt, over the pale flesh of her exposed neck, Edward locked his irritated green eyes with a pair of brown ones, that looked even more irritated then his own. He recognized her as the new girl in his therapy group…Bella. She had met with everyone last night, her first night here, but didn't contribute much to the conversation. She just chose to sit and observe. Edward hadn't paid her much attention the previous night, because, well, she was a bit too plain for his tastes. Chestnut brown hair that matched her eyes behind those god awful glasses and too pale skin she hid behind lumpy long sleeved shirts just didn't do it for him.

Mindless of the fact that she was a girl and that there were plenty of other cereal bowls to choose from, he tugged on the one they were both clutching. But she didn't let up. She just tugged back, maybe with a tad bit more force then Edward had used.

"Let go. I had it first." He knew it was beyond juvenile, but he still had left over anger from his imbecile of a roommate.

"I saw it first." She countered, with another tug on the bowl. Rolling his eyes, and oblivious to about half of the room watching them, Edward grabbed her wrist and wrenched it off the bowl. Turning back to the selection of cereal choices, he heard her huff angrily and walk away. He shook his head and chuckled without humor under his breath.

Walking over to his usual table he shared with his group, he stopped short when he saw Bella-I'll-throw-a-hissy-fit-over-a-cereal-bowl-Swan in his seat. He liked that seat. He just stood there glaring at her. She had gotten some yogurt and fruit and was munching on it quietly, still glaring at him through her lashes.

Clenching his teeth together, Edward sat across from her, never leaving his eyes from hers. She seemed to want to engage in a silent staring contest and Edward would not back down. He poured milk from the container on his cereal and picked up his spoon, all without blinking.

"This chair is _so_ comfortable. I think I'll sit here every meal." She knew she was annoying him and he sensed she enjoyed it. He just sat there silently chewing his cereal, intensifying his glare every few seconds. She wasn't backing down though. Edward had made grown men start crying with the force of his glare and he was really putting every ounce of pent up rage into this one; but she wasn't backing down.

She just kept eating spoonful after spoonful of the white yogurt in her bowl and spoke to the anorexic pixie at her side, never taking her eyes from his. Finishing his cereal, Edward folded his arms across his chest and leaned back in his chair; he wasn't going to leave until she looked away.

Then something in her eyes changed. If he wasn't so good at reading people, he might not have noticed it. It was a small tiny change, but the emotion behind her eyes became softened a bit and…_understanding? _This confused him; what could possibly be dawning on her?

He didn't have to worry about losing their little staring contest because when Emmett came to their table he slammed his tray down on the table like he always did, grabbing everyone's attention. "So, Edward, the wolf do any howling last night?" Emmett thought it was hilarious that Edward's roommate was so deep in his own delusions he would even do things like a wolf.

Shrugging, Edward made no comment. He turned back to Bella and saw she was engaged in conversation with Alice again. He watched her for a few moments and saw how her expressions played and changed across her face. Her cheeks would sometimes get rosy when something was said, or they would go back to the same pale color as the rest of her face and neck. For some reason Edward couldn't look away and he grudgingly realized he didn't want to either.

Jasper was the first to say they should get to the computer commons for their classes that day. Today it was another discussion forum dedicated to Shakespeare. They would read excerpts from some of his works and then comment and discuss whatever prompt their instructor chose. Then Edward had to submit the week's math problems to be graded. It was all a ridiculous waste of time; he had a lovely inheritance waiting for him when he turned eighteen, he didn't need to be wasting his time here. But this was the condition his parents and the judge had set forth, so he would suffer in silence.

o-0-o

Sitting down on the couch in Marcy's office later that afternoon, Edward lazily met the eyes of the woman who was a thorn in his side. Jasper had warned him his first day about Marcy Thatcher and her annoying little "process" but he hadn't paid the warning any heed. Oh, but he should have. Marcy didn't like beating around the bush; she went straight for the good stuff, what she wanted to know. And on his first day, she went for the jugular…

"_So why'd you steal the car?" Marcy asked Edward as soon as the door to her office had been shut. He hadn't even been sitting long enough to get comfortable. He stared at her as she came to sit in the overly large stuffed chair in front of him. She held his file in her hand along with a notepad and a pen. A tape recorder was sitting on the table next to her, already recording the session._

_Her blue eyes bored into his and she had a small smile on her face that began annoying the hell out of him._

"_Why do you wanna know? I needed it, so I took it."_

"_You had a perfectly good Volvo sitting a few spaces away and you chose to steal the car of one of your father's colleagues? That seems odd to me." She said quirking an eyebrow at him, her smile widening just a bit, like she found something funny._

_Edward glowered at her, not offering anything else._

"_Did you have a panic attack?" She quietly asked him._

_Edward rolled his eyes at her and stood up from the couch and walked over to her book shelf, crossing his arms as he read over the titles. He felt her gaze burn into his back but he wouldn't give her the satisfaction of turning to face her. He heard the click of her pen and then the sound of it pressing against paper._

"_It's perfectly normal if you did." She continued. "Reading over the notes from your previous therapists in Phoenix tells me that you were close to a break through. But every time, it seems that you would do something to set yourself back. Sabotage yourself in a way. Acquiring new drugs, fighting on school property, and this last time, stealing a car. Why don't you tell me what you were feeling before you decided to take it."_

_Edward tried his best to ignore her but this woman was irritatingly smart. She'd done her homework on him and it was paying off for her._

"_Anxiety, fear, muscle discomfort…" She listed off the characteristics for him like a textbook. But everything that she listed was what he had been feeling that day and the previous days before it._

_Marcy observed him as Edward turned back towards her. She could tell he was trying extremely hard to keep his face in check, but she saw the truth in his eyes. He did panic; he was panicking; even now with this calm and collected façade he put on, he was panicking on the inside._

_Edward saw Marcy's face soften and he just glared at her even more. She took a deep breath and said words that pierced through his cold soul. "You have to forgive her Edward."_

_He felt the shock seep into his skin and sink through towards his bones and muscles. She was on very dangerous ground now. She dared bring up the one person that was forbidden from his mind as though he actually wanted to talk about her. He felt his heart begin to race as her image flooded his mind, faded from the years he hadn't seen her, and emotions he thought long dead were welling up in his system. No one had dared bring her up; not even his parents. Once that period in his life was over, his parents had pushed the memory of her aside and that had angered him. How could they just pretend that nothing had happened? How could he just pretend nothing had happened?_

_How dare Marcy Thatcher, someone he just met, presume to think she knew him well enough to bridge that subject?_

_She was either oblivious to the murder intent on his face, or she was very good at ignoring it because she continued. "Once you forgive her, then you'll be able to forgive yourself."_

_That was it, the last straw. Clenching his hands into fists and before he could do any lasting damage to her office or worse, the woman her self, Edward wrenched the door open, and heard it slam against the wall as he stormed out of her office._

Watching Marcy take her usual seat in front of him she flashed him a bright smile. He sent her one back, hoping she could read the sarcasm, insincerity and lack of respect for her in his face. Chuckling slightly, she got her notepad ready and started the tape recorder.

"So how was this morning, Edward? I saw you were getting to know Bella with a very interesting method. I didn't know yanking the poor girls arm off her body was a way of saying welcome."

"She was being a nuisance." Edward said in a monotone voice. He picked a piece of invisible lint off his shirt as she regarded him.

"How are you settling in? I know you've already been here a few days, but you're finding everything okay?" She seemed sincere in these questions, but Edward just nodded his head. Ever since the first session Edward didn't trust this woman.

She smiled softly at him again. "What would you like to talk about today?"

Edward huffed through his nose and his body shook once in a humorless laugh. "What would _you _like to talk about Marcy?"

"School, your friends, your parents…" She trailed off on that last one and Edward saw the bait; he decided to be adventurous and bite.

"School sucks, I don't need any friends, and my parents sent me here so that should answer any questions you have about them."

"Are you angry with them?" She asked, tilting her head to the right.

"They tried helping me in their own way; not that any of it worked." Edward said with a humorless chuckle.

"I meant are you angry with them for not noticing what was happening to you." She clarified.

Edward closed his eyes as the rage rushed through him. She never quit. She always found some way to get close to the subject of _her._ She obviously didn't understand; he never wanted to speak or think of her again.

"You know, in Greek, Cassandra means 'she who entangles men.' I found that quite interesting when I looked it up. It's very fitting too." She looked at him with an air of self-righteousness that made Edward fume even more.

But hearing her name; it raked over him like burning hot coals. He felt his stomach tighten as her memory washed over him again, drowning him in waves of anger, desire, but most of all guilt and sadness.

The next thing he knew, Edward had picked up the lamp on her desk near the door and smashed it against the wall before escaping her office at a run.

o-0-o

Bella was killing time before her first session with Marcy and was perusing the numerous bookshelves on the second floor. Picking up a novel that she had never heard of before, she looked around the crowded sitting area, before noticing a relatively quiet section, partially hidden behind a connecting wall with a very large inviting couch.

She walked over and flopped down, opening the book the first page and began reading. She was almost finished with the first chapter when she heard hurried footsteps pounding on the wooden floor. She looked up in time to see a very angry Edward Cullen enter her little hiding place. He didn't seem to notice her as he sat down next to her on the other side of the couch. He didn't relax against it though. His back was ram rod straight, his hands clenched into fists on his legs. His eyes were closed and he was breathing harshly through his nose; lips pursed in a thin line. His hair looked wild, like he'd been running and his cheeks were pale; paler than this morning.

"Are you-" she was cut off abruptly when he growled at her to shut up.

Clenching her teeth in frustration at this vexing person next to her, she turned back to her book, glaring at the word until they blurred together. Edward was still silently fuming next to her.

Bella's next action surprised even her. She didn't know why; she just knew he needed something, anything, to calm him down. With her eyes still trained on her book, she reached her right hand across the cushion separating them and laid it, palm down, across the top of his closed fist. She felt him recoil slightly from her touch, but she ignored that and started lightly rubbing her thumb over the knuckles of his hand.

The words on the page slowly came back in to focus and Bella picked up where she had left off. Little by little, she felt Edward relax. His breathing returned to normal. His hand still in a fist wasn't clenched so tightly. She continued rubbing his hand gently and then he surprised her. He slowly opened his fist and with his palm meeting hers, he gently laced their fingers together and squeezed her hand in what she took as a silent thank you.

**Author's Note: **Alright, so I don't know about you, but I really like this chapter. I've also decided that Sunday's will be when I update this story, unless I get sudden bursts of inspiration.

Again, thanks for reading and please leave me some reviews!


	6. Chapter Five

**Healing**

"_Communication is and should be hell fire and sparks as well as sweetness and light." – Aman Vivian Rakoff_

"_Music is given to us specifically to make order of things, to move from an anarchic, individualistic state to a regulated, perfectly conscious one, which alone insures vitality and durability." – Igor Stravinsky_

"_One of the most difficult things to do is to paint darkness which nonetheless has light in it." – Vincent van Gogh_

_**Chapter Five**_

'_What is it with this place?'_ Edward wondered, as he sat down at his computer for the days' lessons. He had been at the hospital now for over two weeks and every single night he had the same dream. He was running towards something or from something; he still didn't know which. He was always in an unfamiliar forest and couldn't find his way, and he always managed to choke him self awake. It was very unnerving, but he hadn't brought it up to Marcy; she would just get all mystical and start dream interpreting. No thank you; Edward would keep them to him self.

Looking at the computer directly across from him, he saw Bella take her seat and smile at him. They had made a tentative friendship over the past two weeks, but Edward was still wary of her. He never liked getting too close to people and he had already crossed some of his barriers with Bella. They had held hands. Granted it had been for only a few short moments when he had been practically inconsolable, but he couldn't ignore the tingles her tiny palm had sent up his arm. At just one touch from someone he had just met, Edward had been able to reign in his anger and frustration with the world. Then he did something he never thought he would do. He made an effort. He wanted to know this person who had made such a kind gesture when he had been at his worst. He wanted to repay her in a way for helping him that day. He just didn't know why or how to do it.

This was completely different for Edward. Of course, he'd had sex with numerous girls before, but carnal lust and a deep admiration were completely different emotions. Smiling back at Bella, he opened the internet browser to sign into his account, promising himself that he would find a way to help her like she had done for him.

o-0-o

Looking up at the clock, Marcy smiled back at Edward. _'Oh God. What now?'_ He thought. He had become conditioned to know that her smiles never meant anything good for him.

"Congratulations Edward." She said to him. _'What?' _Edward looked back at her with puzzlement written all over his face.

"This is the first session you've stayed the whole way through since you've been here. No broken furniture or slamming the door against the wall in your haste to leave. Progress."

Edward had to smile at that. Yes, the past two weeks had been difficult, but Marcy now clearly understood his boundaries over one subject, one person, he didn't wish to talk about.

"I think this deserves a bit of a reward." With that, she stood and went over to her desk. Opening a drawer, she pulled out a manila folder and returned to her seat. Edward stayed slumped back in the couch, expecting some cheesy certificate of completing two whole weeks or some shit like that.

She extended the entire folder to him though. He gingerly reached out his arm and took it. It was thick; full of papers. When he opened it though, his entire body tensed. Inside the folder lay numerous pages of sheet music. Blank sheet music. The groups of five black lines of the music staff stood out amongst the white paper and he saw the words_ Composed by Edward Cullen_ printed at the top of each page as he thumbed through it. He was speechless.

"It's in your file of course, but when I spoke with your parents prior to you coming here, your mother mentioned how much she missed your playing. I was thinking maybe you'd like to get back into it. We have a very nice piano and some keyboards up in the music conservatory; if you hadn't already visited up there."

Gulping and closing the folder, his hands gripped it in his lap. "Thank you. Can I go?" He asked in a brusque tone.

Smiling again, she nodded her head. "Just one more thing. I think you're making progress Edward, but it's slow. We're going to have to talk about it sometime. You can go now."

He walked briskly away from her office. He wasn't paying attention to where he was going, but his feet took him to the place he had gone almost everyday since arriving there. The music conservatory. Entering, he reverently regarded the large black piano that stood in the corner, making his footsteps quiet as he approached it. It was a religious experience for him to be near a piano; all those years of practice and hard work had taught him to be respectful to the instrument.

Lightly running his fingers over the black and ivory keys, Edward sighed. This was what his hands were meant to do, play and create music. It just satisfied his soul on a very deep level. He sat on the bench in front of the piano and set the folder on top of it. He hadn't played a note in almost three years, not even just pressing down on the keys to make noise. Music, at least for him, allowed the emotional floodgates to open and he was terrified at what might come out of him.

This was a tie to his past, a past he would rather shove in a dark closet somewhere and never return to again, but it wouldn't leave him alone. _She _wouldn't leave him alone. Her voice followed him in his dreams and her image would randomly appear in his mind.

He had tried to say no; honestly he had. But she had made everything feel so different, because she was so different. He had always been a brainiac; Edward 'piano hands' Cullen to the girls he had gone to school from kindergarten all the way to his freshman year of high school with. But then walking into his advanced Algebra class; being the lonely freshman surrounded by sophomores and juniors, Miss Cassandra Hayes, his teacher, had made it a point to take him under her wing. He hadn't seen it as favoring, but the other students did. She had been kind to him and encouraged his piano playing; counseled him on different matters that were important to a fifteen year old boy. Of course he had been struck by her beauty, but so had every other hormonal boy his age. There was no way a beautiful young teacher would ever find anything worth while in him. But she had.

He didn't remember when or why their relationship had changed, but it did. And he had been presented with a conundrum: he wanted it to stop; knew it had to stop, but he couldn't stop…because she made him feel different.

Standing abruptly, he grabbed the folder from the top of the piano and all but ran from the room and the demons from his past.

o-0-o

Sighing in anger and frustration, Bella glared at the piece of paper in front of her, wishing for the life of her that she was an artist. Why couldn't she draw it correctly? It should have been easy enough; this dream spot her mind liked to go to for the past two weeks had been haunting her and so she had decided to draw it; try and get it out of her system. But it wasn't working. It wasn't coming out right, and it was so frustrating!

Honestly, you'd think a round patch of earth covered in wildflowers and surrounded by numerous trees would be easy to draw out on paper, but it wasn't.

Ever since starting her therapy with Marcy, Bella had been having these dreams. She would always start out walking in a strange forest, not like the one up in Flagstaff or Prescott, but somewhere unknown to her. She would always end up in this meadow and she would get the feeling like she was waiting for something.

Thinking of Marcy, Bella inwardly cringed. She was not going to be happy with Bella today. There were two new cuts on her arm since yesterday and that meant that Bella would have to walk around with her sleeves rolled up for two whole hours tonight. The _condition_ Marcy had set…

"_I'm not going to take away your cutting Bella, because I know how important it is to you right now." Marcy had told her; it was about halfway into her first session and Bella was already pacing the length of the room in annoyance._

_Laughing bitterly, Bella knew this song and dance very well. "What's the catch then?"_

_Smiling, Marcy shrugged nonchalantly. "Your previous doctor told me how much you hate other people seeing your scars, so for every new cut, you have to roll those sleeves up for one hour and be out in the open."_

_Bella was stopped right in her tracks. She gawked at her. "That's blackmail."_

_Marcy just pointed at her arms. "That's suicide."_

Bella had tried to stop, and it had worked for a couple of days, but then last week she had slipped. One single tiny line and she'd had to go to dinner with her sleeves rolled up to her elbows. She felt like she'd been put on the spot with everyone looking at her like that. And she had promised her self she would have better control; because she wanted to get better; honestly she did. If not for her dad, if not for the memory of her mother, then for herself, Bella wanted to get better.

Hearing the seat across from her slide across the floor, she looked up and met a pair of green eyes. She felt the thrill of pleasure shoot through her stomach at seeing him; as had become her habit. They had been getting to know one another and she appreciated him; he had been the only one who didn't ask questions about her cuts; it's like he already understood.

"What are you drawing?" Edward asked, pointing to the paper in front of her.

"Trying to draw would be the correct way of stating it actually." She drawled in annoyance at her self. She handed him the paper so he could see her awful attempt for himself.

He examined her work for a couple seconds and then the corner of his mouth lifted in a crooked smirk. "This is pretty bad. What's it supposed to be?"

She snatched the paper back and glared at him.

"Hey," he held up his hands in an apologetic manner. "You said so yourself you were _trying_ to draw."

Bella sighed and gave him an apologetic look, then turned back to her paper. "It's _supposed_ to be a meadow, I think."

He was fighting a smile now. "You _think_? What do you mean you _think_?"

"I mean I don't entirely know what I'm trying to draw."

He gestured with his hands for her to go on.

"I've been having these dreams lately," she began in a quiet voice. "I always end up in this meadow and I just stay waiting there for…I don't know. For something."

Edward was just sitting there, looking at her blankly. She sighed; she knew he wouldn't understand. She began crumpling the paper angrily and stood. "Just forget it. It's stupid. I shouldn't have told you." And then she was out in the hall, racing to her room. She heard him call her name, but she didn't stop. She just knew those two hours she would have to suffer through tonight would be turned into three or four.

o-0-o

_Running. Always running. Trees of black, white and grey were zipping past him as he rushed through the forest and shapes blurred together and morphed into different scenes before his eyes. He was looking for something. Again. Even his dream like mind was getting irritated with the lack of his own imagination._

"_Edward…" That was her voice, calling out to him once again. He paused, like always, and he saw the brush of the leaves start to close in on him, like always._

_But then something changed. He felt something shift. He tried with all of his might to drown out her voice as it flooded his ears and he pushed forward. Through the thick brush that seemed to go on forever; he pushed forward. He was still breathing._

_He saw a light coming from up ahead and it beckoned him. He was walking now; all feelings of urgency gone._

_When he reached the pool of light, he stepped forward and entered…a meadow._

Edward's eyes snapped open. He was breathing heavily, but not gasping as he had in the past. It was still dark in his room and glancing at the clock, he noticed it was only four in the morning. He tried to roll over and go back to sleep, but Jacob was snoring heavily in the bed across the room.

Sighing, Edward got himself up and dressed for the day. He sat at the desk in the middle of the back wall and with a steady hand he grabbed a piece of paper and pencil and began to sketch.

o-0-o

Grabbing her cereal and fruit for the morning, Bella approached her table where Emmett and Alice were already sitting. About to take her seat, Bella noticed a rolled up piece of paper held together with a red ribbon next to her silverware. Placing her food down, Bella cautiously picked up the scroll and looked around. No one was watching her, so she carefully untied the ribbon and opened the paper. Her breath caught in her throat and her heart rate picked up as her eyes swept over the magnificent detailing of a real life version of a place she'd seen only in her dreams. The time, effort and care that had been put into this were not lost on her.

Hearing the chair across from her slide against the floor, Bella felt a sense of déjà-vu as her eyes met those of Edwards'. He looked tired and just a bit nervous as he looked at her face.

"It's not stupid." He said quietly.

Bella was still shocked speechless and she felt her eyes water slightly. She swallowed around the sudden dryness of her throat and she looked at the drawing of her meadow again.

Edward shifted nervously in his seat. He had thought this would be the perfect way to repay her for her kindness to him, but she had yet to say anything.

"Will you please say _something_?" He asked her a bit frustrated. "I mean, is it okay?"

She looked at the drawing a little while longer and then shook her head. "No it's not okay." She said in a hushed voice.

Edward felt his stomach tighten; he had failed. But then she continued.

"It's better." Her voice was strong with her next words. "This is how it looked in my mind."

**Author's Note (IMPORTANT): **Okay, please DO NOT hate me. I promise I will only go into flashbacks of **conversations**, and **only** **conversations**, between Edward and Cassandra; any sex this story contains will be between Bella and Edward. I will only mention how his feelings and emotions were corrupted by her, not any physical interaction they may have had.

Please keep an open mind. And please don't let this influence how you feel about the story; as I said I **WILL NOT** explore their physical relationship.

On to a lighter note, I want to thank all of you who have said kind words about the story! I really appreciate getting feedback from my readers and I love hearing from you guys! So please review and tell me what you think!


	7. Chapter Six

**Healing**

"_Who knows what true loneliness is – not in the conventional word but the naked terror? To the lonely themselves it wears a mask. The most miserable outcast hugs some memory or illusion." – Joseph Conrad_

"_One always begins to forgive a place as soon as it is left behind." – Charles Dickens_

"_That which enters the mind through reason can be corrected. That which is admitted through faith, hardly ever." – Santiago Ramon y Cajal_

_**Chapter Six**_

Taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, Bella reopened her eyes and gazed up towards the ceiling. Earlier that week, when Edward had given her the drawing, she'd quietly gone back to her room and tacked it on the ceiling above her pillow so it would be the last thing she saw when going to sleep at night and the first thing upon waking. It didn't matter how much she tossed and turned during the night, she always went to sleep on her back and woke in the same position.

But Bella was confused. And nervous. For the last couple of days, Edward had been…friendly. He would voluntarily start a conversation with her over breakfast about why she preferred vanilla yogurt to strawberry, why she liked Shakespeare and Bronte as opposed to the more modern authors like Vonnegut, Plath, or Ayn Rand. He wanted to know where she had gone to school in Phoenix and why their paths had never crossed before. He asked about her family. He asked about her mother. And whether he knew he was doing it or not, Edward was beginning to look at her in a way that made her both happy and _very_ nervous.

Sighing and forcing her thoughts away from Edward and her jumble of feelings, she turned on her side and faced Alice, who was sitting cross legged on her bed, with her math text book open, working on the assigned problems for the week.

Alice was beginning to look better. She was now eating regular, however still small, portions of food every day, and for that Bella was grateful to Marcy. The little pixie had become a friend and constant source of comfort to Bella and she wanted to keep her for as long as she could.

But right now, Bella needed distracting, and there had been something pushing at the edge of her mind now for a while, and she wanted some answers.

"Hey Alice?" Bella said quietly.

Alice didn't lift her head or stop from working on the math problems she had before her but tilted her head slightly and hummed so Bella would know she was listening.

Biting her bottom lip, Bella tried to word this as straightforward as she could. "I want you to tell me about Rosalie."

She saw Alice's hand freeze in the midst of her writing, and she felt the air in the room get suddenly tense and uncomfortable. Bella felt her stomach tighten; she knew she should have waited to bring this up.

Alice closed her eyes, sighed and then shut her book tossing it to the side of her bed. She shifted so she was facing Bella and pursed her lips.

"What do you want to know about her?"

"Well, for starters, why does she have her own room?" That was really the one thing about Rosalie that Bella never understood.

Alice locked eyes with Bella and seemed to be searching for an answer to some unwritten question. After a few moments, Alice sighed again.

"Okay, but you have to promise you won't say a thing. Only Emmett and I know, so does Marcy of course; Jasper and Edward just know about her anger issues. Everything that I say to you now, you have to keep to yourself." At Bella's nod, Alice let her shoulders slump and she clasped her fingers together.

"Does the name King mean anything to you?"

Bella creased her brow in confusion as her memory searched and searched for some recognition of that name. Social circles she'd been apart of or heard of, people in school or at rival schools, and then, it clicked. In some long ago distant conversation, where her father had been cautioning her, Bella remembered that name. Royce King.

"The rapist?" Of course. Bella had remembered the weeks of constant news coverage over this man, who had taken to terrorizing lone females at night.

Alice grimly nodded her head. "I knew Rosalie before coming here." Alice began. "Well, I guess I should say I knew _of _her; we went to the same schools for a couple of years, but we never had the same friends. She was always so calm you know, really content with her life. She was going back to her house after some party, and he came out of no where and pulled her into a back alley near her house. She fought him, but he was stronger. The way Rose described it to me; it was like something inside of her just snapped." Alice emphasized her sentence with a snap of her fingers.

"She says that when he finally got his…inside of her, she felt something shift. She says it was like this overwhelming rage took over and the next thing she knew…she was beating the hell out of him." Alice now had a proud look on her face.

"Oh my God," Bella whispered.

"Yeah, that was the first of her blackouts. It's strange; this was like the event that set off a chain reaction in Rosalie. But, do you want to know something worse? The bastard sued her."

"For what?" Bella sat up now, feeling the anger flow through her veins.

"Well, she was pretty hard on him-"

"Isn't that just self defense?" Bella said that like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Alice nodded her head. "Sure. If she stopped beating the shit out of him _after_ she'd defended her self. The police were called because a neighbor heard _his _cries of pain; not hers. He had the nerve to tell a judge that Rosalie was unstable, but she would have been fine if he had been able to keep his own raging libido in check. He and his lawyer were pushing for her to do jail time, or to be locked away some where in a straight jacket. But Rose's lawyer was able to convince the judge that sending her here would be the better alternative."

Bella's head was swimming with all of this new information. She now understood Rosalie so much better. Bella would have done the same thing if it had been her.

"But he's in jail now right?"

Alice nodded her head. "She has her own room, because even though she blacked out during the rape, the memories of it come back in her nightmares. She doesn't want to hurt anyone who might…get in the way."

Bella fell back against her pillow again, her mind still racing. She had had no idea that _that _was why Rosalie was there.

Sighing and trying to adjust to this new dimension of Rosalie, Bella's eyes trained once again on the drawing above her bed. Flashes of green eyes and a crooked grin flew across her mind, and groaning, Bella grabbed her pillow and pulled it over her head. She really needed to do something about the elated butterflies in her stomach.

o-0-o

"So, how do we go about doing this then?" Edward was nervous. He was about to begin a very painful trip down memory lane and he had no idea how to do it. But waking up today, he just knew it was time. He was tired of fighting it. He was tired of trying to drown it all out. He just wanted freedom.

He had come straight to Marcy's office at his appointed time, sat down and said that he was ready. And he was ready, about as ready as you could be to relive the hell he had been through.

If Marcy had been surprised by this turn of events then she hid it well. She just sat back in her chair with a content smile and waited for him to begin. But Edward didn't know where or how to begin. He didn't even know how it started.

"Well, you could lie back on the couch first."

Edward glared at her. How was _that_ supposed to help him?

Laughing softly at his expression, she elaborated. "Most of my patients have found that when they're not looking at me, they feel freer to talk about things that they wouldn't otherwise."

Smiling wryly, Edward swung his legs up onto the couch and positioned his head on the arm rest behind him, muttering, "Gee, I wonder why that is?"

He put his hands behind his head, cradling it as he tried to think of where to start.

After a few moments of silence, Edward sighed, frustrated with him self. Maybe he wasn't ready after all; if no words were coming, how could he possibly describe how he felt about it?

"Edward, don't try so hard. Just close your eyes and take a deep breath. Relax. Just let the memories come. You'll know which one to start with."

"Yeah but I don't know." Edward growled at her. How could she say that?

"Sometimes, starting at the end can help jog the memories."

Clenching his hands together in fists behind his head, Edward closed his eyes. The end. The end? Which end? The one where they were found out? When he stole the car? When he took his last hit of cocaine? Which end? There so many loose threads to his past that any could be construed as _the end_.

And then it hit him. The end. The end of when his life made sense. The end of the very short line that blurred his relationship with her. When he had first realized he wanted to be something more with her. Something different than what he was, who he was.

And he knew where to start now…

_Clutching his golden rod schedule in his right hand and the music folder full of the piano pieces and scales he would have to know for the first semester concert, fifteen year old Edward Cullen walked down the crowded hallway to his fourth period Advanced Algebra class._

_Entering the room and not recognizing a single soul, all upper classmen, Edward went to the right corner seat at the front of the room. He felt awkward being in a class that was full of older people, but he didn't want to dumb him self down to remain with the few friends he had back in remedial math._

_Pulling out his notebook and pencil, he watched as the teacher wrote her name on the board. Ms. Hayes. Looking at his schedule, Edward felt relief, knowing he was in the right class._

_She continued writing the schedule for the class period on the board and Edward's eyes shifted as the long blond locks fluttered in the air conditioning and with every move of her arms. Turning to the class, he became entranced with her eyes. An unusual grey color, bright and wide. She smiled when the bell sounded and he felt his stomach flutter. She was beautiful._

_She began passing out a packet to every student and when she reached Edward, she planted the packet on his desk and leaned down to whisper, "You're my advanced freshman right?"_

_He nodded his head as his senses were overcome with her perfume._

_She smiled at him again and laid a warm hand on his arm. He felt the warmth rush all the way over his arm and down the rest of his body, pooling in his feet._

"_If you need any help, any at all, don't hesitate to come see me." And giving him a tiny wink she moved on to the front of the classroom._

_That first day, Edward could barely concentrate. He was fighting to understand all of these new feelings and emotions. Of course, he'd had a few crushes on girls, but this seemed more defined. Probably because he knew nothing would ever come of it. And that forbidden feeling made him wish for it all the more fiercely…_

…opening his eyes, he turned his head and looked at Marcy. She looked proud of him, and that made him feel like he had done something right for once.

"This is good, Edward. It's a very good start."

o-0-o

Edward had his hands stuffed in the pockets of his jeans as he walked up the large staircase to the second floor.

He didn't feel like going to his room, so he turned towards the large sitting area that comprised the entire floor. Spotting the blond head of Jasper, he walked over to where he was seated in an arm chair. As he drew closer he saw Alice was with him, her legs resting comfortably on his lap.

And then he saw her. She was faced away from him and was huddled into one corner of the long couch next to the arm chairs. Her head was leaning against the back of the couch, her long brown hair spread over her back.

Walking to the front of the couch, he briefly nodded at Alice and Jasper before taking a good look at Bella.

She was asleep. Long brown lashes behind her glasses rested on slightly rosy cheeks and her legs were spread out before her, shoes off on the floor. Her mouth was slightly parted and she was holding a book.

"She's been asleep for almost half an hour." Jasper said with an amused shake of his head.

Drawing nearer, Edward carefully smoothed a tendril of hair behind her ear. He removed the glasses from her face and set them on the table next to them. He gently removed the book from her hands and looking at the cover, he smiled slightly. She had taken one of his suggestions. _Anthem _by Ayn Rand.

Opening the book to the page she had flagged, Edward's eyes caught the last two sentences before the fourth chapter began.

"_So much is still to be learned! So long a road lies before us, and what care we if we must travel it alone!"_

o-0-o

Taking a deep breath, Edward carefully placed his hands over the ivory keys of the piano. He rested there for a few moments and then gently pressed down, beginning to play the scales from his memory.

**Author's Note: **So I'm sorry if this chapter seems like it's different from the rest of the story, but I wanted to explore some of the other characters, not just have them as pieces in the background.

I also hope the first memory of Edward's was written okay as well. I'm sticking very hard to my promise in the previous chapter of only going into as much emotional detail as necessary and no physical detail at all.

I hope you all liked this chapter! The author's I mentioned (Vonnegut, Plath and Rand) are among my personal favorites, so if you're ever in need of something good to read, you should check them out!

Please review and tell me what you think!


	8. Chapter Seven

**So voting has commenced! If you haven't already, go to Jayeliwood's profile and vote for the first round in the Sexy Edward Contest! Even if you've never heard of the contest, go check it out! You can vote too! There are a ton of wonderful one shots, and I'm really surprised and happy to see that my story Debauched is currently in the Top 10! Let's keep it that way. Videotapes is close in the number 11 spot and FedEx is in number 13 (remember these are all as I write this) which I think is totally awesome! If you're reading this and you voted for me, one trillion thanks and infinite smiley faces to you! If you haven't and you're interested in reading the contest entries, all of the submissions are in Jayeliwood's Favorite stories in her profile page. Over 130 stories of smut featuring our favorite Vampire! That ought to set your loins on fire if nothing else!**** So go vote! Vote for me, vote for someone else, just go vote!**

**Thank you and on with the story!**

* * *

**Healing**

"_True happiness is of a retired nature and an enemy to pomp and noise; it arises in the first place, from the enjoyment of one's self; and, in the next, from the friendship and conversations of a few select companions." – Joseph Addison_

"_Friendship is love minus sex plus reason. Love is friendship plus sex minus reason." – Mason Cooley_

"_He disliked emotion, not because he felt lightly, but because he felt deeply." – John Buchan_

_**Chapter Seven**_

"When did you first realize you're mother was unhappy?"

Bella was lying on the couch in Marcy's office, looking towards the ceiling. She was fiddling with the sleeves of her shirt and her mind tried to find an adequate enough answer. Her mother's face flashed through her mind, one for every juncture of Bella's life: first days of school, birthdays, vacations, small family gatherings, and even those rare occasions her family went to church.

"I guess I've always known she was never happy; she was just always sort of resigned to the life she chose. I mean, she and Charlie were never really like other parents; they didn't really spend a lot of time together. I never really saw them talk together or just sit and _be _with each other, you know the way a couple should just be comfortable together. Renee never liked the silence in a room. She got uneasy when it went quiet, but Charlie liked it. I guess my mom felt like he was suffocating her."

"Those are some good observations. You were able to notice all of these before you're mother killed her self? That's very mature for a thirteen year old."

Bella closed her eyes and snorted lightly. "I've had almost five years of dwelling on these _observations._ I've had time to think about it."

Marcy smiled as she wrote a couple of notes on her pad. She flipped through a couple pages in Bella's file and ran the index finger down the page, looking for something. She paused and a crease marred her forehead for the slightest second and then she snapped the file shut and composed her features back into a soft smile.

"Isn't there at least one time in your life, where you can see that your mother was genuinely happy? I mean, there must have been something."

"Besides the day she _accidently_ offed her self?" Bella crudely replied, turning a glaring pair of brown eyes on her therapist.

Sighing, Marcy shook her head at Bella. "Still refusing to see the truth. Well, either way, humor me."

Bella frowned and concentrated on the question. Genuinely happy. Bella didn't even know what that felt like, and she felt her head begin to hurt in trying to picture that on her mother's face.

She crossed her arms over her chest and chewed on her bottom lip. And then some distant faded memory crossed through her mind. With no other thought in her head Bella began speaking.

"I was eleven. She was going to pick me up after school for my dentist appointment and I was walking to her car. I got closer and I saw she was talking on her cell phone. She was laughing and animated; I'd never seen her like that. She looked so carefree and even through the tinted windows I could see this glow about her. She did look happy at that point."

"What happened next?"

"Well, I got in the car and she said she had to go and hung up."

"Do you know who it was on the other end?"

"It had to have been my dad. She said 'I love you.'"

"Hmmm." Marcy hummed and she clicked her pen again and wrote another note.

Those tiny noises were something Marcy liked to make whenever Bella was in therapy, and each one always made her confused and uneasy. What wasn't she telling her about?

Glancing at the clock, Marcy put her things on the table and looked at Bella. "Well, we're almost done. Let's see those arms."

Bella sat upright on the couch and gingerly lifted the sleeves of her shirt. It didn't matter that she had to do this every single day, she never got used to it. She tried so hard to hide them. She didn't even like looking at them in the shower.

Bella kept her head upright and her eyes forward as Marcy perused her arms for any new cuts. She was proud of herself. There hadn't been one for almost a whole week; a new record for Bella. And she was grudgingly aware of why that was. Edward. Every time she turned around, no matter where she was, he was there. In the hallways, in the breakfast, lunch and dinner lines, next to her in the computer commons, he even found her in the courtyard and they would just sit and silently read. But he was always around. And she wanted him to be around. She enjoyed their conversations. He added a dry humor to situations and she found him both funny and impressive. Edward saw the world differently, he liked to call people on their bull shit and he didn't play games. She appreciated that. She appreciated him. He wasn't all that bad to look at either if Bella were admitting things. She was finding it increasingly harder day after day to tear her eyes away from those vivid green depths and her fingers were battling with the rest of her body to run them through his messy bronze hair. Bella felt her cheeks flame at the most recent development of her little crush on him. She had begun dreaming about him.

She was also finding it difficult to breathe when he got close to her. And he was doing that a lot.

"Hmmm."

Bella was pulled from her musings when Marcy made that annoying sound again. She huffed; she had just begun a very nice daydream about Edward.

"Why do always make that sound?"

Marcy glanced up at her and smiled. "I just caught myself beginning to unconsciously analyze your scars. You know they're very telling. Look at them and tell me what you see."

Bella thought she was crazy, but indulged her anyway. Looking down at her arms, Bella just saw lines. Some were deeper than others and some longer.

Bella looked up and met the blue eyes of the red haired doctor and just shrugged one shoulder.

"I don't really know what I'm supposed to be seeing."

Marcy reached a hand over and traced a line that Bella didn't even remember; she must have done that one awhile ago.

"I can tell this is the first one." She said quietly, withdrawing her hand.

"How?" Bella looked at the scar and she couldn't tell the difference between any of them.

"If you look closely enough, you can see where your hand was shaking. You were nervous and scared. But then with the others, your hand was steady and sure. Deliberate. These ones that go deeper here; you were upset when you made these. And then these long ones; you wanted to escape from something. That's why you drew them out, to feel nothing for just a little bit longer. And then these few shorter ones," She indicated to the tiny lines that were probably not even half an inch, "you were reminding yourself. Reminding yourself of your mother."

Bella was breathless with that explanation. To think that someone could tell all of that just from the cuts on her arms.

"This is what we're working away from Bella. We need to get you to learn how to speak from your mouth; not on your arms."

o-0-o

"Alright guys," Marcy said sitting back in plush chair. They were all in a circle for their group therapy session that night. "I want you all to give me one word to describe today. And," she looked around at the six of them, "Rosalie, why don't you start." She clicked her pen and set it to the paper to begin writing once a word was said.

Rosalie scrunched her mouth up at one side of her face, her brow creased as she searched for a word. "Amusing." Her eyes switched to Emmett's face when she said it and she smiled slightly.

"Emmett?"

"Starving."

Marcy laughed. "You're always hungry."

Emmett turned his head and winked at her. "Not that type of hunger Marcy." He reached for Rosalie's hand a squeezed it gently.

"Easy Emmett." Marcy said in a reproachful manner. "Jasper?"

"Better."

"How so?" Marcy asked him.

"Well, Alice and I were in the art room and someone sliced their finger. Alice held my hand and talked my ear off to distract me."

"Very good. Alice?"

"Full. Not just in the food sense either." Alice crossed her legs under her next to Jasper on the couch.

Marcy nodded her head and turned to Bella.

"Um, I guess, anxious." She snuck a surreptitious glance at Edward across the circle from her. His eyes were alight as he met her glance and he flashed a smile, making her cheeks bloom.

"And lastly, Edward?"

Edward paused for a moment and then looking at Bella's face again he said, "Blooming."

Bella felt her cheeks redden even further as Edward's smile widened. The obvious reason for that word was not lost on her or anyone else. Jasper and Alice snickered from their positions on the couch, while Rosalie and Emmett laughed out loud. Marcy just had a knowing smile on her face and chose to write her notes.

Emmett's eyes switched from Bella to Edward for a few seconds. "Be still my heart." He teased.

o-0-o

He was doing it again. Following her. And looking at her. He was knowingly making her nervous and it bothered her. Bothered her because she wanted him to. But she shouldn't. She wanted him to give her the feeling like her stomach was a separate part of her body, floating somewhere else, while her heart was thumping so wildly in her chest that she feared it would explode. But she shouldn't. Her hand ached to touch his, like that first day. Her eyes burned to look into his and she was shaking. Shaking with the desire to just be with him. But she couldn't.

Edward was acting a bit obvious. That morning Bella had found him loitering out in the hall, and when she and Alice had emerged from their room to go down to breakfast, he had struck up a conversation with the both of them about that week's math assignment. He walked rather close and Bella felt her body rejoice in the heat and nearness. She hadn't realized it, but her face held a smile all the way down the mess hall.

Edward stood behind her in the line. He mimicked her food choices and followed her to their table. When they reached their seats, he went ahead of her and pulled out her chair for her.

"Thank you." She mumbled, as she felt her cheeks flame.

He pulled out the seat next to her and sat down. "Your welcome." He whispered close to her ear.

Her heart skipped a beat as the scent of his breath flew across her face. Her breathing had become a little heavy, so she grabbed her glass and shakily poured some water and brought it to her lips. It helped cool her suddenly dry throat and she took a deep breath trying to calm the rest of her heated body down. This was not the time and definitely not the place for those thoughts and feelings.

Bella all but raced through her breakfast and stood from the table, launching herself out the door and up the stairs. She didn't even bother to see if Edward would follow her, as was his current habit.

She entered her room and fell face forward on her bed, still trying to calm down. How could this happen? In a mental hospital on top of it all. How could she, who had never found anyone the least bit attractive, suddenly be experiencing her heart either racing at the thought of him or skipping beats when he showed her any form of attention? She groaned and flipped over onto her back.

She saw the picture of her meadow. Something was pushing at the edge of her mind, but she didn't know if she was ready to face whatever it was yet. She flung herself up and off the bed, then grabbed her books and left the room.

Bella stopped short when she entered the hallway. Edward was across the doorway from her leaning casually against the wall. He had his books with him and she allowed her eyes to trail appreciatively down his torso encased in a dark blue button up and the dark wash jeans over his legs. She brought her eyes back up to his face and saw he was smirking at her.

She huffed and started walking to the stairs, rolling her eyes. Of course he knew what he was doing to her.

Edward easily caught up with her on the stairs and reached to take her books from her, but Bella just switched them in her arms. He sighed and they continued walking in silence.

As they reached the bottom, Bella felt his eyes searching her face again.

"So are we going to keep pretending there's nothing between us?" He asked her quietly.

Bella's footing caught and she almost fell forward, but Edward steadied her. She wrenched her arm from his grasp, gasping at the shooting tingles his touch sent through her body.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Bella's voice betrayed her however, when it hitched on the last couple of words.

Edward tilted his head to the left and gave her a glare. "You know exactly what I'm talking about."

Bella just shook her head and turned back to the hall to go the computer commons. She heard Edward begin to follow her.

She sat at her computer and he took his seat across from her, facing her. She logged on to her account and began to submit her homework, all the while feeling his gaze burning holes into her. Her fingers were shaking as she moved the mouse to the correct locations on the screen and she kept taking deep breaths; it was just too hot in that room.

The hour went along as smoothly as it could. She participated fully on their discussion boards, ignored Edward's gazes, took the five question math quiz, ignored Edward as he would _accidentally_ brush a foot against hers under the table, submitted her English rough draft, and ignored Edward whispering things to her.

Once her time was up, Bella grabbed her things and rushed from the room, Edward hot on her heels.

"That was interesting." Edward mused, easily keeping up with her strides. Bella was currently cursing those long legs of his.

She sighed. "Edward whatever this is…we can't-" She was cut off when he touched her arm.

She looked up at him and saw he was smiling triumphantly, green eyes twinkling, and Bella suddenly felt that all was right with the world. "So you admit this is something?" It wasn't really a question because he knew he had caught her.

Bella tried to back track. "I didn't say…no what I meant was…" But she was at a loss for words with him looking at her like that. And she knew it was no use. He was right.

But she couldn't at the same time. No matter how much she wanted to, she couldn't indulge this…whatever it was. She was there for one reason and one reason only. To get better. She couldn't allow some…moment of insanity cloud that. No matter how much she wished to.

* * *

**Author's Note: **I hope you all like this chapter! I know I focused more on Bella this time, but since for the past two chapters it's been more about Edward, I thought I'd give Bella some time in the spotlight.

I also decided to update tonight, because tomorrow I am not updating anything. The Office and Grey's Anatomy come back tomorrow night, and I'm super excited!

So, I'm pleasantly surprised with the response this story has gotten. What started out as just a writing exercise has now reached eight chapters and close to 100 reviews (something I never thought I could accomplish; I'm more of a one shot kinda girl). But I want to say thank you to everyone who has read this and reviewed it!

So, please leave me some reviews! Thanks!

(And don't forget to vote in The Sexy Edward Contest!)


	9. Chapter Eight

**Healing**

"_Beauty – the adjustment of all parts proportionately so that one cannot add or subtract or change without impairing the harmony of the whole." – Leon Battista Alberti_

"_Every theory of love, from Plato down, teaches that each individual loves in the other sex what he lacks in himself." – G. Stanley Hall_

"_The decision to kiss for the first time is the most crucial in any love story. It changes the relationship of two people much more strongly than even the final surrender; because this kiss already has within it that surrender." – Emil Ludwig_

_**Chapter Eight**_

Edward closed his eyes and allowed his head to fall backwards slightly as his hands flew across the keys of the piano in front of him. The music filled the room and Edward didn't care if anyone else was within the vicinity of the music conservatory. There was no meter to his notes; no melody or piece of music that flew through his mind. He just let his fingers act on instinct, creating a song of his subconscious.

He allowed all of the current emotions he was feeling to shine through in his playing. He was practically slamming the keys down as the tempo increased and the notes hit a fortissimo. His breathing was ragged and his heartbeat was running in time with the music he was creating. The manila folder was next to him, still untouched. He had yet to find a song that came from his fingers worth writing down and remembering.

This severe, ruthless and fast melody coincided with his current emotions. It was going too fast. Ever since he'd spoken that first memory aloud, he was assaulted almost daily with new ones. Random and suggestive sentences she'd spoken in class directed towards him alone, the way she wore her hair, her smile, the way she tilted her head and scrunched her eyebrows when she thought. Cassandra Hayes's memory was taking things to an all new level when it came to the definition of 'haunting.' He had thought it would get easier when he began talking about her, but no. Everything just got harder.

And then there was this new development. Bella. He didn't know how or why, but he liked her. He had done a complete 180 when it came to his thoughts and feelings concerning Bella since they had met. At first, he had thought there was nothing remarkable about her; she was too plain, they had nothing in common when it came to their interests, and to top it all off, she self-mutilated her arms, which scared the hell out of him…at first.

Now, he felt as if he could watch her all day. He had had to take the time to really look at her. And he had been wrong. She was anything but plain. Cascades of mahogany hair fell in waves down her petite shoulders and back, pale ivory skin was complimented by rosy cheeks that he yearned to make blush the most alluring shade of red, wide chocolate brown doe eyes stared behind lenses that he found made her eyes all the more attractive. They seemed to illuminate and widen those brown depths just for his benefit.

When it came to their interests, he couldn't help but find beauty in those as well. True they had nothing in common, but that's what made him almost desperate to keep her talking to him. He wanted to know what she thought about everything. The conversations they had together made him feel like he wasn't alone. For the first time in a long time Edward felt connected to someone else and he wanted that feeling to stay. He knew he would chase that feeling until he was certain it was gone forever.

Edward's fingers stumbled on a couple of keys as his mind pictured the scars and cuts on her arms. They still scared him, but for very different reasons now. At first, they had sickened him to the point where he couldn't even look at them. But now, he knew they were ties to her past, a past which helped make her who she was. And now they just added to the overall beauty of her soul. She allowed the scars on her soul to show through on her arms. And he wanted to protect her because something was hurting her. Protect her from herself, from her past, from the present…and from the future, he realized.

Edward knew she was scared of what they could be too each other. So was he. He was scared out of his mind over allowing himself to open up in that way with someone else again. After Cassandra, he had never had a solid relationship with anyone else. He would meet a girl, at school, at a party, wherever, and the next thing he knew, they wound up in the back of his Volvo, at her house, at his house, it didn't really matter. It didn't matter who the girl was, just so long as she had fantastic body and a mouth or pussy that didn't quit.

But with Bella, he was beginning to realize it mattered. It mattered a great deal. And he wasn't going to let his fears of emotional intimacy cloud or get in the way of what he wanted. And he wanted Bella.

Coming back to his present, Edward realized that in the switch of his thoughts from Cassandra to Bella, the music he had been playing had softened to only the most delicate and gentle notes on the piano. He was playing now at a soft pianissimo and only the good notes were being pressed by his fingers. He was taking his time to form the melody now in his head, with the image of Bella behind his eyelids.

Glancing at the envelope with his blank sheet music, he grabbed one piece and the pencil he always brought with him and began writing down the notes of his soft melody.

o-0-o

Entering the mess hall, Bella looked around. She felt both amusement and shock at the scene before her. They were having a party. The doctors had all gotten together and agreed that some reward should be given; it was the end of their Spring break after all. Bella clutched her pillow to her chest and went to the far right side of the room and grabbed one of the navy blue sleeping bags that had been placed out.

Scanning the room, she saw the girls were setting their stuff up on the left side, while the boys took the right. She began walking up the aisle, looking for the five familiar faces of her group. She spotted Rosalie and Alice arranging their things at the far back of the room and felt relief flood her. She made her way over to them and saw they had saved space for her. She unrolled her sleeping bag and set up her pillow before turning her eyes to Alice and Rosalie.

"So what are we supposed to do now?" Bella looked around at the various activities set up around the room. The front half of the room was dedicated to projecting video games on the walls with dozens of kids surrounding them.

"Emmett said there was a wider selection of stuff to do down the hall." Rosalie said looking at the videogames in disgust.

They began making their way out of the room and to the large sitting area in the other half of the second floor. They saw Emmett and Jasper playing, more like monopolizing, DDR that someone had set up. Neither of them were hitting the correct arrows even though they were on the Beginner's level. They were having a good time of it though. Jeering and laughing at each other, they starting another round, turning up the electronic music.

Bella took a seat on the long couch and watched as Rosalie and Alice went over and cheered them on. Well, Alice was cheering, Rosalie was directing Emmett where to put his feet, which made Emmett even more confused.

"Penny for your thoughts?" she heard a velvety voice say next to her as she felt the couch dip.

She didn't have to turn to know who it was, but in doing so she saw the pair of green eyes she had come to both know and love. He looked comfortable in a black tee shirt and jeans, socks covering his feet.

"My thoughts aren't worth that much, trust me. I was just admiring Emmett's technique. He's light years ahead of me in the dancing department." Bella said with hand wave in Emmett's direction, and a little laugh.

Edward kept his eyes on her face. "I'm sure you can't be that bad. It's all in the leading after all, so I'm sure the fault would lie in whoever your previous dance partners were."

As was her usual habit, Bella's cheeks reddened and she locked her eyes with his. The air in the room became a little too hot and she could feel the mood change. It seemed like an electrical current was passing between them and it made her feel dizzy. Edward reached a hand over to her arm and allowed it to glide gently over her covered skin. Bella felt tingles erupt all over her arm and her throat went dry. His hand continued its venture downward and he linked his fingers with hers.

He stood abruptly and began tugging her up with him. "Come with me." He said in a soft voice.

He led her to the other side of the sitting area where someone had set up a pair of iPod speakers, with an iPod plugged in and playing. Edward brought her to the middle of an open area between some chairs and bookshelves and turned to face her. He took a deep breath and seemed nervous all of a sudden. He stepped towards her and put his left hand around her waist, drawing her closer. Bella felt her eyes widen as she realized what he intended.

"Edward, there's no one else dancing." She felt her blush heighten as she realized her voice was shaking, and she looked around at the people in the room. Some were still engaged in whatever activity they had going on, but others had noticed them and they weren't even subtle about it; just staring at them.

"It's okay." Edward said huskily, taking her left hand in his right one, Bella's right hand having no other choice but to go to his shoulder. "Just look at me."

Bella lifted her eyes back to his face and saw nothing but serious determination. His cheeks looked a little pink, but his green eyes were bright as they looked at her. Bella felt herself begin trembling at the intensity of his gaze. Even though her legs felt like they had been turned to jelly, she forced them to move shakily with his as he began moving them gently. He only moved them in little circles, but Bella could only concentrate on the heat from his eyes, the gentle grip he had on her waist, the fact that his palm seemed to be made to fit hers.

After a few moments of just spinning in small circles, Edward moved his hand to the small of her back, bringing her closer to his body. She gasped feeling the heat from him against her. Edward lowered his head so his cheek was gently grazing hers, his lips by her ear.

"Why are you scared Bella?" He whispered into her ear, his fingers gently massaging her back. "You don't have to be. I promise I'm just as scared as you."

Bella gulped loudly. "I doubt it." She said in a shaky voice. She closed her eyes and turned her head slightly, and her senses were assaulted with his heavenly musk. She realized she could stay like that forever, in the sweetest torture she'd ever known.

Edward lifted his head then and stared at her. He brought his hand, still holding her palm, to her face and brushed his fingers across her cheek. She shivered feeling the coldness of his fingers on her heated cheek.

"I love that." He whispered to her, smiling gently.

"What?" Her eyes were now traitorously trained on his lips, watching every move they made to form his words.

"The way you blush. I could watch you all day, just waiting for a glimpse of it." His words made her heart pound even more.

His fingers were still brushing against her cheek lightly, sending bursts of tingles through her skin, all the way down her spine and through her legs. Bella realized they weren't dancing anymore, and that Edward's arm had snaked around her entire waist, holding her captive in between his body. But she didn't mind.

Edward leaned his forehead against hers and locked his darkened green eyes on hers. They were both breathing deeply now and Bella betrayed her better instincts that told her to get away from him as fast as she could. The fingers of her right hand rebelliously went to his bronze hair and ran through the soft strands slowly and gently, marveling at the feel.

The emotion in his eyes changed. It looked like he was asking permission. Permission for what?

He began lowering his head towards hers, angling his face and Bella realized what was happening. Her mouth opened in a gasp and the hand in his hair went to his cheek. She meant for it to stop him, but she found herself bringing him closer.

Her eyes drifted shut against her better judgment and an instant later, his soft lips claimed hers in a kiss that robbed her of whatever breath she had left.

His warm lips worked against hers gently creating a friction that made her see sparks behind her closed eyes. Her hand gripped his face, trying to bring them closer together, wanting the moment to go on forever, because in the back of her mind, she knew it couldn't. She couldn't let it.

She experimentally opened her mouth against his and silently rejoiced to find he moved in sync with her. Their tongues tangled in a gentle rhythm and he moaned softly into her mouth, the vibrations increasing her desire for him.

It was unlike anything Bella had felt before. It was a connection, a joining of souls, a dance only she and Edward could ever know the steps to. It was a victory and surrender. It was bittersweet, it was bliss. It took her away from the world she was in, at the same time rooting her in that exact spot where she stood, illuminating a new found purpose for her life. To be with him. For him, for herself.

With one last gentle press of his lips against hers, Edward lifted his head, eyes still closed. The sounds of the room began penetrating the soundless bubble they had launched themselves into, but neither could stop their heavy breathing or the trembles each others touch elicited from the other.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Okay, so I've envisioned how this chapter would go for awhile now and I hope you all like it. And if any of you want to know, the song I like to think they were dancing to would be 'Brightest Hour' by The Submarines.

I'm sorry if this update wasn't all too good. I've had the worst headache all day and I'm frustrated over fanfiction. They haven't been sending me my alerts or anything for the past few days, so if you do leave a review, I'm sorry if I don't get back to you.

Anyway, please leave a review!


	10. Chapter Nine

**Healing**

"_Life is not about significant details, illuminated in a flash, fixed forever. Photographs are." – Susan Sontag_

"_What does not destroy me, makes me strong." – Friedrich Nietzsche_

"_Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction." – Antoine de Saint-Exupery_

_**Chapter Nine**_

Bella was tired. Not just because she had slept on the hard wood floor of the mess hall the night before. She kept replaying that moment from last night. Edward's kiss had been like a breath of fresh air to a pair of lungs that had been breathing in a sandstorm. She had felt exhilarated, like the only reason she was on this earth was to kiss him and only him.

But she was torn. How could she be sure that this wasn't just some passing fancy? Once she was all whole and healed, would she realize that all her feelings were just in her head?

Her head and her heart were telling her two different things and she was struggling to find some common ground.

These were her thoughts as she entered Marcy's office.

Looking at her therapist, she felt that something was off. Marcy was sitting in her usual spot, legs crossed. Her elbow was perched on the arm rest, pen clutched in the fist that was holding her chin up and she looked to be deep in thought.

Bella silently closed the door and made her way over to the couch.

"Hello Bella."

"Hi." Bella sat, trying to fight her sudden feelings of uneasiness.

They were silent after that; the only sound was the occasional clicking of Marcy's pen. Bella studied her face. Marcy's mouth was pursed into a thin line and her brow was furrowed.

"Is there anything you'd like to tell me about Bella?"

There was something hidden in her tone, and Bella got the impression that Marcy already knew what she was asking for. But Bella really had no idea what was going on.

Seeing the confusion on Bella's face, Marcy sighed and began flipping through the folder perched on her knee.

"Last night, another of my patients had asked to borrow my camera. I couldn't be at the party and I wanted to see how things went." Her head was still down, looking for something in her folder. "It's digital, so I was able to print all of the pictures rather quickly. Ah, here it is."

And she placed a picture on the table in front of Bella.

Bella leaned forward to get a good look at it. She didn't really see anything that would be worth looking at. There was just a large group of people smiling at the camera, in the middle of some game spread out before them. As her eyes drifted over the picture, her breath caught.

At the top left corner of the picture, in the background and obviously not intended to be the central focus, she recognized a couple locked in an embrace. It was her and Edward. His arms were wrapped securely around her waist, his head angled towards hers, eyes closed. Bella's gaze switched over to her. Her hand was on his cheek, eyelids almost closed but not all the way. The raw emotion she saw in her brown depths shocked her. It was a mix of naked desire and…complete and full love. She vaguely remembered seeing sparks behind her eyelids and now she knew part of why that was. It had been the flash of a camera.

Bella was trying to catch her breath as she looked at them, frozen together in time. Her heart was aching; she wanted that picture. She wanted to remember them like that. It was surreal, the best moment of her life captured in a photograph. Her hand stretched out, aching to trace her fingers across their bodies, wanting to burn the image into her mind so it would remain forever.

Her hand had almost reached it on the table when it was suddenly gone. Marcy had snatched it up and put it back in the folder. Bella still had her hand towards the table and her eyes had watered slightly.

"Can I have that please?" She whispered in a tortured voice. Bella was disappointed that she had traces of longing in her tone, but she couldn't help it. She could stare at that picture forever, memorizing every small minute detail. She could feel herself obsessing over it and she had only known it existed for all of twenty seconds.

Marcy shook her head. "No. Not yet."

Bella slowly straightened back into the couch. Now she was angry. Why couldn't she have it? Technically it was _hers_. The memory and the emotions tied to it belonged to her, and that photo captured it all, so it was hers.

"Why?" That tortured whisper was all she could handle at this point. Marcy was just being unfair and unreasonable.

"Because you're not ready for it Bella."

Bella stood up from the couch and began pacing. What right did she have? How could she just show her that picture and then take it away, like it didn't mean anything? Bella began fuming as her feet began pounding on the floor. Her right hand reached over to her left sleeve and began tugging and pulling at it; what she did now when she wanted to cut. The rub of the fabric on her skin was just enough to cause a bit of pain that could satisfy that need.

"You're agitated." Marcy said, sitting back in her chair, a slight smile on her face.

Bella was breathing harshly through her nose.

"Of course I am." She bit out.

"Take control of it."

"What do you mean?"

"Speak. Let go of your sleeve and speak to me."

"I want that picture."

"Why? What does it mean for you?" Marcy uncrossed her legs, leaned forward and put her hands together. Her blue eyes were pleading with Bella to give an answer.

Bella couldn't. She wanted to, but the words just wouldn't come to the surface. That picture held the truest essence of her feelings for Edward Cullen; it was the tangible proof of what she could no longer deny. She was in love with him. She didn't even have the time to bask in this new found knowledge because Marcy kept speaking.

"Would you like to tell me about Edward then?"

Bella's eyes flashed to her face. No. This was hers. Completely and fully hers. She was not going to let Marcy drag this out of her and then take it away. She couldn't and wouldn't allow that to happen.

"See Bella? You can't even express yourself without a razor."

Bella tilted her back to look at the ceiling and let out a deep sigh. "Then what do I do?"

"Take control."

o-0-o

Bella walked to the music conservatory with deliberate steps. She knew he would be there, he always went there. She also knew what she had to do; if she wanted to keep this one piece of herself safe and secure, all to herself, she had to put a stop to it.

She stopped just outside the door and listened to the soft music coming from inside. His playing really was beautiful. She silently opened the door and stepped inside.

There he was, bent over the piano, the white sleeves of his button down shirt rolled up the elbows, hair over his forehead. His hands flowed across the keys in front of him and he seemed to be practically glowing in the pale light of the room.

As the melody came to a soft close, Bella made her way towards him, making her shoes scuff on the floor so he would know she was there.

He spun on the bench and a beautiful smile lit up his face, which just broke her heart all the more.

"Hey. I haven't seen you all day." He stood up and began walking over to her, but she stepped to the side and walked towards a window.

She heard Edward sigh behind her.

"Bella, will you please look at me?"

She slowly turned to him and saw he had his arms crossed. He was looking at her disapprovingly.

"Edward, we can't do this." Bella said in a quiet voice.

"Here we go." Edward said with an exasperated shake of his head.

"Edward. Whatever this is, it can't help us," she pleaded with him.

"Can't help?" His eyes narrowed at her. "Bella, just the simple fact of being near you has helped me." He turned and pointed at the piano. "I haven't played a single note in three years and here I am, composing a song _for_ you, _because _of you. I am calmed long enough to make it through these horrendous therapy sessions because I know I'll be able to see you afterwards. Even though I was on a hard floor and Emmett kept kicking me in the back, last night was probably the best sleep I've had in a while. You are the reason behind it, I'm positive. So don't stand there and tell me our relationship isn't helping us."

"Edward we don't have a relationship. We can't. I won't." He was still shaking his head at her, so she went on. "How can I know that once we're out of here, I won't just think you were some passing fling? That all of this just wasn't part of a delusion from being in a mental hospital? People get lonely Edward, and we reached out to each other. Great. But it ends there." She felt her heart break all the more as he froze at her words, but she was taking Marcy's advice. Control. She would control this only to preserve it. If she stopped it now, she would be able to keep it locked inside of her forever, as a beautiful memory.

Edward suddenly grabbed his pieces of sheet music from the piano and tore them to shreds and stormed out of the room, not looking back.

o-0-o

Edward ran all the way down to Marcy's office with Bella's words screaming in his ears.

"_Passing fling…"_

"_Part of a delusion…"_

He'd heard them before. His parents had tried to shove those phrases down his throat when they had discovered his secret. In court, Cassandra's attorney had tried to convince the judge of those very same words. She had willingly told the entire courtroom and any news stations that were covering the case that he was part of delusion. And it had broken him.

Going into Marcy's office, he found it empty. He went and sat on the couch and gripped his head in his hands as his past overtook him…

"_I think my mom is beginning to think something's wrong…" He trailed off in a hurried whisper._

_Cassandra's gray eyes widened and she gripped his hand almost painfully. "Edward! You have to act normal. No one can ever know. They just won't understand."_

_And Edward knew she was right. No one would understand. But it was harder each day to sit in her classroom knowing what they had been doing. It was harder looking at his parents, who he always told the truth to, and not be able to tell them about this. _

_Who cared if she was his teacher? This was the first time he had ever felt like this and he wanted to keep it. This; it made everything seem new. _

_But he understood that they had to keep quiet._

"_Have you been working on my song?" She whispered to him and smiled._

_He smiled back and nodded. He had told her at the beginning that she inspired him. To him, she was like a walking contradiction. The sun in her hair but the storms in her eyes._

_When they were alone, she said how much she wanted to be out in the open with him, having a real relationship with him but then when they had the opportunity, she quickly hid him in the shadows. _

_He didn't want to be too mushy or oversensitive, but he had thought that their relationship was real. It was so very real to him, that he was willing to give up anything for her. He was proud to be with her. He was terrified that she was ashamed of him though._

_And that made him try harder to be someone better for her._

"_Edward…"She said in a breathy whisper that echoed in the room._

"_Edward."_

"Edward?"

His head snapped up and he saw Marcy standing in the doorway, confusion across her features.

"Our session's not for another fifteen minutes. Is everything okay?" She came and sat down in front of him.

"I was in love with her." He whispered, not looking at her.

"I know."

"I was in love with her without even knowing what love meant."

"I know."

"And she…killed me." It was painful to say those words, but he had to. They were all he had left.

"Tell me then, how are you coming back to life?"

"I thought…" He stopped, realizing that he didn't have anything to bring him back to life anymore. Bella had made that perfectly clear.

"Bella?" She asked him quietly and he met her blue gaze. She was smiling sweetly at him, and he could feel her happiness from where he sat. Happiness for him.

"How did you…" How could she have known? He couldn't remember telling her anything about Bella, or even hinting at any feelings he had for Bella.

"How is that going Edward?" She seemed genuinely interested.

Edward closed his eyes as he remembered the look on Bella's face. Determined. Determined to shut him out.

He should never have put himself on the line again. All it brought was a more defined break to his shattered heart. He had honestly believed Bella was the one who could help him piece it back together, shape it and mold it into something stronger, that would be able to hold the both of them, like a puzzle they were meant to solve together.

But she didn't want him. He was passing…

"Oh, Edward…" She sighed and seemed stricken. "What happened?"

He just shook his head not wanting to relive it.

o-0-o

Bella woke up the next morning, heart and head both in turmoil. But she was confident she had done the right thing, for both of them. In a year this would all just be a memory, a beautiful dream that could never be realized. But it was better this way. Why suffer a long heartache later on by getting deeper than she already was?

She walked with a confident step to Marcy's office, itching to tell her how she had handled the situation.

Entering the room, she practically skipped to the couch and sat, crossing her legs in true Marcy Thatcher fashion.

She smiled brightly and Marcy only arched an eyebrow at her.

"I did it." Bella began. "I took control."

Marcy nodded her head. "The by all means," she gave a waving hand gesture. "I'm all ears."

And so Bella told her. Told her how she had put a stop to whatever had been between her and Edward. She left out the parts where her hearts was aching for him and how he had seemed so stricken at their parting conversation.

When she was finished, she looked up at Marcy, expecting to see that half annoying, half self righteous smile on her face, but all she saw was a frown and disappointed look on her face.

After a few moments, Marcy put down her file and paper and pen.

"Oh Bella…" She sighed, sounding dismayed.

What? Isn't this what she wanted? For Bella to take control of her life and her emotions. This is what she meant. She can't just go back on what she said.

"You don't get to sound disappointed. This is what you told me to do." Bella's voice had risen slightly.

"No, I told you to take control. Not to run from him."

Bella stood from her seat. "You don't know anything about this."

"Because you haven't told me Bella. How can you expect me to help you when you don't offer any information, no details, about possibly the most significant change in your life?"

"You're twisting your own words-"

"No, you're twisting the meaning. What did you think I meant? To completely cut yourself off from the only person who has been able to reach you? Don't think I haven't noticed the way you two are. I see the glances, the brief touches, the smiles. What did you think would happen? The world would come to an end just because you've begun to feel something other than pain? Explain it to me Bella, because I am dying to know."

Bella was raging inside. "You would have taken him away eventually." She whispered harshly.

Marcy blinked. "Taken him away? Is that what you thought?"

"You or someone or something else. Everyone leaves or gets taken away." Bella turned away from, wiping the moisture from her eyes.

She heard Marcy sigh behind her and the shuffling of papers. Turning to her, she saw Marcy extract that wonderful photograph from her folder and smacked it down on the table.

"Come here."

There was no room for argument, but Bella wouldn't have. She wanted another glimpse at the couple frozen in time.

Bella knelt on the floor next to the table and tenderly locked her eyes on the picture she and Edward made.

"Let me connect some dots for you Bella."

She pointed at the picture. "You want to know who I see here?" She pointed at Edward, "I see a boy who hated everyone." Then she pointed at Bella, "And a girl who trusted no one." Then she placed two fingers over the two, "They've opened up to each other. Right here," she tapped her two fingers on the picture, "they've made a connection. I think some healing has taken place."

Her eyes were boring into Bella, who was still transfixed on the picture.

"Don't be like your mother, Bella. Don't sacrifice what you want for reasons you think are right. Don't hold your feelings inside. They tend to suffocate and kill what's important. This," she said tapping the picture again, "is important."

* * *

**Author's Note: **Well, I hope I gave more insight into Edward's situation. I promise I'll focus on him more, but there's still a lot to cover with Bella too.

I have to say, I liked this chapter. I liked writing it and I hope you liked reading it.

I love all of the reviews I get, so please leave some!


	11. Chapter Ten

**Author's Note: **So…what's it been? Almost two weeks? Jesus. I'm sorry about that. I just could not find the inspiration for this story like I have in the past. That's kind of why I overdosed in the smut last week…when in doubt, smut it out. Hmmmm…that will not be my new catch phrase.

Anyways, it may not be some of my best work, but I do like this chapter. I tried to make everyone happy while keeping myself happy the most. I hope you like it, and I hope you'll overlook anything bad because you're so happy that I finally updated!

* * *

**Healing**

"_Fear comes from uncertainty. When we are absolutely certain, whether of our worth or worthlessness, we are almost impervious to fear. Thus a feeling of utter unworthiness can be a source of courage." – Eric Hoffer_

"_Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling into at night. I miss you like hell." – Edna St. Vincent Millay_

"_Immature love says "I love you because I need you." Mature love says "I need you because I love you."" – Erich Fromm_

_**Chapter Ten**_

"When did you first realize you were being pursued by her?"

Edward was lying on the couch, arms folded across his chest, eyes closed. He had asked that very same question to himself about a thousand times already, each time with a different answer.

"Well, I guess I knew immediately that she was acting different towards me. I mean, have you had any teachers wink at you on the first day in their class? But, she was never like any other teacher I've had. She always acted like another student. She kept up with what all of the cliques were talking about, she went to the games and talked to us like she was one of us. I liked that."

Marcy was nodding her head as he spoke. "Sometimes, people who have problems relating to their own age groups tend to act like that towards younger people; they feel they have more in common with teenagers or that they don't have to try as hard to fit in because they know, on some level, they are still the authority figure."

Edward nodded. He'd heard all of this before. "It just came out of no where…she always asked what her students were up to, me included. She knew that I played piano for the school orchestra and the next thing I knew, she started showing up to my concerts and recitals…ones that weren't even for the school. I was taking private lessons and she took an interest. But she did that with everyone."

"When did the situation progress?"

Edward sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "It was about a month before first semester finals; I guess she had been dropping pretty obvious hints, but me being the naïve bastard I am didn't notice. My grades had been slipping so I went in for tutoring."

Marcy clicked her pen a couple of times, waiting for Edward to go on. "And then?"

Edward swung his legs around the side of the couch and sat up straight. "And then…I don't know. One minute she's helping me factor a goddamn polynomial the next she's practically sucking the tongue out of my mouth." He ran a hand through his hair, frustrated.

"What did you do?"

Edward looked at her confused. "What do you mean?"

Marcy shrugged her shoulders and shifted in her seat. "Did you push her away? Did you tell her to stop?"

Edward looked down at his hands folded in his lap. "I let it happen."

"You were confused?"

"Yes."

"What did you think would happen if you told her to stop?"

"I didn't want her to."

"Why?" She was leaning forward in her chair, staring intently at him.

Edward stood from the couch and began a slow even pace in front of her. The only sounds in the room were the ticking of the clock, Edward's shuffling feet, and the clicking of Marcy's pen.

After a few minutes Edward turned and faced her. "It was a nice feeling." The softness of his voice seemed to spread throughout the room.

Marcy looked down at her notes and jotted down a few more. "The feeling of…being wanted?"

"The feeling of being noticed. Before Cassandra, I never really felt like I should try being anything more or less than who I was. She made me feel…stuck I guess."

"Stuck?"

Edward nodded his head. "She made me see that I was stuck in this mold. She made me see that I could be better than that, I could be more than that."

Marcy looked up at him and he saw some sadness in her eyes.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"I'm sorry she made you feel like you weren't good enough."

o-0-o

They stared at each other. They had been staring for the longest time now. She had tracked him down after dinner, finding him sitting against a couch on the floor of the sitting area. She had plopped down across from him and had been opening her mouth every couple of minutes, like she wanted to say something, but never found the words. Edward had rolled his eyes at her, glared at her, shook his head at her, but he didn't leave. He couldn't. He wanted to stay near her, even if all she did was hurt him more. He could take it.

Bella looked at him with those wide brown eyes of hers and Edward felt his resolve melt. He wouldn't be able to take it. He wanted her; that's it. He wanted to know every scar on her body, he wanted her to tell him why she hated rap music again, he wanted to watch her as she read Bronte, and he wanted to see more of her crummy pencil drawings. He wanted to make her laugh, he wanted to buy her that strawberry shampoo she likes so much, and he wanted carry her books for her. He wanted to taste her again, to hold her hand, to take her out on a fucking date that didn't include therapy with four other people.

He wanted to know what it felt like to hold her and be content to just do that. Every past "relationship" had been straight sex, no intimacy. He wanted to be intimate with Bella, both physically and emotionally.

And it hurt like hell knowing he could never have that with her.

Edward looked up at her and saw she was fighting with herself; trying to say something. He rolled his eyes again. As much as he wanted her, she needed to learn how to just say what she wanted.

After a few more moments of complete silence, Edward shook his head again and began getting up from the floor.

"Wait!" Her soft voice held a note of urgency in it and the soft warm hand on his arm halted Edward in his tracks. He was silently cursing the tingles her touch sent up his arm as he sat back down on the floor.

He watched her as she drew in a deep breath and then letting it out in one big hurried gust she said, "I fucked up."

Edward's brow scrunched up in confusion. She couldn't be talking about them…about him. She had made her position and feelings about him perfectly clear. He tried not to feel too hopeful, but there it was, fluttering in his stomach, attaching itself to his heart, spreading through his entire body.

"I'm trying out your brutally honest tactic. How am I doing?" She half smiled at him and he felt his heart leap.

"You suck at it." Hey, if she wanted honesty…

She nodded her head and looked down at her lap. She started drawing lazy circles on the hardwood floor beneath them and looked back up at him.

"I fucked up bad?" Her eyebrows rose at that last part.

Edward pursed his lips and narrowed his left eye, looking to be deep in thought. "Go on."

"I fucked up _really _bad?"

Edward huffed and crossed his arms. "When you're trying to be honest with someone, don't phrase it like a question. Say what you mean…use conviction."

She was quiet for a long time and Edward feared she wouldn't be able to talk to him anymore.

"I'm sorry." It was softly spoken, but it held all the conviction in the world.

His lips quirked up into half a smile. "For what?"

Bella looked like a child being scolded and it only endeared her more to him. "For everything I said to you."

And there that damn hope was again, threatening to suffocate him in waves of happiness.

"Why did you say them? You seemed pretty damn confident at the time."

Bella took a deep breath and fiddled with the sleeve of her shirt. Edward's eyes widened and he quickly reached over and stilled her hand. They sat like that for a few moments in complete silence; their breathing the only sound breaking into the silence.

"That's why." She whispered to him and he looked up into her eyes. He saw her cheeks were flushed and she was biting her bottom lip, her brown eyes wide behind her glasses. He was aching for her.

"You scare the hell out of me." They didn't even find it weird they had spoken the phrase at the same time.

o-0-o

Edward and Bella had not moved from their little spot all day. They were lying side by side just staring at the white ceiling.

"We have no idea what the hell we're doing, do we?" She whispered.

"Nope."

Bella sighed and then flipped over onto her side, facing him. She propped her head up on her arm and watched as he mimicked her actions. They didn't speak, just looked.

"If we do this…if we're…together, then I have some…demands." Bella said in a hushed voice.

"Demands?" Edward knew he would try anything for her, but that word didn't seem right.

"Hmmmm," Bella's eyes shifted upwards for a second. "Requests? Is that better?"

He smiled and nodded his head, green eyes bright.

"It doesn't have to be every day, but…just once in awhile, I'd really like to just sit with you…or lay like this with you, and just be quiet."

Edward nodded his head. "Okay."

"Um," Bella looked down at the floor then, blushing and looking embarrassed. Edward's hand reached for her face and his finger tilted her chin back up so their eyes met.

"Just say what you want Bella."

"I'm not very…good at saying how I feel. So…I guess…I'm requesting patience."

"I can do that." And he would. He would have all the patience in the world for her.

She smiled at him and he felt his heart warm. He loved making her happy.

"Well," He said sitting up. "I have some _requests _of my own." He purposely put a proper edge to his voice.

Bella laughed and sat up across from him, crossing her legs. "Okay," She gestured for him to go on. "You may proceed." She was mimicking his voice.

Edward thought for a second and then grinned at her. "Can I hold your hand?"

Bella smiled softly at him and then reached for his hand. Their fingers met in the middle and laced together. He felt warm all over.

"Good. Can I carry your books?" He arched an eyebrow at her. He had never done that for anyone else and wanted to give it a try.

Bella blushed and lowered her eyes. "Sure." She mumbled.

He smiled and thought some more. "Can I kiss you when I want to?"

If her face was red before, it was crimson scarlet now. But she looked deliriously happy, so Edward wasn't worried. All she could manage was a nod of her head.

He knew he must look like an idiot, but he really couldn't bring himself to care. He thought again and decided that must be all of his…requests.

Edward looked at Bella again and then for the first time since their conversation had started, he looked around at the rest of the room. It was filled with people. He felt a shock of nervousness run through his system. He realized something at the same time: he had never had a relationship that was out…in the open. Cassandra had shoved him back in the shadows and from then on, he hid with his…choice of partner. Whether it was in his car…or that dark alley with the fifteen year old he couldn't even remember the name of.

And then he knew what else he wanted out of this…twisted new relationship of his.

"Bella?"

She looked up at him questioningly.

"I have one final thing to add to our list."

At her nod, he continued. "I don't want to hide this. I want people to know."

Bella fell silent. She looked down at their clasped hands for a minute and smiled.

"Alright."

And then the waves overtook him, but instead of drowning, he was breathing in the happiness.

* * *

**Author's Note: **I cranked this out in one afternoon, so be kind. I sat my lazy ass down at the computer and just typed, not really paying attention to what was coming out. Then I read it over, decided I liked it and now here it is!

You know the drill, leave a review and tell me what you think. Don't hesitate if you think its crap!


	12. Chapter Eleven

**Author's Note: **What?! Two updates in two days? Surely this can't be right! But it is, dear readers, it is! This is actually a little reward I gave to my 200th reviewer, crazyvampgirl. She wanted an update as soon as I could do one, so here you have it! I put a lot into this one, so I hope you all like it!

* * *

**Healing**

"_Every parent is at some time the father of the unreturned prodigal, with nothing to do but keep his house open to hope." – John Ciardi_

"_When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, you think it's only a minute. But when you sit on a hot stove for a minute, you think it's two hours. That's relativity." – Albert Einstein._

"_When one loves somebody, everything is clear – where to go, what to do – it all takes care of itself and one doesn't have to ask anybody about anything else." – Maxim Gorky_

_**Chapter Eleven**_

Carlisle Cullen was many things: a husband, a father and a renowned doctor. One thing he was sure of though was that he was not a fool. So when he and Esme had gotten a call from Dr. Marcy Thatcher, requesting a meeting with them within the week, he just knew his son had pulled yet another of his stunts.

They had set the date and time and for the rest of the week Carlisle had been trying very hard to rein in his anger and irritation. The boy would never learn and Carlisle was grudgingly coming to accept that fact. He really couldn't expect Marcy to be able to help his son; he should have realized this month's ago, it would have saved them all a lot of time and money. Looking over at his wife in the passenger seat, he realized it would have saved them a lot of heart ache as well.

Esme had not done well with Edward's situation. She blamed her self; she justified Edward's pain as being her fault. She claimed as his mother, she should have known what had been going on with their son and his teacher. The thought upset him, but he would be a hypocrite if he said he never felt he had failed his son in the same way. He was a doctor and while the psychological field had not been his choice of specialty, a rotation on the psych unit had been required. He, above anyone else, should have been able to recognize the signs of sexual abuse. Perhaps he just didn't want to see it, didn't want to believe that someone could abuse their power and influence over his son like Cassandra Hayes had done. He just didn't expect that Edward would be so delusional to believe he was in love with the woman.

Parking in the visitor's lot, he and Esme made their way inside the building and were led to Dr. Thatcher's office.

o-0-o

Carlisle shifted in his seat, trying to process what he had heard. He felt Esme next to him frozen in her seat with the shock as well.

"Can you repeat that please?"

Marcy had the nerve to smile at him from behind her desk and she gave a little laugh; like anything about this was funny.

"Edward is in a relationship with a very lovely girl here."

Carlisle put a hand to his temple and began rubbing, trying to ease the pressure starting to build.

"What do you mean a _relationship_?" He spat the word like it was something to be hated.

Unaware of the couple's shock over this piece of news, Marcy kept talking as if nothing was wrong. "Yes. He and Bella Swan actually arrived here within a few days of each other. There was some animosity at first, but they formed a strong friendship and that has escalated into a very sweet relationship."

Carlisle scoffed and stood from his seat, beginning to pace. "They're probably in heat."

Esme gasped and turned in her seat to glare at him. "Carlisle!"

"Dr. Cullen, please excuse my bluntness, but that son of yours has been in heat for quite some time. Bella is actually helping to calm him down." The smile was no longer on her face and her blue eyes looked like steel. She was regarding Carlisle with all the authority she had as Edward's therapist.

Carlisle stopped his pacing and took in a large amount of air. He kept his hands on his hips and he was facing away from Esme and Marcy as he thought about this new aspect of his son's life. He knew to be wary of Edward; his son had pulled a lot of shit in the past two years…why should this be any different?

"What…um…what is she like?" Esme's soft and hopeful voice filled the silence and Carlisle couldn't help but roll his eyes. Of course Esme would want to know about the girl. Well, Carlisle already knew what she was like…tall, slender, blonde and blue eyed. Full lips too…Edward liked them with full pouty lips.

"Bella is a very smart and intuitive girl. She's seventeen like Edward and she's remarkably observant…except when it comes to herself." Marcy seemed sad about that, but Carlisle pushed that thought aside.

"Is this what the whole meeting is about?"

Marcy stood and walked from behind her desk. "Well, as you know, Edward has been here for almost three months now. His progress has taken quite a turn for the better." She paused then and looked both of the Cullen's in the eye. "He's talking about Cassandra Hayes. Tentatively at first, but now, not a day goes by where he doesn't gain some insight into that part of his life. I am actually very proud of him. You should be too."

Esme had tears swimming in her eyes. It was unbelievable, Carlisle had to admit.

Marcy paused for a second, before looking Carlisle in the eye. "The minimum term the judge set forth in Edward's case is almost up. I have to send my report in by the end of next week. I am requesting that the maximum time of five months be enforced. I don't feel he's ready to leave yet."

Carlisle thought for a minute and he couldn't help but agree. If he was just beginning to make real progress, then being thrust back into his normal life would only disrupt and halt that progress. He turned to Esme and she met his eyes. An agreement passed between them and he reached for her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze.

He turned back to Marcy and nodded his head in agreement with her. He would add his input with the judge later if need be.

Marcy walked to the door of her office and opening it, she gestured for them to go out into the hallway ahead of her.

"Let's go see your son."

o-0-o

They had been given the regular tour, seeing where Edward slept and took his school courses online. Marcy was leading them to the hall where the patients were eating lunch. She had said Edward would be there with his group and this Bella Swan they had heard so much about. Going through the doors, Carlisle was confronted with a long white room full of teenagers sitting at numerous tables.

Looking around for the familiar head of bronze hair, Carlisle spotted Edward standing in the line with a girl.

Carlisle sighed. This must be Bella. And she was the perfect representation of what he had thought she would be like. The girl standing by Edward's side was tall with long wavy blonde hair and even Carlisle could admit she had a perfect figure. The two were talking as Edward filled a tray with food, two bowls full of the soup he was ladling out. He also grabbed two packets of crackers and then spooned out…vanilla yogurt? Edward doesn't like yogurt. And what was puzzling Carlisle even more was the fact that Edward seemed to be getting food for two while Bella filled up her own tray.

Edward then turned away from the line and the blonde and Carlisle got a good look at his face. He seemed alight with happiness, a stark contrast from the last time Carlisle had seen him.

Edward approached a table that had four other occupants, two girls and two boys. Edward rounded the table and sat by a petite brunette wearing glasses who had her legs crossed underneath her. Her long brown hair was pulled up into a messy bun, pieces of hair falling loose and framing her face. She had a large book in front of her but when Edward sat beside her, she pushed it away. Edward placed a bowl of soup in front of her and the yogurt as well. The girl smiled at him and said something that made Edward laugh and then he brushed some of the hair behind her ear, letting his hand linger on her cheek before they turned to their food and began eating.

And then it dawned on him. This girl, who was so different from anyone else Edward had gone for, was Bella.

He looked at his wife and she seemed just as mesmerized by the two of them as he was. Something had changed that was for sure. Marcy began leading them over to the table Edward was sitting at and as they approached the table, Carlisle observed Bella more closely.

What he saw though made his stomach turn. The sleeves of her blue top were rolled up to her elbows and he saw numerous scars on her arms. Carlisle's eyes closed briefly and his gut wrenched. Of course Edward had to start a relationship with a girl like this. Just another stunt like he had thought.

They hadn't yet reached the table and Bella looked up and met Carlisle's eyes. They held for a second and then she blushed furiously and looked back down. Edward turned to her, about to say something, and then saw her tensed form next to him. He lifted a hand to her shoulder and said something he couldn't hear.

Carlisle paused, seeing the way his son became so concerned over this girl because she seemed uncomfortable. He leaned into her looking her in the eye when she spoke to him. He touched her with respect and that, above everything else Carlisle had come to learn about Edward that day, sent the most shock through him.

Bella must have answered because Edward dropped a quick kiss on her forehead and then immediately turned towards them, giving the full force of his glare. Carlisle blinked. Edward was protecting her. Would wonders never cease?

Edward's eyes widened as he recognized who he was looking at and he stood from his seat, Bella watching him with wide confused eyes.

Edward walked towards them and paused in front of them for a heart beat before enveloping his mother in a hug. Carlisle caught Marcy's eye over the tops of their heads and she was smiling.

"It's a step." She mouthed to him and he couldn't help but nod and smile slightly.

o-0-o

There had been a brief introduction between Bella and Edward's parents and then she had been pulled away by Marcy, giving the Cullen's time to talk. Bella and Marcy were making their way down to her office and Bella thought back to the beautiful couple she had seen in the mess hall.

She now knew where Edward's good looks came from. He seemed to have gotten the best from both parents. His dark colored hair from his mother, the shape of his face and height from his father. She saw Edward's smile on his mother's face…and Edward's glare in his father's eyes. It had been quite a shock to look up from her bowl of soup and see a pair of eyes similar in shape only to Edward's, only to find them sending her an icy glower. She felt uneasy thinking about what thoughts were running through Dr. Cullen's head.

Being pulled into Marcy's office, she expected to have a spontaneous therapy session, describing her feelings over meeting her boyfriends' parents, but she stopped short. She was completely speechless upon seeing who was on the other side of the office door.

"Dad? What are you doing here?"

Charlie stood from his seat on the couch and walked towards her. She stepped forward and they hugged each other, awkwardly. Stepping back, she looked at him and saw his eyes go down to her exposed arms. Blushing furiously, she reached up to lower the sleeves, but her eyes met Marcy's. That's right. Control it.

Taking a deep breath, Bella walked over to the couch and sat, Charlie following her.

"Bella, I've asked your father to come here today so we can talk about the progress you've made. Charlie…oh, may I call you Charlie?" At his nod, she continued. "I think that Bella has come leaps and bounds since she came here. As I'm sure you've noticed," She gestured to Bella's arms, "she's been working on becoming comfortable with showing her arms. I've only had her have her sleeves rolled up when she makes a new cut."

Charlie's eyes darted back to her arms, looking for a band aid, but he saw none.

Marcy smiled. "Bella has actually taken it upon herself to do this at least once a week voluntarily. She hasn't cut for almost two weeks…and I think you should know why. Bella?"

Bella looked at her and she saw Marcy nod her head and give her an encouraging smile. Of course the woman would schedule both sets of parents to come on the exact same day. But, Bella realized, it would happen eventually. And it was kind of nice that the Cullen's and her dad could meet each other where she and Edward had met. But she was nervous. She desperately wanted Charlie to be okay with this. And more than anything she wanted Edward's parents to accept her. They didn't have to like her yet, but she wanted them to accept her.

She took a deep breath and then turned to her dad. "Dad, I've started…seeing someone. Well, I guess you wouldn't call it seeing, since we see each other everyday." And now she was rambling. "What I mean is that…I'm in a relationship?" She didn't know why she stated it as a question, but it was still weird to think of what she and Edward had as a relationship.

Charlie seemed to fall into a stupor. He just sat looking at Bella and then looking at her arms which made Bella feel self conscious.

The he whipped his head to look at Marcy. "And you're allowing this?" His voice was hard and angry and full of shock. "I sent Bella here for one reason: to get better. Not to form some tie with some sick demented kid."

Bella was hurt by his words, but more than that, what surpassed that hurt, was the anger at how he could just say that about Edward, without even knowing who he is. She closed her eyes and her hand went to grab for her sleeve, wanting to take her anger out on her arm. But when her hand came in contact with her skin, she realized something.

She was taking it out on herself. Something that was not her fault.

_Take control._

Marcy's voice seemed to flood her mind and Bella looked up at her therapist. Marcy appeared to be listening to Charlie ranting and raving about how incapable she was giving therapy to his daughter, but her blue eyes were fixed on Bella, waiting for her reaction. And without another thought in her head, Bella turned to Charlie.

"Dad, shut up." She could have probably worded it better, but it got the effect she wanted. Charlie's mouth hung open, his words dying on his tongue and he turned to her.

"Bella you don't speak to me like that. I'm still your father."

"Yes, but you're talking to _my _therapist, on _my _couch, where _I _live."

She was met with silence and while that bothered her, she felt elated somehow. She had spoken up. Yes, her first instinct had been to inflict harm in a controlled way upon herself, but seeing that wasn't possible, she was able to find the right words at the right time.

Bella looked up into Marcy's face and saw a smug smile as she looked at Charlie.

"Well, Bella…" Marcy cleared her throat, putting up a professional pretense, but Bella knew she was trying to cover her pride. "We will be talking about your…lack of respect in your next session. Why don't you give your father the tour?" Bella knew Marcy was just saying what Charlie wanted to hear and as they stood, she saw Marcy send her a wink of approval.

o-0-o

Bella had shown Charlie the downstairs common rooms and they made their way up the stairs to the second floor. Turning towards the sitting room, she saw Edward with his parents. They were sitting on the plush chairs and were leaned in to each other talking. She studied Edward's face and felt a pang at the sadness and anger she saw. She wanted to go over and see if she could be of any comfort, but then switching her eyes to his parents, she knew now wasn't the time.

She gave a sad sigh and began turning away.

"Bella!"

She froze where she stood. It was a woman's voice she had only heard once before. Today, earlier, that voice had uttered a quick and stunned hello, before Bella had left. It was Edward's mother's voice.

Bella turned slowly and saw Edward's mother beckoning her over to where she sat with her son and husband. Edward was looking at her and he was smiling slightly, but he still had some anger left on his face, as well as some confusion as his eyes slanted to her left where Charlie stood next to her. Edward's father did not look happy at all.

She felt Charlie stiffen next to her. "Who are they?"

Bella sighed. _'Just do it quick. Like taking a band aid off.'_

"That's Edward Cullen…my…boyfriend. And those are his parents…" She trailed off watching in shock as Charlie started walking swiftly towards them. Shaking herself, Bella followed after him, making her short legs move faster.

Edward and his parents stood as Charlie approached them, Dr. Cullen standing defensively in front of his wife. Bella felt her stomach sink. _'This is not good.'_

Charlie was looking at Edward with his arms crossed across his chest. Bella almost rolled her eyes, something she picked up from Edward, but held back. This wasn't the time. Edward seemed perfectly calm, meeting Charlie's eyes head on. Bella felt a surge of pride for him; she was glad he wouldn't back down to her father.

"Mr. Swan, Bella's told me a lot about you." Edward stretched out his hand for Charlie to shake, but when Charlie didn't make any move to do the same, Edward retracted his hand, not looking fazed at all.

"Oh well this is wonderful." Everyone turned and looked at Mrs. Cullen, who seemed pleased for some reason. Bella felt some hope because at least one of Edward's parents seemed to accept her.

"I don't know what you two _think_ you're doing, but whatever it is, it ends now. Bella needs to concentrate on her therapy…that's it." Charlie had a cold edge to his voice and he was looking Edward straight in the eye.

"Thank God. I'm glad you said that. I couldn't agree with you more."

"Carlisle, how can you say that?"

Carlisle turned to Esme with an incredulous look. "Esme! She's in a mental hospital. This isn't going to last. This isn't even going to help them in the long run. Edward has an entire life ahead of him-"

"Hold on!" Charlie turned his accusing eyes on Carlisle. "Your son is in the same mental hospital. And, what, you think my daughter isn't good enough for your punk ass kid?"

Carlisle looked at Charlie. "Yes, that's exactly what I think."

Charlie took a step towards Carlisle.

"What makes you guys think you have any say?"

Bella's eyes snapped to Edward's face. He was leaning casually against the arm of the chair he had been sitting, arms folded loosely across his chest. He didn't seem to be at all concerned at what was happening around him.

Charlie and Carlisle turned towards him and began another round of pointing out all of the ways she and Edward would never be able to work and Bella began panicking.

What if they were right? What if she hadn't thought this all the way through? What if, when this did end, she would be left more broken than when they had started?

She felt the dread at their current situation creep up on her back and go through her body, twisting around in her stomach. Her heart rate picked up slightly and she realized she was starting to hyperventilate.

But then, her mind told her to look up.

Her brown eyes met Edward's green ones and everything got quiet. The voices of their parents were pushed to the background and all she could focus on was Edward. He was looking at her in a most intense, calm, and peaceful manner that made her breathless and weak in the knees.

And in that moment, looking into his eyes, she knew all of the what ifs in the world didn't matter.

In this moment they were just Edward and Bella. And that made her pulse race, not from fear, but from overwhelming joy and pleasure.

Edward and Bella. She liked the sound of their names together; like it was one phrase.

She was smiling at the direction of her thoughts and she saw Edward begin smiling as well, like he had just made the same realization.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Long and intense chapter! Yay! Honestly, this chapter has been brewing in my mind for awhile now, so I made it super long to make everything just the way I wanted it! I'm sure it's crawling with grammar and punctuation errors that weren't picked up by spell check, but I can't really bring myself to care at the moment.

I hope you like it! Please leave a review!


	13. Chapter Twelve

**Healing**

"_My creed is that:_

_Happiness is the only good._

_The place to be happy is here._

_The time to be happy is now._

_The way to be happy is to make others so." – Robert G. Ingersoll_

"_Chance makes our parents, but choice makes our friends." – Jacques Delille_

"_The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved…the ones who never yawn and say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars." – Jack Kerouac _

_**Chapter Twelve**_

Their shoes were resting side by side against the wall. Edward set them up that way so he could poke fun at how small her feet were compared to his. But they both liked the fact that even their shoes seemed to fit together; his grey beat up converse with her gold worn flats.

Edward was sitting at the piano, playing the melody he had composed with Bella in mind; just because he had torn it up didn't mean it wasn't burned into his memory. He would occasionally glance over at Bella and smile. She was lying on her back, the pillow she had brought from her room underneath cushioning her against the hardness of the floor. Her legs were propped up against the wall and she held a book up in front of her face reading while listening to the music he played. Sunlight coming in through the many windows in the room reflected off her hair, turning it a brilliant deep red color reminiscent of the blush that would adorn her cheeks from time to time.

His eyes trailed over the curves of her body and he couldn't help the rush of emotions that flowed through his veins. Everything about Bella called to him.

He turned back to the keys of the piano. "Five random facts. Go."

He heard Bella put the book down on the floor and he envisioned the crease on her forehead appear as she began thinking.

"I have contacts but I don't like to wear them."

"Why not?" He turned to look at her, fingers still flowing over the keys.

"Once when I was trying to put one in, I tripped over the cord for my hair dryer and almost poked my eye out."

Edward fought against a laugh, but couldn't help the smile on his face. "Only you would trip over something while standing still."

Bella ignored that, but Edward could see the small smile on her face.

"In the sixth grade I was a hall monitor."

Edward's face scrunched up. "Why? Isn't that all voluntary?"

He heard Bella sigh. "I didn't…really have a lot of friends…"

Edward felt a pang at the sadness in her voice. More than anything he wanted to reach back in time to those sixth grade idiots and beat them all senseless for not wanting to know her. But mostly, he wanted to protect Bella from that loneliness.

"I would have been your friend." He said it softly to match the music he was playing.

"I know." He turned his head and saw Bella was facing him. She was smiling at him, her brown eyes twinkling. He returned it and kept his head angled towards her.

She bit her bottom lip and her forehead creased again. "When I was seven, I jumped off the balcony outside my parents' room into the pool. I had just come home from a swimming lesson and I wanted to try the diving I saw the older kids doing. I ended up breaking my leg though. That put a damper on the summer."

Edward laughed out loud then. "Extreme sports, at an early age too. I like you."

Bella laughed with him and the sound of her laughter, at least to Edward's ears, matched his tune perfectly. It added a missing element he hadn't even known was missing. Now if only he could capture her laughter…

The sound died down after a few minutes and she got a serious and nervous look on her face. She bit her lip again and a blush formed on her cheeks. She looked back up at Edward and saw he had turned back to his music. She took a deep breath and just let the words out.

"I've never had sex before." She was pleased to see his hands stumble on a few of the keys but then he composed himself and went right on playing. Edward did say it could be any random fact, and this was something she wanted him to know since he was the more _experienced _of the two, although he wouldn't tell her exactly _how _experienced he was.

Edward didn't turn back to her or say anything for that matter. He was too busy smiling like the biggest idiot in America. He was pleased; too pleased by that fact. This was something he had desperately wanted to know about. He knew now that all of these jealous thoughts and feelings he had been having over faceless inexperienced boys being with Bella held no merit. It was actually a good thing; he wouldn't have to hunt any of them down and kill them.

"Last one?"

And there was silence throughout the room as Edward kept playing the soft melody over.

"I like this song." He turned to her once again and she was looking at him with a peace he had never witnessed on her face before. She was smiling and he could see her chest moving up and down in a gentle manner. Her eyes were burning bright with the intensity of her sincerity.

"Then it's yours." And with that he grabbed a new page of blank sheet music and scrawled _'Bella' _across the top and began writing in the notes of her song.

"Now you."

"Now me what?" He was squinting his green eyes as he marked dark circles on the music staff.

"Five facts. Come on, it's only fair." He could hear a whine starting and he knew he wouldn't be able to refuse her anything.

"Alright, let me think." He put the sheet down and stuck his pencil behind his ear, fingers going back to the keys. He started playing her melody again and thought.

"When I was five, my dad gave me a toy stethoscope and I took it in for show and tell in my kindergarten class. That was when I knew I wanted to become a doctor."

He heard Bella hum and he turned and saw a wide smile on her face. "Dr. Edward Cullen…I like the sound of that."

Edward rolled his eyes. "So does my dad."

"And that bothers you?" She seemed surprised by that.

Edward slowed his fingers so each note was accentuated. "No, I mean, I know he's proud that I want to follow in his footsteps, but that's just it…I want to make my own way, do this the way I want to, not his. He just doesn't understand that."

"Then maybe you should tell him."

Edward smiled and just nodded his head slightly.

"Keep going. You have four more."

"I started learning to play the piano when I was eight. I originally wanted to learn the drums or the guitar, but my mother sat me down and explained that…someone from my family doesn't play those instruments. But I'm glad she pushed the piano on me. Now, I wouldn't have had it any other way."

"I'm glad too."

"Once, I tried making cookies, but I couldn't find a spoon to separate them on the pan. So, I just put the whole mixing bowl in the oven to make one big cookie cupcake thing. I almost burnt the house down."

He smiled as he heard Bella's laughter again and discreetly tried to match some of the notes to the sound.

"I want to get as far away from Arizona as I can."

"Me too."

Edward let his hands bring the song to a soft close and then he placed the pencil on top of his folder before standing and walking over to Bella.

"Shove on over Swan." But she was already scooting over to make room for his head on her pillow. Edward laid his body next to hers and propped his legs next to hers on the wall. He playfully rubbed his foot against hers and laughed hearing her mutter something about 'playing footsie.' He reached his arm over and took her hand in his.

"You have one more." Her voice was soft in his ear and it sent shivers down his spine.

Edward turned to look at her and he met the warm chocolate depths of her eyes.

"For me, this is the best part of my day."

And then she leaned her head closer to his and just before their lips touched, she whispered, "Same for me." And then they were kissing, and all thoughts of contacts and doctors and cookies and therapy and parents and how good their shoes looked together fled their minds.

o-0-o

"So, let me guess? Mommy and Daddy freaked over Bella right?"

Edward looked at Emmett over the top of his math text and gave a half hearted glare.

"You're half right. Just Dad. Mom couldn't have been happier." He shook his head at the memory of his parent's impromptu visit…

_Edward led his parents away from the mess hall and over to the sitting area. He sat in a chair and his parents followed suit. He had no idea where to even begin. Looking at both his mother and father, he felt a pang of guilt. They looked…tired. Not just physically but emotionally. And he knew it was his fault. _

_It took him by surprise…feeling this way over his parents. It just convinced him further that this place was helping him. That Marcy was helping him. That Bella was helping him._

_He knew he had a lot of apologizing to do, but would save that for later when he actually knew what to say to them._

"_Edward…" His mother began. "Oh, honey, I've never seen you…this way before." She looked like she might start crying and he reached over to take her hand in his. Her eyes widened in response to his actions, and he knew why. He always used to scoff or yell or roll his eyes at her if she ever showed concern for him or used an endearment. Now, though, it just made him all the more grateful his parents hadn't given up on him._

"_Edward, we need to talk about a couple of things." His dad wrapped an arm around his mom and a look passed between them – they were bracing themselves for something._

"_Edward, your therapist would like for you to stay here for the remaining two months until your birthday. She…wants us to be in agreement with her…and we are." Carlisle's voice held authority and determination. Esme's eyes were looking at him, half scared half hopeful._

_And Edward knew they had been bracing themselves for his reaction to this piece of news. He sighed; it was going to take time for him to gain back their trust._

_He nodded his head. "If you and Marcy think that's for the best then I'll be fine until then._

_His mother looked relieved but Carlisle still looked wary. "Is this because of that girl?"_

_That irritated Edward. "Her name is Bella."_

_His father was about to continue, but Esme interjected. "I think that's a beautiful name for her. It suits her quite well."_

"_About that…" Carlisle glanced at Esme and she turned her face away from him. "Edward, we feel - "_

"_You feel." Esme interrupted._

"_We feel that you should only be concentrating on getting better. I'm sure that…Bella is a very nice girl, but it isn't the right thing for you now."_

_Edward's hands were clenched into fists at that point. He closed his eyes briefly and his memory took him to the first time Bella had touched his hand and the feeling that came with it. He immediately felt the calm course through him and he unclenched a bit._

_He took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. "Dad, I think I know what's right for me. Bella knows what's right for her. We, me and Bella, feel like this is working. Marcy even agrees and I think she knows a lot more about this then you do." His voice sounded harsh, but he needed to make them understand._

_His mother was shaking her head at her husband while her eyes wandered around the room and then she sat up straighter in her seat, craning her neck. Her eyes got bright and excited. _

"_Bella!"_

_And Edward turned sharply and saw Bella turn slowly to face them with a man at her side. He felt his stomach sink as he saw the resemblance. The rosy cheeks and the brown eyes were what gave it away. He was looking at Bella's father. _

_He saw Bella begin speaking to him and then he was walking determinedly towards them. As he stood, all Edward could think was 'Great day…'_

Emmett was laughing at Edward's expression and shook his head. "Don't worry, my parents freaked too when I told them I'm in love with Rosalie. But they got over it eventually. It must've been about the rage blackouts, but they know I like it rough sometimes…"

But Edward had tuned him out. He was focusing on something Emmett had said. Love. Was he in love with Bella? This soon?

He knew he liked talking with her, making fun of her, taking care of her. But could he really love someone again after the damage that one emotion had brought him the last time?

Edward sighed and pushed his homework aside. There was no way he would be able to concentrate on it now.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Short but sweet. Sometimes the sweetest things come in small packages. I know it was pure fluff but I thought that since the bulk of this story has been angst, why not add some fluffiness in for the sentimentalist in all of us?

Also, I'm having a tough time making a decision…should I include a lemon in this story? When I first started writing, I had a clear picture of how it was going to go. But, it has taken different twists and turns and now I'm not so sure about a lemon for this story. It will be Edward/Bella, as I promised previously. But this story has gotten more popular than I ever expected it to, so I want your input. I will be putting up a poll in my profile tonight and I'll keep it open for a couple of weeks. Please vote so I know which way you guys want me to take it. If you leave me a review saying what way you want it to go, I'll of course take those into account, but I'll be basing my decision off of the poll.

I hope you liked the update and please leave a review! Especially you, americnxidiot, don't stop those wonderful reviews!


	14. Chapter Thirteen

**Healing**

"_Love is not love  
Which alters when it alteration finds,  
Or bends with the remover to remove:  
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark  
That looks on tempests and is never shaken…" – William Shakespeare, Sonnet 116_

"_It is commonly seen by experience that excellent memories do often accompany weak judgments." – Montaigne _

"_The cruelest lies are often told in silence." – Robert Louis Stevenson_

_**Chapter Thirteen**_

_Gulping loudly and with his eyes downcast, Edward slowly walked inside the large white structure that was his house. He heard music coming from the direction of the kitchen and he could smell what his mother was preparing for dinner. He tried to be quiet in making his way up the staircase, but in his concentration to not be caught, he forgot about the one creaking step in the middle._

_His eyes closed in frustration when the loud creak sounded throughout the house. _

"_Edward? Is that you?"_

_He turned back around and made his way down the stairs and turned to walk to the kitchen. He set his backpack just outside the door and entered, going to sit on a stool around the large island in the middle of the room._

_His mother was there, fixing dinner. Her hair was pulled back and she gave him a large smile which he couldn't even try to reciprocate. How could he, with what he had just done? With what they had just done?_

"_How was your day? Did you have to stay late at school?" Esme glanced at the clock on the microwave and then went back to stirring something in the red bowl before her._

_Edward tried to form his words carefully. The lie he had concocted over the past few months came easily to his tongue and she believed him every time. His parents really were clueless as to what he had been doing with his teacher._

_Esme looked at him. Edward's eyes turned back to the glazed granite of the island and sat still. He hoped there was no visible difference in how he looked from the time he left that morning to how he looked now. Hopefully his mother wouldn't be able to tell that he was no longer her little boy. At least not physically._

"_Honey, is there something wrong?"_

_But Edward was frozen. 'Honey.' Someone else had taken to calling him that. But the context in which it was spoken was entirely different. He didn't want to hear that word from anyone else, especially from his own mother. Not when the woman who he had just given his virginity liked calling him that. _

_He turned his eyes up in a glare at his mother. "Don't ever call me that again."_

_And with that, Edward stalked out of the kitchen, leaving a shocked Esme in his wake._

Edward's eyes opened and he stared up at the ceiling, guilt coursing through his body. His mother hadn't deserved his wrath. She had no idea what had been going on.

"So you started cutting yourself off from anyone that wasn't Cassandra?"

"Yeah."

"Because of this mold you say you were in?"

Edward sighed and swung himself around on the couch to face her. "I never said that I didn't feel good enough for her. I just knew I could be better for her."

Marcy smiled at him and clicked her pen a few times. "Let me ask you something. Before you started your relationship with her, were you happy?"

Edward thought back to how he had been before entering her classroom that first day. He had a few really good friends, he had loving and supportive parents who doted on him any chance they could, and he was smart and talented.

Edward nodded his head slowly. "Yeah. I guess I was happy before her."

Marcy was nodding as she spoke. "You liked your life? Who you were?"

"Yeah." Edward shrugged.

"Then what made you almost desperate to change all of that for one person?"

Edward lowered his head and his eyes narrowed. He didn't look at it as changing. He saw it as bettering himself for her.

"Edward, I think you were afraid that you would lose her. I think you felt she was too good to be true, so you changed yourself in an attempt to keep her…but you failed."

Edward laughed harshly. "Damn straight I failed. I thought that's what a relationship is all about though. Give and take; compromise or whatever the hell it's called."

"Have you felt that need with Bella yet, Edward?" She looked smug.

Hearing Bella's name made Edward smile. No, he had never felt like he had to hold back with Bella. When he was with her he could say whatever was on his mind, whether it be good or bad, and she listened and took it. He could hold her hand, kiss her cheek or her lips and not be worried that she would push him away out of fear that someone would see them. He felt at ease when she was near and anxious when they were apart. When he was with Bella, he felt at home.

He looked at the clock and adjusted the countdown to when he would be able to see her again and he caught Marcy smirking at him.

"You see Edward? With Bella, it seems like the most natural thing in the world doesn't it? There's your answer."

o-0-o

"So, what goes through your mind when you cut?"

Bella was sitting cross legged in the middle cushion on the couch. Her sleeves were down all the way, so she rolled one up and examined the lines on her arms.

"Nothing. When I cut, everything goes away."

"So you cut for the peace of mind?"

Bella nodded her head and watched as Marcy made another note on her pad of paper. Her session was almost done but there was something that had been bothering Bella. Something that had been said in the past which she had just brushed aside at the time. It had been coming back to haunt her though.

She was having dreams again. And they were pleasant, wonderful dreams. She was with Edward in the meadow he had been able to bring to life in the drawing. She would be lying with him and she felt a sense of ease. But there was also this underlying sense of urgency and oncoming dread…like the tranquility she now had wasn't going to last. And that she should soak up as much of the sunlight in their meadow as she could.

"Bella?"

Her head snapped up and her eyes met Marcy's. "You spaced out on me there. Is everything okay?"

Bella paused for a second, debating with herself. "You said 'peace of mind.' Well, I haven't cut for a couple of weeks now…"

"Are you wondering if you still have that peace?" Marcy tilted her head to the right a little.

Bella nodded her head. She wanted to know what she looked like to an outside observer.

Marcy smiled and tapped her pen on the paper in front of her. "I think that there's something else bothering you…something you want to talk to me about, but are afraid to talk to me about."

Bella looked down to her lap and she felt her cheeks blush. "It's something you said…"

"Go on."

She took a deep breath and kept her eyes downward. "Why are you so supportive of my relationship with Edward?" Her fingers were picking at the bottom of her jeans waiting for Marcy's answer.

"I think it's healthy for you."

"You mentioned something about my mother…" Bella looked back up at the woman in front of her and then back down to her jeans. "You said that she…sacrificed what she wanted."

"I don't remember phrasing it like that _exactly…_"

Bella huffed harshly and turned a glare up at her. "You said to not be like her. And you followed that with the sacrificing bit. What did you mean?"

Marcy clasped her hands together and laid them on her lap. She had a small smile on her face and Bella could feel the smugness radiating from her.

"You know what I meant Bella."

Bella stood angrily from the couch and began pacing the length of the room, her hands on her hips. This therapist was so cryptic it annoyed the hell out of Bella. She thought she'd gotten used to all the psychobabble, but then Marcy would pull one of these mind tricks on her.

"Why can't you just tell me?"

"Bella, how old are you?"

Bella paused in her pacing to look at her. "I'm seventeen." She spoke and enunciated the words slowly like she would when speaking to a child.

"You'll be eighteen in how many months?"

"Four." Bella rolled her eyes and resumed her pacing; if she wanted to play these mind games, fine.

"It's time I stopped holding your hand when you need to find answers. You'll be an adult soon; it's time to start acting like one."

Bella's lips were pursed and she was shaking her head as she paced around the office. She heard Marcy sigh and the rustling of papers.

"Bella, look at me." When brown met blue, Marcy continued. "These past few months you've been here have been good. Bella, you had an unhealthy fixation with an inanimate object: your razor blades. And taking this pain you felt out on yourself, you shut everything and everyone out. You chose to feel nothing in place of feeling the joys and consequences of life. Now, however, you have taken all of that energy, all of that fire inside of you, and put it to forming a relationship with a human being. That was one of my goals for you from the very beginning. I didn't know your connection would be with Edward, but your relationship with him only makes me more proud…of the both of you."

"My mother didn't sacrifice anything though. She was perfectly fine until that accident –"

"Bella." Marcy's voice was firm and determined. "It was not an accident. That's the one thing you haven't been able to understand yet."

Bella met challenging blue eyes with her own defiant brown ones. "No."

Marcy leaned forward in her chair. "She wanted to die Bella."

Bella was shaking her head and glaring. "No, she didn't."

Marcy gave her a condescending smile. "And yet here we are…" She gestured grandly to the room they were in with both arms.

"She wouldn't have done that to me."

"She would and she did. Because in her mind, the life she had wasn't enough. She felt trapped by everything and everyone. You included."

Bella was breathing in and out harshly, her eyes narrowed down to slits. Her mind was wrapped up in a jumble of curses and screams and she wanted to get in the woman's face and just yell. Scream at her from the top of her lungs. Because she had put in words Bella's largest insecurity.

For years, Bella had felt that she hadn't been enough to hold her mother to this earth, so she pushed people away. Except one.

Bella closed her eyes and she saw green behind her lids. As much as she'd wanted to, as hard as she'd tried, she hadn't been able to push Edward away. He told her that he felt this pull, a draw to her. If it was anything like what she felt for him, then they were both completely ruined for others.

Her eyes opened at the clicking of a pen. Marcy was regarding her with hard blue eyes.

"Think about what I've said. I can only help you so much. It's time you started helping yourself Bella. You have a better tool for figuring this out that I can never have: your memory."

And then she snapped Bella's file shut and stood, walking over to her desk.

"You can go now Bella."

o-0-o

Her body was stiff as she raced up the stairs. Back straight, shoulders squared; her legs felt laden with lead. She knew her face must be pinched in the effort to keep the tears at bay. Her neck felt stiff, throat closed off and her head was rising every few seconds with the effort to keep breathing. Her cheeks felt flushed, not because of embarrassment, but from the overwhelming anger that was coursing through her body with every beat of her heart.

She had one destination in mind, one place she desperately needed to find so she could get some relief.

Stepping onto the landing, she turned towards the layout of the floor, her brown eyes frantically searching. They were already tearing up and she wiped at the moisture before resuming her search.

They landed on her destination and she walked forward.

Her lips were trembling, holding in the sobs and cries that threatened to escape, and instead were letting out harsh and strangled gasps.

Edward was reclined on a couch, a book in his lap, waiting for her. Hearing her approach he looked up. He immediately threw the book aside seeing the turmoil Bella was in.

Without a word spoken, she climbed in his lap and buried her head in between his shoulder and neck and let the tears fall.

She felt Edward's arms come around her and hold her tightly to him as he let her get it out. Whatever it was, he didn't care. He didn't care that other people were looking at them, he didn't care that Bella was crumpling his shirt in her clenched fists or crying salt tears on his collar.

He rubbed his hands soothingly down her back and swiped the hair from her forehead. He planted a soothing kiss there and then gently adjusted her legs in his lap so she would be more comfortable. She was gasping quietly and the tears had abated slightly.

He looked down at the mess that was in his lap. Her glasses were hanging crooked off her face; the hair held up in a ponytail was all wild and coming out of its holder. Her cheeks were an angry red, her eyes still watery. There were numerous tear tracks running down her cheeks and Edward lifted his hand and rubbed his thumb gently across her cheek to get rid of them. Her mouth was swollen and Edward could see bite marks from where she had tried to keep quiet. She was sniffling quietly and little tears were still leaking from her eyes, but she was the most beautiful thing Edward had ever seen.

And there it was. Ringing true with perfect clarity and acuity within his heart. It felt akin to an out of body experience, but at that moment, Edward had never felt happier to be where he was; who he was. Looking into Bella's brown eyes he had never been more certain of anything in all of his seventeen years.

He was in love.

**

* * *

Author's Note: **The last part of this chapter has got to be one of my all time favorite moments so far in this story. I dug deep for it and so far I've been successful in writing the correct emotions I want to come across in this story.

Let me know what you think! I love all of the reviews I've gotten for this story and it still blows me away just knowing that people are reading it.

I want to remind you of my poll on my profile. And I want to say thank you to all who have already voted or left me a review telling me your input. I appreciate all of it. I've said this to some of the reviewers, and it really is my own fault. I should never have used the term 'lemon.' It brings with it a certain connotation that I would never write for this story. One reviewer said "Edward/Bella sexy time." While I like that phrase a bit more, the scene I would only ever write for this would be 'love-making.' Mushy I know, but this story is way too important to me to ruin with mindless fucking, or screwing.

Sorry for my rant, but when it comes to this story, I get a bit carried away.

Anyways, please leave me a review and I'll love you forever!


	15. Chapter Fourteen

**Author's Note: **Wow! So, with the last chapter, the reviews blew me away! Never in my wildest imaginings did I ever think I would write a story that so many people actually want to read. I've been getting demands that I have to update ASAP and reviews telling me how much they love the story, and me, which just makes me feel…gah, I can't even describe how it makes me feel. Fucking amazing! Like I'm on cloud nine.

The one thing though that's probably shocked the hell out of me the most, and threw me into a couple of rounds of hysterical laughter, is that some of you seem to think I'm a professional author…? Also, too, that I should change the character's names and add unnecessary changes and try to get it published…? While I'm really really flattered that you think that highly of this story and me, let me assure you, I am the furthest thing from a professional. Go read my profile…you'll get a little more insight into who I am. And getting this published, while it's a nice entertaining thought, that's not my goal with this story. I started writing this to prove to myself that I could write something meaningful.

I thank everyone for the compliments, they make me feel awesome! But, I'm just like the rest of you. I write for the fun of it; it makes me happy. I am so glad that all of you love this story so much, and _that_, more than anything else, keeps me updating!

Alright, rant done! Sorry if I bored anyone! On with the story!

* * *

**Healing**

"_Love cannot accept what it is. Everywhere on earth it cries out against kindness, compassion, intelligence, everything that leads to compromise. Love demands the impossible, the absolute, the sky on fire, inexhaustible springtime, life after death, and death itself transfigured into eternal life." – Albert Camus_

"_In the mind and nature of a man a secret is an ugly thing, like a hidden physical defect." – Isak Dinesen_

"_Memory, of all the powers of the mind, is the most delicate and frail." – Ben Jonson_

_**Chapter Fourteen**_

Bella sat quietly in her chair just watching him. The way his hands moved when he was talking about something that had caught his interest. The way his eyes got a teasing and almost protective glint in them when he was talking with Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie. How when he was speaking to Alice, he seemed to take extra care with how he treated her. She noticed how his eyes closed when he laughed so hard that he might fall out of his seat. How he seemed to give his whole body over to the laughter.

But she wanted to know more. She wanted to know it all. She wanted to know where the scar above the knuckles on his left hand came from, she wanted to know why he preferred those ratty old converse shoes he wore everyday as opposed to a new pair, she wanted him to tell her the story about why he so intensely disliked yogurt again, and she wanted to be in his arms through all of it.

She wanted to listen to the too loud music he liked blasting through the ear buds of his iPod and then enjoy the contrast when he played the soft piano melody that belonged to her. She wanted to bury her head in his chest and just smell his intoxicating scent and to be reassured for the hundredth time that he was real, that he was hers.

She wanted to close her eyes and just listen to his voice as he read through the chapters of numerous books that had become a favorite pass time of theirs. She wanted to share every story, every wound both external and internal.

It was surprising how deeply she felt her feelings for him in such a short amount of time, but she wouldn't change it for the world.

He wasn't perfect by any means. He still flew off the handle sometimes when she couldn't just say what she wanted. He challenged her patience every day with that insufferable habit of glaring and rolling those perfect green eyes of his. He constantly teased her over her lack of balance and her choice of reading material. He loved pissing her off just as much as he loved making her happy. He would be put out when he didn't get his own way and they would be kidding themselves if they thought theirs was the perfect romance.

But they tried every single day. They stuck with each other and every day Bella grew to love Edward more than she had the day before. Because behind every roll of his eyes and the anger he felt when she couldn't say the words out loud to him, she saw the fierce devotion in every action, in every word, in every touch he gave her. She knew he would only get frustrated with her because just as she wanted to share everything with him, he wanted to share everything with her.

And while they knew they had started off as broken individuals, frantically and blindly trying to pick up the pieces of their shattered hearts alone, they had come to the point where they were sharing this together. For every jagged piece of Edward that Bella found, so Edward found a piece of Bella. They were no longer frantic and blind in their search for understanding. Because in stumbling around in the darkness, they had found each other.

And Bella was realizing every new day she had with Edward that she would do it all over again if she could. Just so she could end up with him.

Edward was just finishing a game of chess with Alice, which had to be one of the funniest things Bella had ever seen. They were so serious, so precise and careful with their moves. Sometimes they goaded each other and cursed at a move the other made. Often though they would just look inquisitively at the other, trying to guess what their next move would be. At one point, Bella wondered if they were actually having a silent conversation about their game, but quickly brushed that thought aside and went back to her book.

A couple minutes later, she heard Edward shout out a sound of victory and looked up with a smile on her face.

Alice looked crestfallen. "How could I not have seen that move?" Her mouth and eyes were wide open in disbelief.

Edward was laughing at her expression and he just shoved the protein and energy bar across the table to her. Alice looked like she was about to protest, but Edward held up a hand.

"You remember our little deal. If I won, you have to eat that." He gestured to the bar in front of her. "We have to get that calorie count up don't we?"

Alice grudgingly nodded her head and swiped the bar off the table and started to unwrap it. Edward waited there until she had taken the first bite and then made his way over to Bella on the couch.

She lifted her legs and he sat on the cushion next to her so she could position her legs in his lap. Bella tilted the book so he could read along with her if he wanted. Edward started playing with pieces of her hair, rolling the strands in between his fingers.

Bella could feel his eyes on her but she kept her gaze on the words of her book. She felt a blush start rising on her cheeks when he didn't let up his stare. He knew something else was on her mind.

"What is it Bella?"

The question was so soft spoken that Bella wondered if he had even said it at all. She looked up and met the soft and sincere green gaze. She looked into those depths for a few moments and closed her eyes and sighed in defeat.

She got up off the couch and took hold of his hand, leading him away from the sitting area. They walked in silence all the way down the stairs and then out into the courtyard. They walked the few paces until they reached a shady patch of grass and then they both plopped down.

Bella started fiddling with the pieces of grass and Edward reclined back on his hands waiting for her to speak.

"I'm just so confused Edward."

He felt the panic rise up in his chest for a second, but then shoved it back down, knowing he had no need to be worried.

"About what?"

She sighed. "Marcy keeps saying these things…about my mom. You know how cryptic she can get. She said that that's one of the reasons why she wants our relationship to work…because according to her, my mom gave up something she wanted. And I know I shouldn't care what she thinks, but I can't ignore that."

Edward thought for a moment or two. Of course he knew Bella's position on her mother's death and he wasn't even going to try and pick sides on this little argument.

"What did she tell you to do?"

"She said to use my memory to figure out what she meant. But, how can I do that if I don't even know what to look for?"

She looked so lost and confused and Edward wanted to help her any way he could. So, he reached back to the first time he had really opened up about his own past.

"Lay back on the grass." She shot him a puzzled look and he rolled his eyes. "Just do it."

She fell back on the soft grass and waited. "Just take a deep breath and close your eyes. Let your mind clear of everything else and just let it come to you."

"Let what come to me?"

"Be quiet." He ran his hand down her arm, trying to make her relax. "Just let your mind wander where it may. You'll know when you come across something that might help you."

And so Bella shut everything out. She laid still and let the coolness of the grass beneath her converge with the heat from the sun above her. She let all of the questions and accusations run free from her mind and she was quiet.

Renee's face flashed through her mind's eyes. Bella had never wished for the ability to read someone's thoughts more.

Her memory started sifting through different scenes: Renee helping Bella open her birthday presents when she was seven, Renee taking her to school and helping her learn her times tables, Renee taking a picture of Bella's new braces, Renee taking her to a baseball game, Renee teaching Bella how to make her grandmother's brownies, Renee helping fit her sixth grade hall monitor's vest…

Bella's eyes snapped open.

o-0-o

Bella had left Edward with their group and she raced down to her therapists' office. She knocked quickly at the door before entering. Marcy was already seated in her chair, file in hand, waiting.

"Tell me." Marcy said, flipping to a clean page on her notepad. "Start with your age first."

Bella shot her a confused glance. "Why?"

"I want to establish a time frame."

Bella blinked. A time frame for what? She shook her head slightly and then focused on what she remembered.

"I was about to turn twelve, it was in the summer. She got me up really early, saying that we were going to a baseball game."

Marcy sat and contemplated that. "What's so special about that?"

Bella walked over and sat on the couch. "She hated baseball. My dad wasn't with us…and it was the minors."

Marcy tilted her head and was pleading with her blue eyes for Bella to think. "What does it mean Bella?"

Bella lowered her eyes and thought. What could it possibly mean? Her mother had been a bit of a loose cannon like that; changing her likes and dislikes like she changed her clothes. Maybe Bella was making something out of nothing. Her mother could have just wanted to get out of the house that day for the fresh air and the sunlight.

But then her Renee's face as it had been when they were sitting in the bleachers flashed across her mind. It was that same expression Bella had only witnessed on her mother's face a handful of times in her life. What had Marcy called it? Genuine happiness. Her mother, sitting in the exhausting Arizona summer heat of those bleachers, wearing an old cap of Charlie's and a new shirt she had just purchased for that day, had never looked more at peace or more happy.

Bella shook her head slowly and lifted her eyes to meet Marcy's. "I don't know what it means."

Marcy sighed and sat back in her seat. She brought her closed fist up to her chin and started lightly tapping it against her skin, her forehead scrunched in concentration.

"Are there any specific details that jump out at you right now?"

Bella concentrated as hard as she could, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary. She just shook her head.

"It's okay. This is a good start. Think on it some more. I'll see you tomorrow." She smiled as Bella stood and walked to the door.

As she walked down the hall, Bella tried to tell herself that she was reading too much into it. This meant nothing because there was nothing there. No indication or any hint at why Renee would want to take her own life. There was just simply nothing there.

As she walked back up the stairs to the second floor, though, Bella couldn't shake the feeling that she was missing something very important.

o-0-o

Edward took a deep breath. "I have to tell her don't I?"

He looked at Marcy through his lashes and then back down to his lap.

"It would be…beneficial for you if you told her. I'm surprised actually. Most victims of pedophilia hardly ever want to tell anyone of what they went through. I'm still surprised you're even talking to me about it."

Edward scoffed at the term 'victim.' He was only classified that way because he was underage, but regardless, he had been a willing participant from beginning to end.

"Edward, whether you decide to tell Bella or not, it's still a good thing what you're doing here."

Edward nodded his head, pushing those thoughts aside for later, and then took his customary position lying back on the couch. He put his hands behind his head and cradled it while closing his eyes…

_The rumors had been going around for a couple of days. He had been pulled into the principal's office a couple of times and been asked every number of embarrassing questions from one of the school police officers. He had tried to be truthful, but at the same time he had tried to protect her. His parents had been notified and they had taken him out of school for the remainder of the week. It hurt to see the shock and horror written on his mother's face and the sheer desperation for retribution on his father's._

_He was scared. He had the feeling that everything they had fought to keep safe and secret was going to be pulled out from under them. And he felt like it was his entire fault._

_He had been too clingy, too needy; he pushed to be with her too hard. And someone had found out. He didn't know who or when, but someone had found out._

_And now everyone was certain that Edward 'teacher's pet' Cullen was being screwed and was screwing his math teacher._

_His name had been kept out of any news coverage, but sources had informed them of who he was since they flocked outside his house like vultures. _

_Edward had watched the news in horror as Cassandra was lead out of the school in hand cuffs, the headline screaming 'Local Teacher Arrested for Affair with Student.'_

_He had tried to contact her; he had tried sneaking out to see her. But every time he was caught. She had been right. No one understood. They were in love and he just needed to see her, he wanted to be reassured that everything would be okay, that they would be okay at the end of this._

_He had been taken to his dad's hospital and evaluated by one of Carlisle's colleagues, Dr. Stanton. He annoyed the fuck out of Edward, making these snide pompous comments on the side about him and Cassandra. Edward knew who the man was though. His father had worked with him for a few years, and Edward knew his daughter; Edward had been a tutor for her at her middle school. Nice girl._

"Dr. Stanton was one of your therapists, yes?"

"Yep. Great guy." Edward said sarcastically.

"And you had tutored his daughter previously? And kept in touch with her all that time?"

Edward smirked. "Children of two of Mayo hospital's most esteemed doctors. We both scored the drugs the other needed. Met up, traded or mixed what we had; fucked if we wanted to, but mostly just got high."

"She was two years younger than you Edward."

"Yeah, I know, you don't have to make me feel worse about it." He turned his hard glare on her face.

Marcy heaved a sigh, made a few notes and gestured for Edward to continue.

_Edward was tired of the looks he was receiving from his parents, especially his mother. Esme would spontaneously burst into tears whenever Edward was within sight and Carlisle had taken to pacing in front of the TV listening to the latest news in their case._

_Edward just wanted all of it to stop. He wanted everything to go back to the way it was with everyone in a blissful state of oblivion._

_In an attempt to help him, his parents had sent him back to school before the trial. It was the middle of May, and Edward had finals coming up. But everywhere he went, the stares, the whisperings, and the pointing of fingers followed him. A substitute teacher had been appointed for his math class, but Edward didn't pay any attention._

_He had been in the bathroom during the lunch period, trying to clear his head of all the gossip that was flying around the campus when the door burst open._

"_Hey, Cullen." Mike Newton, probably the last person Edward ever wanted to see._

"_Newton." Edward replied in a hard low tone. He just wanted the day to be done and over with and Mike Newton's presence was not helping any._

_Edward was gripping the edges of the sink and looking into the mirror while Newton did his business. He came over to the sink next to Edward's and began washing his hands._

"_So," Newton began in a conversational tone, "she rape you or you rape her? I just want to know how easy she is, so maybe I can get in on some of that shit." And then he laughed, the sound echoing off the stalls and high ceiling._

_Edward was frozen for a split second and then his fist connected with Newton's jaw. Edward tackled him to the floor, yelling out curse upon curse and pummeling him with his clenched fists. He vaguely heard the sound of accompanying cheers and yells of "Fight, fight, fight!" from the now open bathroom door and as Mike Newton landed a blow square on his nose, Edward saw the principal, vice principal and security rushing forward. _

_He had been pulled to the principal's office and was sitting in a chair outside while they spoke to Mike Newton. He had been given a cloth and ice pack for his nose and the nurse had been kind enough to bandage his left knuckles where a pretty deep gash he couldn't remember getting during the fight now marred his skin._

_After a couple of minutes, the door opened and Mike Newton, bloodied and bandaged stepped out. He looked down at Edward sitting in the chair who returned the stare with all the rage and malice he had inside of him. _

_Mike smirked at him then snuck a glance behind him into the principal's office. He reached into his pocket and withdrew a little plastic bag full of green stuff and tossed it onto Edward's lap._

"_You look like you need it more than me. Consider it the prize for kicking my ass. Next time you'll have to pay me though."_

_And then Mike Newton sauntered off. Edward looked down into this lap and picked up the bag. His eyes widened slightly when he saw it contained weed. And a lighter. And ready made paper._

_He heard his name being called and quickly shoved the plastic bag into his backpack and then walked into the principal's office._

"So you saw the drugs as an escape?"

"They helped me forget for a little while."

"But it always came back?"

Edward nodded his head. Marcy made a few more notes and then looked back up at Edward.

"Does it hurt still?"

"Does what hurt?" He turned his head to face her.

"Remembering."

Edward sat up slowly and turned his body to face hers. "It'll always hurt. No matter what I do, no matter how much time has passed, this is going to follow me around for the rest of my life. But…" He trailed off and scratched the back of his head as he searched for the words. "It gets easier to handle. Every day I accept it because I have no choice but to accept it."

Marcy was smiling at him with evident pride in her eyes. She tapped her pen on the notepad a couple of times. "Very good. Edward this was a very good session."

He just nodded his head, his earlier thoughts of exposing this part of his past to Bella now at center stage in his mind.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Long chapter withlots of information, but I decided to get the ball rolling a bit faster. I hope you all enjoyed it and please leave me some more wonderful reviews!


	16. Chapter Fifteen

**Author's Note: **I think I have multiple personalities. One personality, which answers my reviews, tells you poor people that I will not update for a number of days. The other personality, who is typing this right now, is the hard worker, and wants to get a chapter out as fast as she can.

So, me and my many personalities bring you yet another chapter and we hope you like it!

* * *

**Healing**

"_In grief we know the worst of what we feel,_

_But who can tell the end of what we fear?" – Hannah More_

"_The mother-child relationship is paradoxical and, in a sense, tragic. It requires the most intense love on the mother's side, yet this very love must help the child grow away from the mother and to become fully independent." – Erich Fromm_

"_In extreme youth, in our most humiliating sorrow, we think we are alone. When we are older we find that others have suffered too." – Suzanne Moarny_

_**Chapter Fifteen**_

Bella sat looking at the screen of her computer in shock. Her brows were scrunched together as she read over the words on the web page link she had clicked on. When she had finished, her eyes shifted to Edward sitting across from her at his computer. He had a pen stuck between his teeth and he was swinging back and forth in his swivel chair, arms crossed as he waited for her to say something.

"You're joking right? I mean, you couldn't possibly be considering this." Bella's eyes were wide as she once again looked at the computer screen.

Edward just nodded his head solemnly and kept his eyes latched onto her.

"Okay. I know you can afford it and all, but…New Hampshire? Really?" Edward had sent her a link in a private message for the Ivy League college of Dartmouth. As she looked over the homepage, it just further reminded her that in just a few short weeks, he would be leaving. And Bella was staying.

Edward, wanting to make up his missed credits and be on target for graduating, had signed up for a couple of other courses that were offered at the hospital, while his parents managed to sign him up for some late summer school courses at Brophy College Preparatory after he was released. Two days after his birthday…

…_Edward passed her the brochure his parents had sent down from Scottsdale. Bella looked at it in amusement and smirked at him._

"_You're not Catholic."_

_Edward smirked and shrugged. "They have an awesome program though. And colleges eat that shit up…you know, going in for extra classes to get back on track or whatever."_

_Bella looked back at the brochure. "It's an all boys' school. Emmett's gonna love that."_

_Edward groaned and his head fell onto his chest. "Please don't tell him."_

_Bella laughed and stroked her fingers through his hair. She opened the brochure and saw the dates for his program. June 22__nd__ was the first day. Her face fell and her hand dropped from his hair. Edward lifted his head and saw her troubled face. He lifted a hand and caressed her cheek. Bella lifted her eyes to his face and they stared at one another._

"_When are you leaving?" It came out as a whisper._

_He sighed heavily. "My mom wants me home for my birthday on the 20__th__. I'll be released on the 18__th__."_

_Bella's mind quickly calculated how much time they had left together. Just less than three short weeks left._

_She felt moisture begin gathering in her eyes and Edward became saddened._

"_Hey," he said softly as he leaned in to kiss her forehead. "It's okay. We'll figure something out. I promise, Bella, we'll figure it out."_

_And Bella quickly wiped at her eyes, putting on a smile for him and nodding her head with false enthusiasm that she knew he could see right through. But he didn't say anything this time. He just placed his arms around her and held her, rubbing her back. _

_Bella rested her chin on his shoulder and tried to be happy for him. He was getting out. He was taking all of the right steps in making his way back into the world. His world. A world of prep schools and money and doctor fathers and designer mothers. He lived in Scottsdale for god's sake! Scottsdale, of the rolling hills and gated communities that Bella had only ever seen in passing whenever she had to ride the city bus to her old therapists' office. He drove a Volvo while she had an old rusty truck that didn't actually run. He was designer, she was vintage. _

_And every day, it seemed like he was pulling farther away back into the world from which he had come. A world she was not a part of…_

"It's not just for me." He brought her out of her musings and she looked back at him again.

"What do you mean?"

"One of the deadlines for the application is November first. Would you be able to get it filled out in time?"

"That's not funny. First of all, I don't have the money to go to school there. Second, I don't have the grades. Third…I don't have the money." She honestly didn't know why he still insisted on teasing her.

Edward laughed at her and walked around the table with his chair and sat next to her.

"Okay, firstly, there are scholarships you can apply for, secondly, you have some of the top grades here, and thirdly, you have me."

Bella was silent for a few minutes as she looked back at the screen. Edward took her hand in his and gently rubbed it while she thought. She felt a light sensation in the pit of her stomach. Edward wanted to make plans for the future…with her. He wanted them to go to college together, and not just any college. She knew Dartmouth was his dream college, and that with a little more work, and a sizable donation from his family, he would be able to get in no problem. But Bella was worried. What if, in the next few months when they were separated, Edward changed his mind? What if, when he was finally on the outside, he realized he didn't want some scarred, lonely girl he had deemed entertaining enough to hang around in the mental institution that was his past?

Bella took a deep breath and tried to quiet all of those fears and insecurities building up in her.

"But what would we do?" She turned her eyes back to his and he was smiling at her, his green eyes twinkling.

"Anything we want."

o-0-o

Edward looked back at the clock on his bedside table for about the millionth time that night and heaved a great big sigh. Two o'clock in the morning and sleep was eluding him. Of course it didn't help that his ass hat of a room mate turned down the air conditioning, turning their room into an icicle. Apparently werewolves get really hot. Edward rolled his eyes and grabbed a magazine Jasper had lent him then got out of bed. He rolled it up while silently walking over to Jacob's bed and then whacked him over the head with it.

Nothing. Edward waited a few seconds and then tried it again. Every single night Edward did this so the kid would quit snoring. Edward thought it was hilarious when Jacob woke the next day complaining of headaches.

Once the snoring had abated Edward walked back to his bed and tossed the magazine back on the table before climbing under his covers. He rolled onto his back and looked up at the ceiling. He saw the little picture he had sketched of Bella tacked above him. He had done it when she'd fallen asleep next to him on the couch one night just so he could be greeted with her face when he woke. Right now though, he needed to see her to make sense of the jumble of thoughts in his head.

Should he tell her? Would she be able to handle the explicit details of his past? He knew it would be hard, hell, he had lived it and it was hard for him still. He knew about her past and the pain she felt almost on a daily basis. But he accepted it because those things were what helped shape her into who she was. He was in love with who she was. But would Bella be able to accept him after he told her all of his dirty little secrets?

He sighed again and flipped onto his side facing the wall. He swallowed heavily and closed his eyes…

He saw Cassandra at the front of her classroom, eyes locked with his…

He saw Bella tugging on the cereal bowl that first day, with all the indignation in the world in her eyes…

He saw Cassandra as she tilted her face to kiss his lips…

He saw Bella sitting across from him in group therapy with a soft smile on her lips as she watched him…

He saw Cassandra in the audience of the school auditorium and he stumbled on his way to the piano…

He saw Bella lying on the floor of the music conservatory, eyes closed as she listened to his playing…

He saw the roses he had bought for Cassandra as a secret gift for Valentines' Day…

He saw the blush on Bella's cheeks as he kissed her hand and tugged her into his lap…

He saw Cassandra as she laughed at his foolishness…

He saw Bella as they laughed together at a joke Emmett had told over lunch…

He heard Cassandra telling him _"No one can know…"_

He heard Bella, saying with all the sweetness in the world _"Alright."_

And then, just like the suddenness of their relationship, Cassandra, the entangler of men, was suddenly pushed away and all Edward wanted to focus on, all that he wanted to lull him to sleep were his thoughts and memories of Bella.

Her hand in his hair, her lips on his, her legs tangled with his as they lay on the couch, her books taking up residence in his arms, her smell on his clothes…her voice in his head.

And Edward knew he had to tell her. If he wanted this relationship to work, there could be no secrets between them, nothing that could hold him back from her in any way.

And it was with that decision that Edward finally slept.

o-0-o

_Bella was walking through the flowers of their meadow, allowing her fingertips to brush against the blossoms. She was walking at a slow leisure pace, no hurry behind her actions. She felt at ease._

_She looked around at her little peaceful spot and sighed. Edward wasn't there, but she could feel something was coming. She looked upwards but was abruptly twisted around as the scenery morphed and changed._

"_Bella, sweetie, wake up! We're going to a baseball game today!"_

_It didn't sound like Renee, all twisted and garbled from her dream like state, but she knew it was her mother._

_Then she was looking upon a baseball diamond, though no one was there. She turned and twisted around in her seat and saw her mother next to her. It was a faceless woman, but the hair coloring and the clothing were exactly the same as they had been that day._

_Her mother was cheering for a game that was not going on. Bella observed her sitting there. Loose jeans, old, worn cap that had belonged to Charlie, and then the new shirt Renee had purchased. _

_Everything just as she remembered. And then her mother was standing up and cheering for the game as well, which was probably the only thing that was out of the ordinary. Bella eyes travelled to the back of her mother's body as it remained standing. _

_The shirt she wore was plain and black. But it had a number on the back. It was a team shirt, but why would her mother purchase a team shirt?_

_The fabric shifted with the movement of her mother's arms and Bella could make out the bolded last name printed in white lettering above the number._

_Dwyer. _

Bella eyes opened and she saw it was daylight. That last name, Dwyer. She'd seen it and heard it somewhere before; she could feel something pushing at her mind, almost begging to be released. Like all these times she has a word on the tip of her tongue, but can't quite get it out. She knew something was there; she just couldn't place it yet.

Looking over at Alice's bed she saw the little pixie had already dressed and gone down to breakfast. Bella tossed her covers aside and went across to her closet and grabbed a pair of jean shorts and a tee shirt…short sleeves.

She slipped them on and running a brush through her hair she slipped her feet into a pair of slip on Vans. Still shaking the fog from her bizarre dream out of her head, she opened the door of her room and was greeted with Edward, leaning against the wall, looking a little tired.

He flashed his crooked smile and walked forward to take her hand. He looked down at her arms and for a moment Bella felt the self consciousness threaten to suffocate her until Edward lowered his lips to her arm and kissed a long jagged scar. He straightened up and kissed her cheek and then together they walked down the hall to the stairs.

"How'd you sleep? You look tired." She said bringing her other hand up to his face and tracing a dark circle under his eye.

He shrugged. "I tossed for a few hours, but then I recited an excerpt from Bronte and I was out like a light." And then he was glancing at her out of the corners of his eyes and he smirked at her.

Bella laughed at his teasing. He smiled at the sound of her laughter and took his hand from hers, placing his whole arm around her waist.

They entered the mess hall and went to the line to get their food.

Edward watched as Bella filled a bowl with her customary vanilla yogurt and fruit, while he just made some toast.

"So, tell me something," he said as they walked to their table. "Why do you like strawberry shampoo and vanilla yogurt, but not vanilla shampoo and strawberry yogurt?"

They sat down across from each other and Bella just looked at him. Edward looked back in all seriousness. Bella's mouth opened incredulously.

"Are you serious?"

Edward nodded his head. "I wanna know."

She laughed and poured some milk in her glass. "I don't know…strawberry yogurt has chunks and seeds in it. Vanilla shampoo smells too…sugary and sweet."

Edward scrunched up his forehead as he thought and then nodded. "I can accept that."

Bella laughed around a mouthful of yogurt. Edward smiled at her and turned to Jasper, striking up a conversation about the history paper they'd had to write in one of their extra classes.

She watched him as he talked and picked at his toast. It was these little things, these tiny pieces of information that he just wanted to know about, that endeared him all the more to her. He asked about everything. Every tiny insignificant detail that when added up, they equaled Bella.

She looked around at the people at her table. Her eyes scanned over Rosalie, looking beautiful as ever, sitting next to Emmett, who had an arm around her chair as they spoke with Alice.

Bella's eyes looked over Emmett. He was wearing a baseball jersey and that just brought everything crashing back.

She folded an arm around her middle while the other brought the spoon up to her mouth every once in a while.

Dwyer. Where had she heard that name before? Not on any major sports station because it had been a minors baseball game. Her eyes were narrowed at the table while she thought and thought and thought.

And then something clicked. In a long ago conversation…well argument, between her parents. It was long after the seeming ordinariness of a baseball game and Bella had been awoken by the angry shouts of her Renee and Charlie…

_Twelve year old Bella crept down the stairs of her house clad in her pajamas. Her hair was pulled back in a braid that she had begged her mother to do for her before she went to sleep. The Mighty Mouse clock in her room had read 12:34 in the morning._

_What were her parents still doing up?_

"_You can't do this Charlie!" Came the rushed and frantic whisper of her mother._

"_Yes, I damn well can Renee! You can't tell me what to do, not while you're off every other day doing god knows what with that –"_

"_Charlie! Let's just calm down and talk about this please!"_

_Bella crept towards the opening into the living room and pressed herself against the wall. There was some mumbling that she couldn't make out and she strained her ears all the more to catch the words._

"_I hope it was good while it lasted Renee. Does Dwyer know about me and Bella?"_

_Bella's forehead creased. Who was Dwyer? And why should he know about them? _

"_Charlie…I never meant to hurt anyone…especially not Bella." Her mother sounded tired, exhausted even._

_Nothing more was said…there was only silence. Bella waited for a few more moments and then crept along the wall back along the wall to the stairs. As she slipped beneath the covers, she silently told herself she would ask about it in the morning._

_But when the morning came, both Charlie and Renee acted completely normal. Her mother was actually extra careful around Bella, helping her with her school clothes and making her lunch for the day._

_And Bella completely forgot about the animosity that had been present in her parents. Because all was right within her twelve year old little world again._

Coming out of her shocked stupor from a loud round of laughter from her group at the table, Bella gasped as she finally realized the why of everything.

Her spoon slipped from her hands at the enormity of it all.

o-0-o

She ran. She didn't care about the questioning stares from Emmett, Jasper, Rosalie and Alice when she pushed her bowl away from her and stood from the table. She tried not to care that Edward stood with her and tried to reach for her before she bolted, calling her name and following her through the halls no doubt.

But she didn't stop until she reached Marcy's office. Not bothering to knock, Bella flung the door open and before she slammed it shut, she saw Edward's pale and shocked face down the hall.

Her breathing was heavy, her eyes were wide, and her heart seemed to be pounding in her throat as she processed what everything meant.

She could feel her chest shaking with the enormity of her revelations in such a short amount of time and she couldn't turn towards the interior of the office and look upon the face of a woman who had known before she had. A woman who had known everything before she had even worked out the numerous clues that had been glaring her in the face for such a long time.

But Bella had stubbornly refused to see it.

Closing her eyes and trying to stop the quick little gasps that were coming from her mouth, Bella turned her body slowly towards Marcy.

The red haired doctor was leaning against her chair, fingers laced loosely in front of her. Her brow was smooth, her eyes and face filled with remorse, sorrow, and pride.

For long moments their eyes remained locked, and Bella was desperately trying to ask a question with her eyes.

If everything she thought was really true.

They stood in those positions for a while, Bella asking that question over and over.

And then Marcy sighed softly and nodded her head a fraction up and down.

"Yes, Bella." It wasn't a question, but a confirmation.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Kudos to FRK921, pippapear, Ninde Ancalime, and Sarquan for being able to connect my little hints at what Bella's mother went through. Sarquan was the first to guess in a review, and I was actually more surprised that not a lot of others caught on. I thought I had been dropping hints left and right, but maybe they were only obvious to me because I knew what I was getting at. If you guessed it, but didn't say anything in a review, good job!If you have no idea what i'm talking about, all willbe explained in the next chapter.

Anyways, I hope you all liked this chapter! I tried to make it a little longer and it's full of information (again)! Please please please review and I'll love you all forever!


	17. Chapter Sixteen

**Author's Note: **You guys wanted it so here it is. The longest chapter yet, over 6,000 words and spanning over 14 pages. I have never written anything this long before.

I want to apologize again to anyone who was still left feeling confused after the last chapter. I thought for sure that I was leaving the most obvious hints and for about the half the reviews I got, I had a lot of face-palm moments. I also wondered if maybe you're reading the same story I'm writing. But the explanation for all of it is down below and I hope its okay. I got really long winded, so I hope none of you are still left confused or get lost.

Also, I know I haven't really been writing about the other characters, just briefly touching on them, but that's because this story is first and foremost about Bella and Edward.

I'm kind of nervous about this one so please let me know how it is.

* * *

**Healing**

"_Human life consists in mutual service. No grief, pain, misfortune, or 'broken heart' is excuse for cutting off one's life while any power of service remains. But when all usefulness is over, when one is assured of an unavoidable and imminent death, it is the simplest of human rights to choose a quick and easy death in place of a slow and horrible one." – Suicide note, Charlotte Perkins Gilman_

"_There is a difference between a psychopath and a neurotic. A psychopath thinks two and two are five. A neurotic knows two and two are four, but he worries about it." – Anonymous_

"_To love, and to be hurt often, and to love again – this is the brave and happy life." – J.E. Buckrose_

"_You've got to love what's lovable, and hate what's hateable. It takes brains to see the difference." – Robert Frost_

_**Chapter Sixteen**_

_Eleven year old Bella folded her hall monitor's vest neatly and placed it in her backpack slowly. She was trying to buy herself time. She placed her backpack over her shoulder and walked to the door of the classroom and entered the hall. It was about ten minutes after the three o'clock bell had sounded so there weren't that many kids left walking in the halls, all having gone outside to be picked up or to head to the bus lanes._

_Bella walked down the halls that led to the front office, waved to the secretaries behind the large navy blue front desk and walked out into the sunshine. She shielded her eyes with a hand on her forehead and scanned the row of parked cars, looking for her moms._

_Spotting it a couple rows down, Bella began walking slowly, still trying to buy herself time. She had a dentist appointment at 3:30 and had been dreading it all day. All week actually. _

_She trudged along the sidewalk walking to the car. When she got closer, she looked up to make sure that it was indeed her mother's car. She smiled slightly when she saw her mother behind the wheel. As she got closer, Bella realized she was on her cell phone._

_Not wanting to eavesdrop, Bella remained waiting for her to finish up, just watching her. Her mother was talking animatedly with whoever was on the other end, laughing and gesturing with her free hand. Even when Bella could tell she was just speaking, Renee had a glowing smile on her face the entire time. At one point, Renee stopped talking and just lowered her eyes, a small, content, and beautiful smile on her face. Her head tilted to the right and her shoulders heaved slightly; like she was sighing in happiness._

_Bella walked forward and grabbed the handle of the door opening it so she could get in the front seat._

_Her mother's eyes widened slightly but then she turned back to facing the windshield._

"_I have to go now." She said in a frenzied voice. She waited a few more moments, listening to the talking on the other end and then said in a soft voice, "I love you too." And then she hung up tossing her phone back in her purse and turning the key in the ignition, blasting the air conditioning._

_As Renee asked Bella about her day and drove them to dentists' office, all Bella could focus on was how that when she was ready, when the time was right, she wanted to tell someone she loved them with the same devotion, the same sureness that her mother had used that day, in that conversation…_

Bella stood there in turmoil. In anxiety. In embarrassment. In anger. How could she not have seen it? It was right there in front of her the entire time. How could no one have told her? How could Charlie be able to look her in the eye day after day, knowing that Bella had her mother on one of the highest metaphorical pedestals ever to be wished? How could Marcy have kept this from her? The woman had no links to her past; it should have been easy letting this slip in one of their sessions.

Bella was still shaking and gasping, but now, now she felt a rage fill her up so high that the trembles now racking her body were making her vision go double.

She closed her eyes and tried to get a hold of herself. She needed to be in some form of control for what she was about to do.

"Let me use the phone." She was whispering in her attempt to remain calm and in control.

She heard the woman sigh. "Bella, we need to discuss – "

"I will be discussing this, just not with you. Not right now. Give me a phone." Bella kept her voice as level as she could and she looked upon Marcy with a hard gaze.

Marcy turned to her desk and opened a drawer digging around and bringing out a cell phone. Flipping it open and turning it on, she walked over to Bella and handed it to her with a resigned smile.

"Would you like some privacy?"

Bella snorted and walked further into the office. "You know everything why should that matter now?" She mumbled childishly as she punched in the numbers and brought the phone up to her ear with her still shaking fingers.

She waited, remaining standing, with her other hand on her hip. Her resolve was beginning to melt away from twenty seconds ago. Maybe she should talk to Marcy first, to get herself more under control and her thoughts in order.

But then he picked up.

"Hello?"

Bella opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came out. Hearing his voice rushed all ounces of anger and rage from her body and all that was left was sadness and sorrow.

"Hello? Who's there?" He was getting impatient, and Bella felt the tears rush to her eyes before she could stop them and then she was crying into the phone. Gasps and sobs were racking her body and her legs felt heavy and weak. She slowly sank to the floor beneath her and brought her legs up to her chest, clutching the phone like it was a lifeline.

"Bella!" Charlie's voice was frantic now on the other end. "What is it? What's wrong? Do you need me? I'll leave right now!"

And she could hear him in the background tossing things around, the clinking of keys.

"Dad…" Her voice was shaking and she opened her mouth wide to take in an adequate supply of oxygen.

"Bella, tell me what happened. Is it that kid? Your…boyfriend?" He sounded so uncomfortable calling Edward her boyfriend and that touched something in her. He was still the same. Even after all her mother had subjected him to, he was still the same. And for no reason at all, Bella was laughing through her tears.

"Bella? What is wrong with you?" She must have been scaring Charlie with her sudden mood swings so she got her laughter under control and went back to crying.

"What was his name dad?" Her eyes closed, waiting for Charlie to answer.

"What? Who? Who's name?"

"The man…mom was having her…affair with." Her heart wrenched having to bring this up with Charlie after all this time. He must have buried this a long time ago and it was all old news to him.

But for Bella, it might as well have just happened.

She heard Charlie suck in a large deep breath and the creaking of something in the background. He must have made it all the way to the living room in his haste to leave the house and go down there to see her.

"Oh Bella." He sounded so sad now and Bella's eyes closed as another wave of fresh tears and anguish wracked her body.

"I never wanted…who told…oh _shit_." She could picture him, sitting in his favorite chair, shoulders slumped, forehead in hand, phone pressed against his ear. She felt horrible for putting him in this position, but he really should have told her long ago.

"What was his name?" She was sniffling and whispering harshly now.

Charlie sighed. "Phil Dwyer."

"How long did it go on for?" Her brow was creased and she rested her chin on her knees. Her back was still shaking with all of the emotions currently surging through her body.

"I don't know Bells. They met when you were…oh, I'd say you must have been eleven then. I didn't know what was going on at first…I should have though." He was speaking in low tones, regret and pain lacing every word.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Her voice was quivering and her throat felt like it was closing off. She brought a hand up and swiped at her cheeks harshly, but more moisture just seemed to leak from her eyes in never ending trails. She was angry with everyone. With everything. With Marcy, for not having the damned courtesy or guts to tell her. With Charlie for not just sitting her down and talking to her about it.

With herself for being such a fool. A stubborn fool. A blind stubborn fool.

"Bella…I never wanted you to know." He breathed into the phone sounding like his heart was breaking all over again.

"Why not?" Bella would have at least been able to shoulder some of the pain. They could have gone through it together.

"You were so young Bella…so young when it happened." And Bella realized he was right. She had been young, too young to understand what could have possibly compelled Renee to do this to them. "I didn't want you to remember her that way…you loved her so much…still do. And I don't want that to ever change, do you hear me?"

But it had changed. This had altered her memory of her mother completely…for the worse too. Bella was so incredibly angry with her mother. How could she have done this to them? To Charlie?

Bella pursed her lips. "Was she always as unhappy with…us…with me…as I remember?" Her eyes closed, afraid of the answer.

"She loved you so much Bella, never forget that." Bella knew he was only speaking to her about this, using these words, because they weren't face to face. If they were, Charlie probably wouldn't be able to do this.

"Renee never wanted to be tied down. I tried not to make her feel that way…but she was just never satisfied or content with our life."

"Why didn't you just divorce her?"

"She wouldn't let me." Bella's eyes narrowed in confusion.

"Why?" She asked incredulously.

"She saw it as the only way she could remain in your life. She ended it with…_him_…but things just went on a downward spiral after that."

They had both tried to protect her. From each other, from themselves, from the outside cruelties of life. But both had failed miserably Bella deduced as she looked down at her arms. How this must have hurt her father, first losing his own wife to another man and then to have her take her life because of it and second, having his daughter act very carelessly with her own life.

She was gasping out sobs again and tears leaked from her closed eyes. "I'm sorry we hurt you."

She felt a hand on her back beginning to rub gentle circles and she looked up through the haze of her wet eyes and saw the blur that was Marcy. She had her hand outstretched for the phone and Bella weakly handed it over to her without another word said.

Marcy started talking to Charlie and Bella sat as still as she could on the floor. She folded her arms over her knees and tried not to think about this anymore.

After a couple of minutes, Marcy hung up the phone but remained sitting on the floor with Bella, rubbing her back in an attempt to be comforting.

Bella sniffed quickly and lifted her eyes so she could glare. "You knew about this." It was statement of fact, the truth coming out, finally.

Marcy locked eyes with her and held her gaze. "Yes."

"You didn't tell me." Bella was getting angry again.

Marcy shook her head. "No."

Bella took a deep breath. "Why?"

"Would you have believed me? You had to figure it out on your own. When you were ready for it."

Bella was silent for a moment, her last words dredging up another memory of one of their conversations over the picture Marcy was hoarding from Bella.

"_Can I have that please?"_

"_No."_

"_Why?"_

"_You're not ready for it."_

Bella began rubbing her hands up and down on her legs as she processed all of this. Seeing that Bella still could not make a lot of sense out of what she had learned, Marcy moved to sit in front of her, crossing her legs on the rug they were sitting on.

"Bella, all that I know of your mother is written in your file. We need a complete family history with all of our patients. That's how I knew about your mother's affair. And from the other details written in there, I have gathered that no amount of love or happiness or will power from either you or your dad would have made a difference for her. She was just unhappy. And it was a terrible thing how she went about handling it."

"She killed herself because she felt weighed down by Charlie and me. That's it. It was cruel and completely selfish." Bella was crying angry tears and her cheeks felt hot.

Marcy nodded her head. "Yes, it was a completely selfish move. But I don't think she meant to hurt you."

Bella snorted at that and continued crying.

"Think Bella. Think back to that day, where you came home from school and found her like that. What did she say to you?"

Bella's head was pounding as she tried to do as she was asked.

"She said that everything would be fine now. That I didn't have to worry. And then she sent me up to my room to do my homework." Bella looked up into Marcy's eyes. "She said she would be okay."

"She was your mother and she was trying to protect you."

Bella's head tilted back and she shook it back and forth slowly. "Why didn't she just leave us then? Run off with him and be happy?"

"I don't think she had the chance. As far as affairs go, people tend to get impatient; they want to rush things along. I think Renee was so torn she couldn't make up her mind fast enough. And this Phil Dwyer got tired of waiting."

Bella couldn't help but think she and her mother were similar in that respect. Never making up their minds until they absolutely had to. Never just speaking up about the things that were important to them; what she wanted. Edward's face came to mind and she began panicking. What if she ended up hurting him the same way Renee had hurt her dad? And her lover? Bella didn't think she could live with herself if she ever hurt Edward in that way. She was breathing deeply again at just the thought.

"Bella, what's going on? Just breathe, Bella." Marcy's hand was back rubbing gentle circles in her back. A fresh round of tears and wave upon wave of panic and fear began wracking her body as she thought of how she would only end up hurting Edward in the end. She knew it was inevitable. And that thought scared the hell out of her.

"I should never have started this with Edward." She whispered in agony.

"No, Bella no. Don't think like that." Marcy's soft voice was chiding her gently, but it didn't stop Bella's overwhelming sense of dread.

"What makes me so different from her then?" Bella said bitterly.

"Bella, your mother settled when she married your father. It's just the sad, bitter and lonely truth. When she had you, I think she was trying to fill up some void left in the pieces missing from her marriage. But then, she met someone who filled her to the brim with happiness and love. I think she went about it the wrong way completely; she was trying to have the best of both worlds. But those worlds of hers kept clashing and colliding and she felt she had no choice but to choose between them. But, I'm sorry to say, that either choice would have led to the same outcome. You ask for the difference between you two. You get to learn from her Bella. She was weak. She willingly gave up the person who made her feel the most alive, and in doing so, she killed herself long before taking her own life. You are not weak Bella. You're not settling. You have found what you're looking for. In Edward. I see you two day after day and your connection only gets stronger. You are holding onto him, opening up to him, sharing with him. And that's a good thing."

Bella felt her press something into her hand and looking down she saw it was the picture of her and Edward, locked in their embrace from that night a few months ago, about to have their first kiss.

She looked back up at Marcy. "It's important Bella. It's so important. And you're ready for it now."

o-0-o

Edward was going out of his mind. When Bella had just jumped up out of her seat and bolted like that he felt his gut twist and wrench at the look of utter shock and upset on her face. He immediately visualized her sitting on the floor of some bathroom with a shiny razor in her hand running it over an unmarked space on her arm, blood dripping onto the floor, her life slipping away from them, and he bolted after her.

When he realized that she was running to their therapists' office, he had slowed down, only following then to make sure that was indeed where she was going.

He waited outside the office, leaning against the wall, pacing back and forth in front of the door. He had to leave when it came the time for his sessions in the computer commons, but he had rushed through that as fast as he could.

He searched the second floor for her, then moving down to the first. He had headed back to Marcy's office, thinking she might have spent the entire morning there. He had stopped short when reaching the door though. There was a note tacked up telling the rest of Marcy's patients that she would not be conducting any private sessions that day and that she would catch up with everyone in their group sessions.

Edward felt something in his stomach tighten. This was connected to Bella, he was sure of it. He was even surer of it when she never showed up at lunch and no one else could find her. Alice checked their room once every hour during the afternoon, worried about her friend. Rosalie and Emmett checked the courtyard and Jasper stayed on the second floor as a look out if she came up there. Edward went to the music conservatory and the art room. Nothing.

She didn't show up at dinner either and Edward was nervous. She had never not shown up. Something was wrong.

When the five of them gathered around at their appointed time for their group session, Bella and Marcy were still no shows.

"Well, isn't this a shit stain?" Emmett crudely spoke up from his place on one of the long couches.

"Language Emmett." And there Marcy was, carrying her notepad and pen, a little winded. She must have run from her office. Edward scanned behind her, but Bella was not with her.

"Where's Bella?" It was Alice who spoke and her brow was furrowed in confusion.

Marcy paused for a second, glancing at all of their faces. "Bella has been excused from tonight's group session. Alright," and she looked over the five of them again with a critical eye. "Emmett, how was today?"

But Edward tuned them all out. There were those anxious feelings clawing at him like they always did when he was away from Bella for a long period of time. He folded his arms across his chest and sat back in his chair as the rest of his group talked.

o-0-o

Alice quietly crept into the room she shared with Bella, keeping the lights turned off. She could make out the lump under the covers on Bella's bed and guessed she was asleep. Not wanting to wake her, Alice took off her shoes at the door and walked slowly to the closet to change into her pajamas.

Once that was taken care of, she silently went to her bed and flipped on the tiny light on her bedside table, her eyes still watching Bella, hoping she wouldn't wake her.

She took her book and flipped to the section she had left off on the previous night and just as the first few words registered in her mind she heard Bella shift under her covers.

Looking up, she saw the brunette head of her best friend emerge from the covers and she put on a smile.

"Alice?" Bella questioned quietly.

"I'm here Bella."

Bella yawned widely and shook her head, making some hair fall into her face. "How was group? I'm sorry I didn't go…"

Alice shrugged. "It's okay. Nothing really monumental happened. Emmett made innuendos, Marcy scolded him, Rosalie thought he was hilarious, I sat on Jasper's lap and he felt me up a bit. Just a regular night."

Bella smiled and hummed lowly. "How was Edward?"

"He missed you. He didn't really contribute much…not that he always does or anything. But I could tell he wasn't really there. He was trying to find where you were." And she tapped the side of her head for emphasis.

Bella sighed and rubbed a hand down her face. "I don't know where I was. I just…" she trailed off, unsure of how to continue.

"Had a breakthrough?" Alice supplied.

Bella blinked. And then she nodded her head. "Yeah," she said softly, looking back at Alice. "Yeah, I had a breakthrough. And it threw me for a loop."

"Don't worry. We've all been there. It gets easier." Alice smiled encouragingly at her.

Bella tiredly returned the smile. "Thanks Alice."

Alice shrugged nonchalantly, turning back to her book. "It's what I'm here for."

Bella laughed softly and then fell back against her bed. Alice continued reading and just a few short minutes later she heard the gentle breathing of her roommate as Bella fell into sleep.

o-0-o

Edward didn't sleep that night, his mind running and running with worry, not letting him rest. He was half a mind to go to her room right then and make sure she was actually there, that she was safe and intact. But he held back. He knew that if he was in her presence, and that she was alright, he would break down in front of her, the words spilling loose from his mouth, no filter, no thought in his head other than just getting it out of him.

Early in the morning, before the sun was up, Edward just had to do something. Anything to distract him and help order his thoughts. He didn't want to just out it all out there; as crude as the truth was, Bella didn't deserve that. He knew it was in his nature to be blunt, but with this he had to have some sensitivity to her feelings.

He walked slowly down the hall to the stairs and went down to the second floor. He walked the hard wood floors until he reached the doors of the music conservatory.

Entering, his breath caught in his throat. She was there, looking for the entire world like she had been waiting for him. Her back was to him as she sat on the piano bench and her shoulders were slumped, her hair pulled back in a messy ponytail.

He kept his steps quiet as he walked over to her on the bench. She didn't seem surprised when he sat next to her on the bench. Neither spoke for a while, just sitting with each other, their arms touching.

Edward's eyes shifted to her. Her face was drawn and tired, her eyes puffy, dark circles underneath them. Bella's eyes lifted from the keys of the piano and they locked with his. He read exhaustion, sadness…but also fierce determination in those brown depths. And that helped compel him to do what needed to be done.

"I couldn't sleep anymore. I came here to think, but I'm tired of thinking." She said just above a whisper as she laid her head down on his shoulder.

He reached for her hand and squeezed it gently and placed a kiss on top of her head. "I have to tell you something." He was scared and nervous. Scared that he would say everything all wrong, scared that she would reject him, nervous…that she wouldn't. The thought of being rejected as well as the thought of her knowing and not letting it matter to her were equally terrifying thoughts. He had always thought that if she knew, he would never be able to feel the same way about her, look at her the same way as he used to. He hoped desperately that that wouldn't happen.

Bella lifted her head and looked at him, waiting for him to continue.

"Unless…you'd rather go back to sleep now. It can wait…" He foolishly tried to buy himself time.

But Bella shook her head. "No it's alright. I need something else to focus on right now."

Edward nodded his head and thought. He didn't know where to start.

Bella watched his face change to different expressions of stress, panic; it looked like he was choking on his words. Her brow furrowed and she reached up a hand to cup his cheek. He immediately leaned into her hand and closed his eyes, breathing deeply.

"Now who's the one who can't say what they mean?" She tried to tease him, but inside she felt the fear trickle to the surface. Those words "I have to tell you something" were classic in the "I want to break up with you" scenario.

She didn't know if she would be able to handle that right then, but if that's what he wanted then she would suffer through it.

Edward stood abruptly and turned away from her and she immediately went cold.

"I can't…be looking at you…when I tell you…" His back was tense and all Bella wanted to do was take him in her arms and hold him.

"Whatever it is I'm listening." She said as softly as she could.

And so he told her. He told her how when he was fifteen he had believed himself in love with a woman almost twice his age. How his shy and moldable fifteen year old self had taken it upon himself to change to fit her standards. How she had introduce him to the world of sexual intimacy. How he would have given her his soul if she had asked. How he had been such a naïve fool to believe that she would want him afterwards. How he had been making plans to run off with her; all she'd had to do was say so. But, like he had tried to protect her during the trial, Cassandra had only been looking out for one person. Herself. Making claims that it was Edward who had initiated the relationship, how it was Edward who forced her to keep quiet. She even tried to pass him off as a fifteen year old rapist, some delinquent who only thought with his cock. He hadn't been allowed in the courtroom, but he'd watched the tapes. He'd wanted to make a statement, but was held back.

During the time he was telling Bella all about it, he had sunk down to the floor, gripping his head in his hands, fighting the urge to just scream and yell and curse at the top of his lungs.

When he got to the point in his little confession about after the trial was over, he kept going. Speaking in detail how he would blow off school, his parents, music, all in favor of getting high and getting laid. He even revealed his dealings of the drugs he had so relied upon, but being the pompous little rich boy he was, saw the money coming in from that as chump change, so he'd given that up.

He realized that he was just rambling on and on, revealing every stupid, misguided move he had made, and that Bella was sitting right beside him on the floor.

He looked up and saw her through the blur of his tears that her face was pale white and full of remorse. This was it. She was going to put an end to it, to them. She was going to tell him she wanted nothing to do with him anymore, that she should have trusted her first instincts and run far, far away from him and his dirty past. Because she now knew he was no good for her.

And he felt vulnerable and weak, sitting there with her. Never opening up to hardly anyone that mattered to him and then to all of a sudden lay all of his shit out there for her to see and witness…she must be getting ready to leave him with his issues, like she should have done at the very beginning.

He felt her hand on his back and he crumbled. He leaned his body over and rested his head on her shoulder and cried. He cried for the young and hopeful fifteen year old who had been so misguided, he cried for the past few years he had wasted. He cried because Bella wasn't gone.

Her arms came all the way around him and she rested her head on top of his and rubbed her hands down his back as the gasping sobs wracked his body.

"I am so sorry." She whispered into his hair, running her fingers through the bronze locks, trying to soothe him even more.

She was staying, she was still with him, trying to comfort him with gentle hands and soft words whispered into the otherwise silent room.

They remained like that for a few more minutes while Edward got control of himself. He lifted his head and looked at her through the bleariness of his vision, and he saw she was crying silent tears. Tears for him.

"Why?" He knew she would understand what he was asking.

"Edward," She looked down at their hands that had clasped together tightly. "The last feeling my mother ever experienced was this overwhelming sense of loss. Her heart was broken, just like the rest of her." Her eyes lifted back up to his and she held his gaze. "I never want us to feel that. And knowing that you already have…" Her head shook back and forth and she brought their hands up to her face and she kissed his knuckles.

Edward brought her body back to his and held her to him, burying his face in her hair and breathing deeply. As they sat holding each other, Edward felt the last piece fall into place. The piece that had been missing, the hardest to find. The most broken and jagged piece that Bella had been able to single handedly repair. It was soft and in every way breakable, but was gaining strength with every beat.

They just sat, wrapped up in the other as the sun filtered in through the windows, illuminating a new day.

* * *

**Author's Note: **I was really worried on some of the reviews I got. Some of you didn't even know the last name Dwyer belonged to Phil in the series. Google Twilight Characters and its it make sense now?I'm sorry if some of you were hoping for some drama when Edward told Bella, but I thought they've had quite enough of that.

Also, I will be keeping my little poll open for the next few days, but I've pretty much made my decision when it concerns that question. I want to say thanks to everyone who took the time to vote and you all helped me decide.

Well, please review! I'm still a little bit nervous about how this chapter will be received so please review. Thanks for reading this ridiculously long chapter!


	18. Chapter Seventeen

**Healing**

_**Chapter Seventeen**_

Over the next two weeks, Bella and Edward stayed as close to each other as they could. Other than the few hours every night when they were separated by sleep, one was always near or close by where ever the other was.

They talked only to each other about the events of those two days, their dark days. Bella would never repeat a word of what Edward had told her because it wasn't her place. She knew Edward had entrusted her with one of the darkest and most protected areas of his past and that wasn't something she took lightly. She would guard that vulnerable and broken side of him forever if he let her.

Edward too never spoke of what Bella had revealed to him. He understood her anger and sorrow over the mistakes of her mother and he was trying with everything he had to keep her from succumbing to it. He knew the ramifications of letting the anger build and build over time. It only brought more hurt than was necessary. He wanted to protect her and shield her from that forever if she let him.

But their time was running out. In a few short days, Edward would be out of her life once again. Now that she knew what it was like to have him in her life, Bella didn't know if she would be able to handle it. She knew it was rash and impulsive, but she had to do something, anything.

"Please Alice?" Bella asked in a hushed tone, looking imploringly at her roommate. "I promise we'll leave your side of the room completely alone. We won't touch anything or use anything…we won't even look at anything on your side." Bella was begging but this was important to her.

Alice looked at Bella with sad and reproachful eyes. Bella didn't back down from her stare. She knew Alice didn't agree with Bella's decision, probably thinking it was some desperate attempt to keep Edward from leaving, but she would still support her when it came down to it.

"Bella…" Alice said softly. "Are you sure?" Her eyes were boring into Bella's, but she didn't flinch or lower them. She was sure.

"Yes." Of course she was nervous, but she wanted this more.

Alice sighed, resigned. "Okay then. Let's go talk to Rosalie."

And they walked to the sitting area and pulled her away from Emmett, saying they needed some 'girl time' or whatever the hell it was. They went to Rosalie's room and sat on the rug on her floor.

Alice explained what Bella was asking of them. During it, Bella pleaded with Rosalie with her eyes, trying to get her to see how important this was to her.

Rosalie looked at Bella with questioning eyes. "So let me get this straight. You want Alice," and she pointed at Alice, "to come here," and she pointed to the floor of her room, "while Edward goes to your room," and she pointed at Bella, "so you can have sex with him?"

"Don't forget it's her first time." Alice supplied.

Rosalie's eyes widened sarcastically at Bella. "That's right. First time in a mental hospital, I can see the raunchy romance novel cover now."

"Will you guys be nice please? He's leaving tomorrow." Bella didn't know why they couldn't understand her position on this.

"Which is the ultimate flaw in this little plan of yours." Rosalie said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world while Alice nodded her head in agreement.

"Rosalie," Bella widened her eyes, full of pleas for her to agree to this. "Please?" She said it so softly and desperately.

Rosalie pursed her lips, in complete opposition to this, but she sighed and closed her eyes. "Alright. Fine. I can talk to Marcy and just ask for her to up the dosage on my sleep meds. Alice," she pointed at Alice again, "you come straight here after bed checks at 10:30. Bring something heavy if you can."

She looked back at Bella, with a bit of disappointment in her eyes, but she accepted it on behalf of Bella. "Does Edward know about what you're planning for him?"

Bella felt her cheeks blush. "No. I just told him to come to my room tonight."

Rosalie nodded her head and stood from her spot on the rug. She went over to her bedside table and opened the drawer. She fished around for a couple of seconds and then brought out a roll of plastic packages and walked back over to Alice and Bella.

"How many do you think you'll need?" And she started unrolling a couple of the wrapped condoms, making Bella's eyes widen and her cheeks flame even more.

"Um…just…just one." Rosalie ripped one off the roll and gave it Bella who examined it, turning it over in her hand to read the writing on the package and then stuffing it in her back pocket.

"How did you get those?" Bella asked.

Rosalie shrugged. "Emmett. He has some in his room, I have some in mine."

Bella felt indignant for a moment, remembering Rosalie's words from earlier. "So it's okay for you two to have sex in a mental hospital, but not me? That is such a double standard." She said angrily.

Rosalie just smiled. "Ah, but you forget Bella. My first time wasn't here."

And Bella looked down at the floor, embarrassed.

o-0-o

"So, it's tomorrow hmm?"

Edward locked eyes with Marcy and nodded. He was smiling at the thought of finally being free, but then he thought of the cost. He would be separated from Bella for he didn't know how long. She wasn't ready to leave the hospital yet and they went to separate schools in separate districts. He had been trying to find a loophole anywhere that would allow them more time together when they were both on the outside, but so far it was looking bleak.

"How do you feel Edward?"

Edward took a deep breath and exhaled loudly. "It's surreal. Everything I expected to feel when this point finally came is completely reversed."

"How so?"

"I never ever expected to be okay. Not happy…I don't think happiness is something I'll get for awhile. But I'm okay. I feel like it's time to finally move forward…" He trailed off when thoughts of Bella returned to him.

Marcy regarded him with a sad smile. "But you're wondering if you'll be okay without Bella? Are you wondering if maybe she's the source of these feelings?"

Edward met her eyes and nodded. That was what he was afraid of. That he had become so wrapped up in Bella that when he was alone, by himself, he wouldn't be able to keep it up.

"You did it all by yourself Edward. I gave you the tools necessary to open up, but you put yourself out there all by yourself. You can stand on your own and be okay by yourself. And you know that Bella will be with you when the time is right for her."

Edward nodded his head at her words. Of course she was right. And he was right in knowing it was his time to leave this place.

"Well," Marcy clicked her pen and shut his file. "Everything is set for your transfer. I lined up one of my very good friends and colleagues to continue your weekly therapy in Phoenix. She's exactly like me, so you two should get along just fine." And she smiled and rolled her eyes while Edward laughed.

She stood from her chair and he stood from the couch.

"It's been a pleasure Edward." And she stepped forward and enveloped him in a hug. He hugged back, trying to thank her for all she had done for him without words.

o-0-o

Edward sat on the edge of his bed every so often glancing at the clock. The minute hand was slowly inching its way towards the six and it seemed like it was taking forever. When Bella had asked him this morning if he would go to her room that night, his last night, he immediately knew what she wanted them to do. What she wanted him to do. And all day he had been in a state of nervous excitement. Of course he wanted to make love with Bella; he'd be an idiot not to. He wanted to show her, in the physical act, just how much he adored her, just how much he wanted her, just how much he loved her.

But when he had gone back to his room a couple of hours ago to make sure he had everything packed and ready to go the next morning, the reality of what they were about to do set in. He was leaving. After tomorrow morning, he probably wouldn't see her for a few weeks, months at the most. He didn't want to leave her with memories of their first time and then go without talking to her, making her think and feel like it was just some cheap, farewell one night stand.

When 10:30 finally came, he dove under his bed covers and waited for the nurse on duty to check his room. He made his body still as he heard the door open and saw behind his eyelids the light filter the room. After a few seconds, the door closed again and Edward relaxed under his covers, waiting five minutes or so until he moved out his bed.

He didn't bother with his shoes, only wearing his jeans and blue button down shirt, cuffs rolled up to his elbows.

He poked his head out into the hallway and looked both ways before stepping out and closing the door softly behind him. He crept silently down the hall towards Bella's room and coming at the fork in the hallway, he paused again and checked both ways. He saw the back of Alice's body as she entered Rosalie's room and shut the door. They were all clear.

Walking to her door, he tried to stamp down the nerves and told himself that he could do this. Because he wanted to, more than anything. He wanted to be able to hold her body without the barriers of clothes and worship her the way she deserved. He wanted to learn how to be gentle with her and loving with her in a whole new way than what he previously knew.

He stopped just outside her door and took a deep breath, calming his nerves and raging hormones. It wouldn't do to jump her right when she opened the door.

He brought his hand up and knocked softly. When Bella opened the door, his breath caught. She was a vision in cotton pajamas. A blue tank top and matching shorts adorned her body, showing off her legs and arms. Her hair curled and hung down her back and shoulders in waves and he ached to touch her.

She quickly ushered him inside and he noticed the only light coming in to the room was from the moonlight outside. The door closed and he heard the click of the lock and silently gulped. He could do this.

"I was afraid you wouldn't show up." She said softly.

He turned to look at her and smiled gently. He stepped towards her and she came willingly into his arms. He ran his hands through her hair and down her back.

"The only person I want to be with tonight is you." He whispered into her hair, trying to push away the feelings and thoughts that this was wrong, that it was too soon.

He felt her smile into his chest and her arms tightened around him.

He suddenly became very aware of her breathing, how when she took a breath, her chest popped out and connected with his for brief seconds, how her arms seemed to mold around his back, how her legs stood in close proximity to his, how her scent tickled his senses and made him dizzy.

He felt her lips press a gentle kiss onto his neck and his eyes closed as the familiar tingles only Bella's touch could elicit coursed through his veins. Her lips moved gently over his neck and the underside of his jaw as her fingers trailed over his back. He tilted his head and captured her lips in a gentle kiss.

He opened his mouth and ran his tongue over her bottom lip and as she gasped, he slowly plunged his tongue inside, tasting her. She moaned softly into his mouth and the sound went straight down his body, stimulating the already awakened parts of his anatomy.

Bella started moving them backwards towards her bed and that's when the warning bells started going off in his head. They were really about to do this. He was really about to make love to Bella for the first time. For her first time.

Her first time.

It was that thought that made his lips move away from hers and his head lowered as he tried to get a hold of himself. He took a deep breath as he mentally shook himself. He could do this. He wanted to do this. He knew how to do this. He knew from many years of experience what worked and what didn't work, what was liked and disliked. He knew he could make this good, for the both of them.

Bella lifted herself on her tip toes and placed another searing kiss on his lips before stepping back and lifting the tank top of her body and letting it fall to the floor.

Her pale skin glowed in the moonlight and the lace of her bra seemed to call to Edward's eyes. And hands.

She backed up slowly and when the backs of her knees hit the mattress, she lowered herself and sat down, waiting for him to come to her.

He took a deep breath and his eyes shifted around the room for a couple of seconds. He saw some of her clothes in a pile on the floor, books piled against the wall in disorder, and when he shifted back to Bella on the bed, his eye caught something glint in the moonlight off to the side. Shifting his eyes to whatever it was he saw the small square shape of something he hadn't been in contact with for awhile. A condom.

Edward's eyes closed and he sighed. She had really thought this out and taken great lengths to make this happen.

She was looking at him with nervous eyes and he slowly walked towards her, beginning to unbutton his shirt from the top down. When he reached her where she was sitting, he made his decision.

Taking his shirt off, he gently and slowly placed it around her shoulders, covering her from his view. His eyes closed and his body itched to undo his action, but it was the right thing to do. The right thing for them. The right thing for her.

He felt Bella freeze underneath his hands as he straightened out the shirt on her, buttoning up the top buttons and lowering himself down to his knees in front of her. He finished buttoning the shirt all the while pleading with his eyes for her to understand.

When he was finished covering her, he leaned in and placed a lingering kiss on her forehead.

"I can't." The pain he felt at whispering those words was nothing compared to the pain he saw in her eyes.

She closed her eyes and her face scrunched up, looking like she was about to cry. Edward cupped her face and saw it as a good sign when she didn't pull away.

She was breathing harshly through her mouth and there was moisture in her eyes when she opened them to look at him, breaking his heart further for having hurt her.

"You don't want me." She said it like a statement which both confused and angered Edward.

"Don't ever say that. Of course I want you. I want all of you." He held her face in his hands making her look at him. "When the time is right."

"But it's right." She pleaded with him. "I want this. With you."

He smiled at her and placed a kiss on her cheek. "I know we're right. And I want this, believe me I do. But Bella, I don't want you to feel like this is something you have to do to keep me. I'm yours. Trust me when I tell you that I belong to you, with you. You don't have to do this to prove something to me. Or to yourself."

She looked at him with watery eyes and then she launched herself at him, arms coming around his bare shoulders, crying into his skin. He placed his arms underneath her legs and gently lifted her into his arms and moved them further up the bed towards her pillows.

He laid her against them gently and moved his arms up to her back to soothe her.

"I don't want you to leave." She whispered brokenly into his shoulder.

His eyes closed and he laid his head on top of hers. "No more than I want to leave. But it's time."

She continued crying and he held her. He placed a finger under her chin and lifted her face to meet his.

"I'll wait for you. I promise."

She smiled at him through her tears and he lowered his lips to hers and they both sighed as the bliss overtook them.

And they lay there, letting the hours of the night slip away, just holding each other. With lips they kissed fingertips and cheeks and eyelids and noses. They whispered words of assurance to each other in the waning moonlight and wrapped their legs together as tightly as they could.

Edward memorized her face and the way she smelled while Bella memorized the softness of his hair and the intensity of his eyes. She ran her hands down his arms, over his chest and face. He likewise ran his palms and fingers over her neck and back, through her hair.

They were loving each other. Not with the final physical act of love, but with a devotion so intense that they may as well have been making love.

And Edward hummed the melody that belonged to her to help her fall into sleep in the wee hours of the morning.

But he did not sleep. He watched her, content in the knowledge that he could hold her like this. Continuing with his memorization of her. Every rise of her chest, every movement of her body as she shifted in sleep. Her face remained peaceful and he hoped she would be at peace for their separation.

o-0-o

"_Goodnight! Goodnight! Parting is such sweet sorrow_

_That I shall say goodnight 'til it be morrow." – Shakespeare. 'Romeo and Juliet'_

o-0-o

Bella awoke to the sun shining. Her eyes cracked open and her face was towards the window. She reached a hand out for Edward, but all her hand encountered was cold sheets.

Sitting up straight in her bed, she began panicking. Looking down at her body, she realized she was still wearing Edward's shirt from last night.

She threw herself out of bed and grabbed the pair of jeans that she had left on the floor yesterday and stuffed her legs into them, frantic in her hurry to not be too late to say goodbye to him.

She threw her hair back into a low ponytail and stuffed her feet into a pair of shoes she barely saw through her frenzy.

Throwing the door open she stopped short. Her heart was thudding painfully in her chest and she caught her breath as she looked at him.

He was waiting for her just like every other morning.

Except today, he had a duffel bag with him.

And her heart started breaking.

He was looking at her with such a calm expression that he took her breath away.

"I like my clothes on you." Edward said, his eyes travelling down her body. Bella couldn't even blush, not when he was standing there ready to leave her.

He stepped forward and reached for her hand bringing it up to place a lingering kiss on. Then he placed his arm gently around her waist and began leading her to the stairs.

"Did you say goodbye to the others?" She asked softly looking up at him.

Edward smiled fondly. "Yeah. I'll definitely be keeping in touch with them."

They had reached the bottom floor and they turned down the long hallway where at the end, Bella could see Edward's parents looking perfect, waiting for their son.

Her heart began breaking at a faster rate, knowing in just a matter of minutes his arm around her waist would be gone, his green eyes looking at her would be gone, his smile, his words, his tenderness and fire would all be gone. And she felt empty.

They walked along the hallway in silence, Bella keeping her eyes locked in front of her. Esme, Edward's mother was smiling softly at them with a bit of worry on her face. Carlisle, his arm around Esme's shoulders, smiled at them too.

Through the hurt of what was about to happen, she did feel the slightest bit of hope. His parents accepted her.

She stopped walking when she had reached the line that patients could no longer pass. Edward squeezed her hand and moved forward, embracing his mother when he reached them. He spoke to his parents for a few seconds, his father taking his bag. They headed out into the sunlight and Edward returned to her.

He took both of her hands in his and placed his forehead on hers. He looked into her eyes for what seemed like a long time, but in reality it was only a few seconds.

Bella became desperate again. "Please don't do this. I'm sorry. I promised myself I wouldn't do this, but I can't help it. Please…" She whispered, her eyes filling with tears once again. "Please don't leave."

His face filled with pain again and he bent his head and kissed her fiercely. She returned it with every fiber of her being, silently willing him to bend to her will.

He lifted his face from hers and looked into her eyes again. She saw in those green depths something that struck a cord within her. Love. And that made this harder. Because even though she desperately wanted to say the words that had been screaming to be said on the inside, she couldn't. Not like this. Not with him leaving.

His eyes swept over her face once more and he smiled at her. "Remember what I said. I'll wait for you."

And he kissed her again and began backing away from her, still facing her.

He didn't turn away from her until he had reached the door.

And then he was gone.

Bella just stood there for she didn't know how long. She vaguely felt the tears slipping from her eyes and she blinked every once in awhile to relieve the burning.

Finally, she was able to make her legs move and she turned away.

Her body felt heavy as she maneuvered towards the stairs. She made her way up slowly, not being able to see the steps in front of her but knowing they were there. When she made it to the second floor and turned to the other set of stairs that led to her room, she vaguely registered voices calling her name. They seemed to be from far away even though they were speaking right next to her.

"Bella." That must have been Alice. "Bella are you alright?"

"Alice, look at her, she's not alright. I knew last night was a mistake." Rosalie.

Her words just made Bella cry harder and the wracking sobs hurt more. She felt like there was a hole somewhere in her chest that was protesting against the rest of her body.

"Should we get Marcy?" Jasper. He sounded worried.

"No. We should get a nurse. They can sedate her." Emmett.

Bella continued on her slow trek up the stairs to the third floor.

"Do you want me to stay with Rosalie again tonight?" The softly said words triggered somewhere in Bella's mind and all she could do was give a slight nod to Alice and continue on her way.

The people she passed in the halls made no comments and tried not to stare at her.

When she reached her room, she closed the door behind her and kicked off her shoes. She hugged her arms still covered by Edward's shirt to her body and made her feet move her to the bed.

She lowered her shaking body to the mattress and cried into her pillow that still smelled like him. She brought the collar of the shirt to her nose and inhaled for as long as she could.

"_Let go. I had it first… What are you drawing? It's not stupid… It's how it looked in my mind… Blooming… So you admit this is something? Come with me. It's all in the leading… Just look at me. I promise I'm just as scared as you. The way you blush… You're the reason. Boy who hated everyone, girl who trusted no one… Can I carry your books? My…boyfriend. Dartmouth. Strawberry. Vanilla. I never want us to feel that… I'll wait for you._

_I'll wait for you…"_

And Bella was sobbing into her pillow as her mind went over every detail, every memory.

* * *

**Author's Note:** ~sigh~ I was going to. I swear I was going to write a love-making scene, but I couldn't do it. It just didn't feel right at this point in the story. Plus with the shit I just pulled, I don't think Bella would have appreciated another blow. Please don't hate me. Trust me; it was just as hard to write as it was hard for you to read. No quotes at the beginning like regular because as Jacob so wisely said in Breaking Dawn, there are no words for this.

Please leave a review.


	19. Chapter Eighteen

**Author's Note: **This is a short update. I know I have to fix what I did in the last chapter, but let me do it in my own time. Also, sorry for not updating for a couple of days, but I checked my documents and I updated five times last week, three of them right after the other. I thought that deserved a little breaky-break.

**Shout Outs: **Because I'm forgetful, I didn't do this in the last chapter. _Perfect Strangers, _coauthored by twilight-is-lovee and Jamillia, is the type of story I don't usually read. But twilight-is-lovee kept leaving me review after funny review, so I checked out her stuff. It's actually really full of plot and the drama. They talk about Starbucks a lot, love at first sight and even had the decency to put Jacob, drunk, in a ditch. It put me in stitches, I was laughing so hard at the genius of it all. So go read it, you may like it too. Don't forget to review, twilight-is-lovee gets off on the reviews!

Also, now that I'm on a roll, you should check out _Let the World Spin Madly On _by theskyisyours (periods in between the words...document won't let me do it!) Edward is emotionally stunted after the death of his mother and he meets Bella in the hospital Carlisle works at after she had an accident. I'm not very good at summarizing it, but so far what I've read has been really good. It deserves a wider audience.

* * *

**Healing**

"_Parting is all we know of heaven_

_And all we need of hell." – Emily Dickinson_

"_There is a magnet in your heart that will attract true friends. That magnet is unselfish, thinking of others first…when you learn to live for others, they will live for you." – Paramahansa Yogananda _**(real name I swear!)**

_**Chapter Eighteen**_

From the second Edward sat in the backseat of his dad's car, he wanted to run right back out. He knew it was right; it was his time to leave the hospital behind. But he was leaving something, someone, more important behind. And he wasn't ready for that.

All the way from Tucson back to his home in Scottsdale, he'd listened with half his attention to his parent's conversation of what things had changed around the house, around the neighborhood and they gave more detailed descriptions of what his accelerated summer school classes would be like. But mostly his thoughts were on Bella and the heartbroken look she had on her face right before he stepped out the door. But she had to believe him that he would be waiting for her.

When they pulled up to his house, he gazed up at the large white airy structure that he hadn't seen in almost five months. It felt good being home.

He went up the stairs with his bag in hand and turned down the long hallway to his room.

Entering, he grimaced. His mother had held true to his last angry request that she stay the hell out of his room because everything was exactly as he'd left it. Clothes strewn on the floor, cds and dvds all over the place, discarded lighters on his dressers and table tops, even a few discarded condom wrappers from his more defiant periods a few months ago.

He had once looked upon his room as his one place of solace.

Now he looked at it with disgust.

How it must have hurt both his parents to come home and smell the pot wafting through the vents, or to meet one his bitchy conquests on the stairs as she left the house.

He sighed and shook his head as he set his bag down on the chair at his desk and got to work. He picked up every piece of trash, every lighter, every disgusting thing that he had found amusing and tossed it. Grabbing the piles of old clothes, he threw them in the hamper to be washed and then he would take them to Good Will. He didn't want them anymore.

And then he went to find his parents.

They were both in the kitchen talking quietly when he entered. His mother was tossing a salad in a large wooden bowl while his father was chopping vegetables to be added to it.

They looked up when Edward entered.

He hesitated for a second. "Can you guys come upstairs with me for a second?"

They dropped what they were doing and followed Edward up the stairs and to his room.

They hesitated at the doorway which just made Edward feel worse. "It's okay. You can come in."

Once they had entered, Edward took a deep breath and went to his closet. Opening the door wide enough so they Carlisle and Esme would be able to see what he was doing, Edward reached to the very back and took away one of the loose boards.

"You guys always wondered where I kept my stash. Here's one place." And he brought out a small, dusty plastic bag of cocaine.

He stepped away from his closet and set the bag on his dresser. Then he went under his desk and took the loose floor board away revealing another dusty bag full of marijuana.

Setting that next to the cocaine on the dresser, he grabbed his desk chair and brought it to the middle of the room. Standing on top of it, he reached into the porcelain piece of the overhead fan/light combination and dug out two medium sized bottles of Everclear and Jack Daniels'.

He set them on top of the dresser as well and then set his desk chair back.

He turned to Carlisle and Esme and saw the sad and disappointed looks on their faces.

"I'm sorry." He said quietly and sincerely.

Esme turned to him and smiled sadly. "We know. It's just that…" She looked back at the items on the dresser. "Edward…" She breathed. "You could have hurt yourself. _Really _hurt yourself."

"I know." He was disappointed with himself for the trouble and worry he had caused them. "I know you're disappointed in me."

"Not in you." Edward's eyes snapped to his father's face and he was confused.

Carlisle sighed. "Sit down Edward."

Edward sat at his desk while his parents sat across from his on his bed. His father grabbed his mother's hand and they shared a look.

"Edward, the only thing you're mother and I were disappointed in was that you didn't feel you could come to us. You didn't trust us to help you. Or protect you like we would have. And what was worse for both of us is that you didn't want our help. Also, yes," He indicated to the drugs on his dresser, "we are disappointed in the actions you took, but never in you."

Edward frowned and thought back to when all the madness was going on. "You always seemed so angry with me though." He looked back at Carlisle.

"The only person I was ever angry with was that woman. Never with you. And of course, I was angry with myself for not seeing it."

"I didn't want you to see it." Edward murmured.

"We know." His mother said. "But we have never blamed you Edward. For any of it."

And he knew that now. He hadn't then because he hadn't wanted to believe that his parents could be so forgiving. He wanted to believe they held some form of anger or resentment towards him…but they didn't.

Esme stood from his bed and walked towards him and he stood also as her arms came around. He would never tire of her hugs. For so long he had refused them, but now they were welcoming.

He bent his head next to his mothers and looked at Carlisle who had stood as well.

"You're our son," Carlisle said. "And we love you."

And Edward finally believed them.

o-0-o

Alice would lay out an outfit for Bella every morning. Jasper taught her how to hold her own around the chess board. Rosalie gave her pointers on how to make her truck run, even offering to fix it once they were out. Emmett would give her piggybacks outside in the courtyard while he was running, claiming the extra weight helped improve his endurance.

Operation Distract Bella was underway.

And it worked…part of the time. Edward would send her an email every night telling her about the events of his day and she would respond in kind, but there was something…missing. It just didn't feel right talking to him and not being able to see him. She missed the way his eyes would narrow with mischief when she was telling him something, or how his facial expressions changed as he spoke to her. The way his eyes would lighten and darken according to his moods. The almost graceful movements of his hands when he was emphasizing his points. They were missing. _He_ was missing.

After emailing him back, Bella would walk up to her room alone. She would get herself ready for bed and then go under her covers and clutch at the blue shirt Edward had left with her. While she was waiting for sleep, her mind would sweep her away to a place where Edward hadn't put a stop to what could have happened on his last night.

And in the darkness her cheeks would blush, her eyes would feel heavy with lust and the arousal aches sounded throughout her body.

During the day, when her friends weren't in Operation Distract Bella mode, and her mind was unoccupied, she would have something akin to a hallucination about him. He would be sitting next to her on the couch playing with her hair, grimacing at her choice of book, whispering in her ear when she was walking in the halls. It was Edward, but it wasn't at the same time. Something would be off though, the color of his eyes wouldn't be as intense, the nuance of his voice would be different, the wave of his hair somehow altered.

Her mind would supply her with things only Edward would say though, so in a way, these hallucinations helped her.

And her friends did try. Honestly, they did. And she loved them all the more for it.

Bella was sitting in the sitting area watching quietly as Rosalie and Emmett bantered back and forth over who could build the best house of cards, using the whole deck, when she felt the couch dip.

She momentarily felt the rush of excitement and expectation, thinking it was Edward sitting next to her like he always did. She tried not to let the disappointment show when she only saw Jasper.

He smiled comfortingly at her. "How are you Bella?"

She lowered her eyes to her lap. She had never really had a full conversation with Jasper, just the occasional few sentences when they had a group session or at their meals. Never just the two of them, the other four, now three, always there to pick up the slack in the conversation.

And perhaps that's what made Bella want to talk to him more than anyone else.

"I've been better." She said quietly, eyes still on her lap.

"Don't let Alice hear you talk like that." He said giving a surreptitious glance behind them. "She'll only take it upon herself to try and do more for you."

Bella sighed, her shoulders slumping. "She lays out my goddamn clothes, makes sure I'm eating something from every fucking group on the food pyramid, keeps my hands busy with stupid games and at the end of the day…" she paused for a breath, "it just hurts even more."

Jasper smiled fondly. "That's Alice for you."

And then he looked at Rosalie and Emmett, still smiling. "Did you know that I was the first one of our little group to come here?" He glanced at her and Bella nodded.

"Yeah. I was pretty messed up and at first they kept me in a 'safe room' so I wouldn't hurt myself." His eyes seemed sad at his memory.

"Alice calls you her little vampire."

Jasper smiled and laughed softly. "Yeah I know. She finds my condition…romantic I guess. I don't even know why."

And then his eyes got this far away painful look about them. "I wasn't always like this you know?" He said looking at Bella again. "I don't really remember myself when I was younger, but I like to think that I didn't want to drink blood every second. All I can really remember is that scraping my knees or getting paper cuts never bothered me. My blood tasted sweet and…invigorating. I thought I was perfectly normal; lots of kids, when they get a little cut or scrape just lick it and it's all better. But then, I would do it on purpose. For some reason it just felt good. Marcy says it's like a power trip for me. That's why it's called vampirism – it revitalized me." He looked at her face to see that she understood him.

At her nod, he continued. "I was able to hide it until about a year ago. I was in my Biology class and we were dissecting that day. I could see the girl next to me, preparing all of her tools, putting on her gloves and then she picked up the scalpel…and sliced right through her glove. She punctured the skin and I don't even remember how it happened. I was standing next to her with my gloves on ready to cut and then I'm holding her down, drinking from the wound. They pulled me off her before I could really even get a good taste, but the damage had already been done. I was taken here."

"Why are you telling me this?"

Jasper looked like he was trying to grasp the right words to say. "Because I was all alone Bella. When I was brought here, I was alone. You don't have to be. We're here and we want you to not feel like that."

Bella sighed and began picking at her sleeves again.

Jasper followed the movements of her fingers. "You haven't lifted your sleeves in a while."

Bella just shook her head.

"That wasn't just a test for you." He said.

Her eyes snapped to his face. He was smiling again. "When Marcy had you lifting your sleeves when you made a cut, it wasn't just for you. She was testing me as well. To see how well I could withstand the sight of your scars and the newest ones, still red with your blood. It was for both of our benefits."

Bella's eyes were wide as she processed that.

"Also, for Alice's benefit, I guess. Marcy wanted Alice to project her overwhelming sense of control for her food intake on something else. And Alice chose me. Marcy was able to help Alice stop worrying long enough on whether she was skinny enough or eating too much so she could focus on helping me and then on protecting you from me."

Jasper looked at the incredulous look on Bella's face. "Don't look so surprised. We warned you she had an evil little process, although, it's turned out to do more good than evil."

He leaned back on the couch and stretched an arm across the back. He looked at Bella with all the seriousness in the world.

"We're all connected Bella. We're all helping each other in our own subconscious ways. Take Emmett and Rosalie." He pointed to the two who were sitting side by side on the floor, legs spread out in front of them, seeing who could touch their toes the longest.

"Rosalie came here one of the angriest girls I'd ever met. Emmett came after her and he didn't step down when he met her. He didn't let her just yell and scream at him and then walk away. He dished it back. He gave as well as he received. Oddly, Rosalie likes that, and it's helped calm both of them down."

He turned his eyes back to Bella. "What I'm trying to say, is that you're not alone. We don't want you to be. We'll all help you in any way you want us to. But you haven't been talking to us Bella. You haven't told us how. So, we just make it up as we go along."

Bella felt her cheeks blush a dull pink color and her eyes lowered again. He was right. She wasn't letting them help her because she had only thought Edward could be the person to do that. He had already done so much, and Bella just fell into the expectation that he would continue to do that.

She felt Jasper brush her arm and she looked up. He was smiling mischievously.

He had his arm outstretched, fingers at the sleeve. She looked at him in confusion.

"I told you I sometimes did it to myself." He waggled his eyebrows. "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours."

And then Bella was laughing. And it felt good to laugh.

She grasped the sleeve of her shirt and extended her arm, keeping her eyes on Jasper.

"One…" She sent him a challenging stare.

"Two…" He narrowed his eyes at her.

"Three."

And they both shot the sleeves of their shirts up their arms, revealing the lines marring their skin.

And then Jasper had a lapful of Alice, his arms wrapped around her and Rosalie and Emmett had come over to join them. They began talking about music and movies and food and magazines and how Rosalie stubbed her toe that morning making Emmett bust out in laughter saying she pulled a Bella. And Bella grabbed a throw pillow and threw it at him as hard as she could, but he still caught it anyway. And Jasper played with the ends of Alice's short hair, and Emmett sat in front of Bella demanding she do the same with his. Rosalie went to her room and got colors of nail polish and began painting Bella's nails with Alice commentating on what they could get up to tomorrow. She started telling Bella about the clothes she would pick out for her once they got back to their room. And Emmett was asking Jasper why his roommate never picks out his clothes and Rosalie was slapping him on the backside of his head. And then Emmett was tickling her and she spilled nail polish all over the carpet and began cursing so loudly she alerted a nurse who came running down the hall, yelling at them. And then Jasper had Alice on his back while Rosalie was grabbing her hand so she wouldn't fall and they were running for the stairs to get up to Rosalie's room.

And Bella didn't feel so alone anymore.

* * *

**Author's Note: **You guys know the drill. Leave a review and I'll love you forever!


	20. Chapter Nineteen

**Author's Note: **I apologize right now. And I warn you, this chapter is NOT some of my best work**.** I like some parts, but then others I'm just all bleh about. I seriously have been writing this since I posted the last chapter last week, but last week was just not my week. I won't go into details but just know there was a reason I couldn't update or concentrate and that's why this chapter is the epitome of a filler chapter.

I hope its okay. I didn't want to just have one chapter showing Edward and Bella apart, hence the term filler. Don't worry though; they will be together again soon.

**Shout Outs: **Since you guys seemed to like the others I put up in the last chapter, I have some more stories I think you would like. _In Another Life, _by the-glory-days, is a really beautiful story. I don't remember how I stumbled across it, but I really am glad I did. If you like movies like Just Like Heaven and The Invisible, then you will also like this story. Edward and Bella have gone to school together, but never really interacted before. Now though, he died mysteriously and Bella is the only one who can see his ghost. And she begins to help him figure out why. Again, I'm no good at summarizing other people's work, but you should go check it out. It follows the story line of Twilight in really interesting ways.

Also, for the smut fans, I came across an entry for the Dirty Talking Edward contest held by Isabel0329, LeechLover85, and , called _Change of Underwear, _written by hammondgirl. Reading this one shot, my face was like this…O.O

It lives up to its title and all I can say for a summary would be…it's always the quiet ones!

* * *

**Healing**

"_Trouble is a part of your life, and if you don't share it, you don't give the person who loves you a chance to love you enough." – Dinah Shore_

"_Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." – Albert Einstein_

"_Few people can be happy unless they hate some other person, nation, or creed." – Bertrand Russell_

_**Chapter Nineteen**_

_I always feel stupid trying to write these to you. I can't see you or hear you or feel you. It's like I'm talking to an invisible force that I don't want to talk to…but I have to. Every single answer from you only brings more hope, more longing, more pain than the last. It's a beautiful sorrow actually._

_Okay._

_Sorry. No more deep shit that neither of us need right now. I talked to my dad about you. He's calmed down quite a bit about our relationship now that he knows how much you've helped me. He actually wants to meet you…without me. Don't worry. He promised backwards and forwards that he wouldn't do anything or say anything stupid. _

_Emmett, Jasper, Alice and Rosalie say hi. They're all doing really well. Some nurse chased us up the stairs the other day and Emmett and Rosalie were calling her names the whole way. _

_I miss you. Bella._

Edward's eyes closed as he read the last of Bella's email. She was holding back and purposely switching to other topics or people whenever she wanted to say something. It was hard on him too. This separation. He knew he was just going through the motions; getting up every morning, eating, brushing his teeth and hair, going to his summer classes, driving, talking…breathing. He could feel his lungs fill up, the air whooshing through his nose or mouth, keeping his heart beating. But he wasn't _breathing. _He wasn't with Bella…and he couldn't breathe.

He sighed harshly, clicking his computer monitor off and standing from his desk. He ran a hand through his hair as he left his room and walked down the hall to the stairs.

His classes were going fine. He was making up the missed credits with a flourish that made some of his classmates jealous. But Edward didn't give a shit. He was just trying to get his life together.

Reaching the bottom of the stairs, he turned towards the kitchen and went to the large fridge and grabbed an apple. Taking a bite, he turned and saw his mother sitting at the table with a cup of coffee and the paper.

She smiled at him and he went to it on the opposite side of the table.

Esme observed Edward and stirred her coffee. "How's Bella?" She asked quietly, bringing the cup up to her mouth and taking a sip.

She saw Edward's entire face change. She saw sadness, joy, pain, love. He probably wasn't even aware at how much he was showing her with just those two words.

He didn't say anything, just toying with the red skin of his apple.

Esme placed her cup on the table and looked up at Edward through her lashes. "I gather by your silence that she's probably no better than you."

A wry smile came onto his face and he bit out a laugh that was anything but happy. Esme was sad. This Edward who sat in front of her was and was not the person she imagined coming home from that hospital. He was better. He was so much better than when they dropped him off there. But at the same time, he was much worse.

"Maybe we could arrange a visit for you. You could go down one day or maybe for a weekend. I could call Dr. Thatcher; maybe she can set it up." She said with a hopeful enthusiasm.

Edward nodded his head. "Yeah maybe."

Esme's shoulders slumped. "You'll see her again. You will. You just have to…"

Edward's eyes snapped to her face. "Have to what? Try to move on while she's still stuck back there? What mom?" His voice held some hostility and she held up a hand to stop him.

"That's not what I was going to say. I just don't want you to be sick over her. I see your face whenever you head up to your room to check your email. I know you're anticipating the day when she'll tell you she's going to be released. But Edward, you have to realize that that may not be for a while." She said as gently as she could.

Edward's eyes closed and he sighed harshly. After a few moments he leaned across the table and grabbed her hand in his and squeezed. Relief flooded her, seeing the change in his overall disposition.

"I do know that. But I can't help it." Then he looked at the clock and rose from the table. "I have to get to school."

o-0-o

"Hey Cullen!"

Edward sighed tiredly and halted in his tracks on his way to the parking lot. He had just endured one of the most grueling lecture periods in his entire life and had to get home to prepare for the tests he had tomorrow.

Running a hand through his hair, he turned and saw the weasel form of Mike Newton coming swiftly towards him.

Edward rolled his eyes.

When Mike reached him, Edward's nostrils flared at the overwhelming smell of the pot coming off the guy.

"I heard you were let out of mad house." Edward rolled his eyes again. "And I was wondering," Mike slipped one of shoulder straps from his body and brought his backpack to the front and unzipped it, "if you wanted to reinstate our little arrangement." He leaned forward and Edward saw numerous bags of pot, cocaine and even some colorful tablets of ecstasy.

Edward stepped back and shook his head. "Nah man. I don't do that shit anymore."

Mike's eyes widened the slightest bit and then narrowed as a smile lit his face. "Yeah sure," he laughed a little bit. "Five months away and you come back totally clean. Got it. So what'll it be?" And he began fishing out some of the bags.

Edward just shook his head and turned back towards the parking lot, his eyes zeroing in on his Volvo. He heard Mike zip up his bag hurriedly and footsteps rushing to catch up with him.

"Hey!" Mike sounded angry now. "You owe me!"

Edward spun around a sneer on his face. "I don't fucking owe you anything."

"You're a popular guy. You took away five months of business. With you gone, none of your clients would buy from me. You owe me."

But Edward had already started walking to his car, silently fuming and clenching his fists.

He heard Mike approaching again and a bitter laugh sounded behind him. "Man, is the sex that good? Maybe I should get locked up too, I hear those lunatic girls do some crazy shit in bed."

And that's when Edward lost it. Because even though Mike had no idea who he was talking about, three faces filled Edward's mind. Rosalie, Alice and Bella. Bella's was the strongest of course.

Edward felt his bag slip from his shoulders and he had Mike slammed up against the side of his car in five seconds. And Edward realized he wasn't some fifteen year old little shit, who had no idea what he was trying to protect. Now, his love for Bella and the fierce need to protect her from assholes like Mike Newton were the driving forces behind his fists.

o-0-o

Edward readjusted the ice pack over his knuckles as he watched Carlisle pace in front of him. He felt sorry for angering and worrying his parents over his little fight, but he wouldn't apologize. He knew he had done the right thing.

"I thought we were past all of this Edward." His mother spoke from an arm chair across from him.

"He went too far." Edward said quietly from his spot on the couch, numbing his hand.

"The principal said that his bag was crawling with drugs." Carlisle said turning to face Edward, hands on his hips. "Were you buying?"

"No. He was pushing for it and he pushed too hard."

Carlisle observed Edward and their eyes met. After a few moments, Carlisle nodded his head. "Did you kick his ass?"

Edward laughed and just nodded his head seeing the horrified look on his mother's face.

Carlisle laughed with him and sat down next Esme. "Well, I didn't think it was possible, but you got yourself expelled from summer school."

Edward scowled and threw his ice pack down. "I only made up half of what I need though."

"Well, maybe you can take some winter classes or take eight periods instead of seven this year."

Edward nodded his head and sat back on the couch, his mind going back to Bella.

o-0-o

Bella's attention was sharply taken away from her book when she heard a tray hit the table top hard. She looked up and saw Rosalie sitting down across from her with a bright beaming smile on her face.

Rosalie sighed happily and grabbed a napkin and swished it out in front of her before settling it in her lap. She picked up her fork and began eating one small happy bite at a time.

"What's up Rosalie?" Bella had an amused smile on her face.

Rosalie laughed around the food in her mouth, swallowed, and then leaned forward towards Bella.

"I'm getting out soon." She said in a sing song voice full of happiness.

Bella felt her eyes widen and she smiled. "Really? When?"

"Two weeks." And then her eyes closed and she had the biggest smile on her face as she sighed once more and began eating with gusto.

Bella sat back in her seat. "That's great. That's really great Rose."

Rosalie just laughed triumphantly again and nodded her head so enthusiastically that she was practically bouncing in her seat.

The others came to the table and shared in the latest news of Rosalie. Bella looked on with happiness for her friend, as well as sadness. It was only a matter of time before all of the rest of them followed suit and then where would that leave Bella? Sure, she didn't expect to stay there that much longer, it had already been five and a half months, but she felt immense sadness at the thought of never seeing these people again.

Emmett and Jasper already had scholarships for schools on the east coast and were set to leave right when August rolled around. Rosalie had been progressing so steadily in her therapy that she had already made plans to go with them and set up an apartment they would live in. The news of her release put those plans in action. Bella knew that once Alice had graduated, she would follow Jasper.

And being the realistic person she is, Bella knew she had no chance of getting accepted to Dartmouth. She was grudgingly turning her attention to Arizona State or NAU.

Both schools however paled in comparison to her dream. Her dream of walking onto a raised platform dressed in the black graduation gowns with the green trim of Dartmouth. Accepting that diploma and walking down the steps onto level ground and into a pair of arms belonging to the only person she would ever love. And she would stare lovingly into a pair of green eyes that matched the green trim of their gowns.

o-0-o

Bella warily kept the tiny wooden box clutched close to her body as she made her way down the steps to the first floor. She could hear the contents rattling around on the inside. It had surprised her how many of the tiny little things she had collected over the past year, but she had just bought more when the one she had currently been using lost it's sharp, smooth edge.

Walking down the hall and opening the door to Marcy's office, Bella saw Marcy waiting for her in her chair. Bella closed the door and went to sit on the couch, gently placing the wooden box on the table.

They sat there for a few moments, Bella preparing herself for what was coming.

"Open it."

Bella sighed and gingerly lifted the lid and set it next to the box.

Marcy reached forward next and tilted the box to let the contents fall out on the table. About fifteen tiny razor blades fell towards the surface, clattering and chiming. They reflected the light and Bella could see a few had dried drops of blood on them.

"Quite the collection." Marcy mused as she carefully sifted through them.

Bella just sat watching quietly as Marcy examined her weapons of choice. She would pick one up and look closely at it and then set it back down on the table moving onto another one.

Marcy called this experience 'breaking your bonds' and Bella actually thought it was a good thing. One step closer. She hadn't used the razors in over one month, but she still surrounded herself with them like a security blanket.

But Bella was coming closer and closer everyday to the realization that she didn't need them anymore. She hadn't given them a thought in weeks. Even after Edward left, she had congratulated herself for not running straight to them and taking out her sadness in that way. They had been sitting, covered, at the bottom of her drawer, collecting dust.

Marcy sat up in her seat and gestured for Bella to put them back in the box.

"Why are you still holding onto them?"

"I don't know."

"Yes you do."

Bella sighed. "They've been a big part of who I am for a long time now. It's just hard."

"But that's just it Bella. The razors are not who you are. They don't define you, but you've chosen to let them. Yes, they are apart of the grand equation of things that make up who you are, but they're not it."

Marcy picked up the wooden box and shook it lightly, listening to the rattling.

"Remember what I told you in your first session?"

Bella thought. "You said a lot of things in my first session."

Marcy smiled. "I said I wouldn't take away your cutting because I knew it was still important for you. Is it still important?"

"No." Bella was relieved to feel how right that word sounded. It was true. Finally it was true. She knew she would always feel a certain need to find a release with a razor blade, but now she knew she would chose a better way.

Marcy smiled and extended the box to Bella. "You know what I want you to do then. It doesn't have to be today or tomorrow. But soon, Bella, I'd like you to get rid of them."

o-0-o

When Bella got back to her room, she laid down on her bed facing the window. She was on her left side and closed her eyes. She stayed still for a few minutes, trying to call his image out of her memory.

He was fuzzy at first, and she never got him completely right, completely perfect the way he is in real life. But the colors were there. The pale skin, the bronze hair, the green eyes and pink lips. Every color was present.

She lay there with her eyes closed and behind her lids she saw herself the way she was on her bed. But Edward was with her lying on his side facing her. They weren't touching; they never touched when she imagined him. She would wish for it with all her might, but there must be some rule out there in the universe that prevented it.

She wished for his smile and one instantly lit his face. Her mind's eyes wandered down his body. It was all wrong. The clothing he wore was all wrong. She wished for blue and they immediately changed to dark blue jeans and a blue tee shirt.

Bella sighed in satisfaction. This was her Edward.

Her eyes went back up to his smiling face. "What do I do?" She whispered to him.

All she was met with was silence. She waited and waited for her mind to supply her with something Edward would say to her.

"You do this for you. No one else." His voice was off as it always was, but she didn't care.

Bella opened her eyes slowly, wishing that he would still be there in the light of her room, on her bed with her. But he wasn't.

o-0-o

Bella clutched the box to her body again as she made her way outside. She looked around the courtyard and the outer buildings she had never really been to before.

Her head whipped to the side when she heard a very loud bang. Seeing a building with one wall completely gone, Bella got the impression that it was some type of garage. She looked down at the box in her hand and shook it again, hearing the metal clack around.

She looked back up at the garage. Metal. Hmm.

She began walking towards it, hoping there would be some place where she would throw the razors away.

When she reached the opening, she looked inside and saw rusted old cars, some with their hoods popped open. She could hear the mumble of talking and saw people moving around further inside. She stepped in out of the heat and began walking slowly around the garage. She heard banging and laughing and the sounds of wrenches being used.

She looked at the people and recognized a few, but for the most part, these people were strangers to her.

Her eyes scanned around again and at the very back she saw Rosalie. Rosalie had her hair pulled back in a bun and she had grease smeared over her face as she bent over the engine of a black beat up car.

Bella was about to make her way over to Rosalie when she felt a tap on her shoulder. Turning around she had to look up. The russet skinned boy was very tall and wearing a greasy mechanics outfit. He was holding a dirty red towel and wiping his hands as he looked at her.

"If you're going to be in here, you have to help." He said with some hostility that too her aback.

Bella gestured over her shoulder to Rosalie. "I was actually making my way over to my friend."

The boy looked over to where Bella pointed and then scowled, a disgusted look coming onto his face.

"Oh. So you're one of them." And with that he turned back to the car he was working on.

His tone and attitude made Bella uncomfortable and angry at the same time. "One of them? What does that mean?" Her eyes narrowed at him.

He shrugged still bent over the engine. "It means whatever you want it to mean. But the six of you were really something. I should probably say five now, huh?"

Bella blew out a harsh laugh. "Alright. Fine. Whatever." And she turned around beginning to make her way to Rosalie.

"Wait." The kid behind her called back to her. Bella turned around and raised her eyebrows. "You were with Cullen right?" He arched an eyebrow at her.

Bella shook her head. "Present tense. I still am."

He laughed at her. "Sure, sure."

"Do you have something against Edward? And me for that matter?"

He just looked at her. "What's your name?"

"Bella." She sighed and crossed her arms.

"I'm Jacob." He held out his hand but she didn't shake it. "See. It's things like that. The six of you think you're so much better than the rest of us." He said bitterly, going back to his engine.

"I don't think I'm better than anyone."

"Yes you do. I see how all of you act. Always separating yourselves during the meals, only talking to each other, you even paired off with each other."

"What's wrong with that?" Bella was pissed now.

Jacob shrugged sarcastically. "It just seems a little too perfect. All of you coming here and finding the one person you're supposed to be with." He looked back up at her and raised his eyebrows. "You sure you don't let the guys take turns getting in your pants?"

And Bella slapped him. Jacob clutched at his cheek while Bella pointed her quivering index finger at him.

"Don't ever talk to me again." She whispered with venom in her voice. With a parting glare she turned around and walked over to Rosalie, who was standing beside the car she'd been working on with a smile on her face.

When Bella reached her, Rosalie put an arm around her shoulders in a quick hug.

"I've wanted to do that to the werewolf since I met him." Rosalie whispered in Bella's ear.

"_That_ was Edward's roommate?" Bella asked incredulously.

Rosalie just nodded her head and took the box from Bella's hands. Opening it, she smiled widely at Bella and led her over to a few large buckets labeled 'Scrap Metal.'

She stood beside Bella and handed her the box. "This is all of them right?"

Bella nodded her head and took a deep breath.

Then with shaking hands, she lifted the lid and tilted it and watched as her past fell in shiny splinters to the buckets.

* * *

**Author's Note: **I told you. It's not some of my best work, but I'm pleased with it. Also, I was really surprised at how many people mentioned the fact that they didn't want Jacob to have any role in this story. And that got me thinking. Don't worry, he won't show up anymore, I just like teasing people!

Please leave a review, but I understand if you don't. This chapter is quite crappy.


	21. Chapter Twenty

**Author's Note: **Alright. As you can all see, I need to work on my self esteem. I'm really glad everyone seemed to like the last chapter.

Okay, I know I've been kind of sketchy with the time issues and stuff, but when I started writing this, I didn't think I would get past the prologue! Okay, Edward's trial at the very beginning is sometime in the middle of January and he arrives at the hospital closer to the end of January. Bella goes to the hospital around the same time, after Edward though. Edward stays for five months, leaving a little early in the middle of June before his 18th birthday. The time that has elapsed since he left is approximately three to four weeks.

Bella, Edward and Alice are all in the same grade and age bracket while Emmett, Jasper and Rosalie are all a year ahead – just like in the original Twilight. I'm so sorry that I didn't mention that sooner. Also if I confused anyone.

When I said no more Jacob, I meant no more Jacob!

* * *

**Healing**

"_Love consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other." – Rainer Maria Rilke_

"_I no longer cared about survival – I merely loved." – Loren Eiseley_

"_To live is like to love – all reason against it, and all healthy instinct for it." – Samuel _

_Butler_

"_Love, all love of other sights controls._

_And makes one little room an everywhere." – John Donne_

"_unlove's the heavenless hell and homeless home…lovers alone wear sunlight." – e.e. cummings_

_**Chapter Twenty**_

Edward was a tad bit uncomfortable. He was seated on the worn in couch in the living room of Bella's house. With her father seated right in front of him. Once he had mentioned to his mother that Charlie wanted to meet with him, she had taken it upon herself to track the man down, even though Bella had already given her address and phone number. Esme had spent over two hours on the phone with Charlie Swan, buttering him up for Edward's visit.

It hadn't worked one bit. At least in Edward's favor.

Edward had dressed respectably, but casually; he didn't want to overdo it, but he had been raised to make a good impression. He had parked along the street outside the modest two story house. It looked just as Bella described. He had taken a deep breath, ran a hand through his hair smoothing it where it stuck out, and then rang the bell.

Charlie opened the door and Edward immediately stuck out his hand. Like the first time they met, Charlie looked like he was about to refuse the formality, but shook Edward's hand anyway.

Once inside, Edward was assaulted with smells he recognized. No universal scent that was just in the air. No, it was Bella. The front hall carried her presence and he could almost feel her there with him. He began following Charlie down the hall towards the living room and his eyes scanned the walls.

They were covered in photographs. All of them of Bella. They seemed to go in age order, starting from when she was a baby, going through the toddler stages, then her in elementary school, middle school and finally the pictures he most recognized of her. He lingered in the hall for a moment staring transfixed by one in particular.

Her glasses were off and her long brown hair was swept over one shoulder, a blue backdrop behind her. Her cheeks were rosy, the rest of her skin beautifully pale. He could see the collar of her grey button up shirt that she wore. Her brown eyes were shining up at him through the glass of the frame. She was smiling like she held a secret.

She took his breath away. And he realized standing there in her house, smelling her, looking at pictures of her, meeting her father, just how much he missed her. Just how much he needed her. Just how much he loved her.

He was snapped out of his reverie by the clearing of a throat.

Edward went into the living room and sat down across from Charlie.

They sat in silence. Edward looked around the room and felt his stomach tighten. There were more pictures in here…of Charlie with what could only be assumed as friends of his.

They were dressed in hunting gear. Edward saw Charlie in different positions: holding a gun, holding a rifle, holding up the carcass of an animal he had butchered. There were others as well of fishing trips Edward had heard of from Bella and as his eyes scanned the room some more, Edward froze when he saw the very rifle in the pictures resting idly on the table off to the side.

"So," Edward's eyes snapped to Charlie's face. "Bella tells me you two have something going on."

Edward cleared his throat trying to form his words carefully. "Not just "something" sir, we're in a relationship."

Charlie's mouth pursed and he nodded his head. "Mmhmm. Mmhmm. But you see Edward," Charlie leaned back in his chair and pointed a finger at Edward, "I know who guys like you are."

Edward stayed still where he was. "Guys like me?"

Charlie nodded his head reaching over to the table with the rifle and picked up a cloth and began polishing it, but Edward knew it was all for show. Edward knew that Charlie was just trying to mess with him, get a rise out of him, try to catch him in some lie.

But Edward was ready to play.

"Guys who are interested in one thing." Charlie said in a calm, smug voice.

"I am only interested in one thing." Edward said in the same tone.

Charlie's eyes snapped to his face and an angry red creped into his cheeks. Edward smiled seeing now where Bella got it from.

Charlie misinterpreted Edward's smile. He slammed the rifle back down on the table and leaned forward in his seat.

"You listen here-"

"I'm only interested in your daughter." Edward cut him off.

Charlie huffed and fumed as he sat back rigidly in his seat.

Edward took a deep breath. "Listen Mr. Swan. I…_care_ very deeply for Bella. She's one of the most beautiful people I've met in my entire life. Both inside and out. She was there for me at a time when I thought no one else was. She barely even knew me and reached out to me. She helped me get over myself long enough to realize that the shit I was pulling wasn't going to cut it out in the real world." He paused rubbing a hand over his forehead. "She _is_ my world." He said the words softly and the resonated throughout the whole room with the depth of his sincerity. "And I'm not going to destroy it or allow anyone else," He paused and looked hard at Charlie, "to destroy it either."

Charlie sat there for what seemed like hours to Edward, the ticking of the clock sounding in the room. He never took his eyes from Edward and Edward didn't back down.

"Pretty big words for a kid in high school."

Edward quirked the left side of his mouth upwards. "Its how she makes me feel."

Charlie laced his fingers over his chest and sat watching Edward. "You're gonna have to ask for it."

Edward smiled and cleared his throat. "May I, please, have your permission to date your daughter…sir?" He added the sir as a little afterthought, hoping it would sway the man.

Charlie heaved a big dramatic sigh, making Edward roll his eyes. "Alright. Fine. You can date her. But you respect her. Don't you dare make her feel uncomfortable about…well…about…" he spluttered, turning red again, "about…intimate acts."

Edward nodded his head solemnly. He wasn't about to tell Charlie that it was actually he who had turned Bella down.

Leaving Bella's house a couple of minutes later, Edward had a smile on his face.

o-0-o

Waking up slowly and letting the sun rest on her face for a couple of minutes, Bella spent that time with Edward. Her eyes remained closed and she saw him in front of her. He was wearing shades of gray this time, his hair tousled perfectly over his forehead and while her fingers itched to brush it back or run them through it she stayed still, basking in the blissful pleasure.

He looked like he had just woken as well, and she knew that was only because of her current mental state. Half waking half dreaming.

She tried unsuccessfully to dredge up the memory of his scent and she wanted him to lean closer, which he did. But all she smelled was her own scent on her pillows, the scent of Alice in the room, the warmth of the sun and heat in the room.

Opening her brown eyes slowly, Bella smiled and stretched. She'd had a wonderful dream of her meadow with Edward. She wished she could go back there, but once she was up, she was up for the rest of the day until the sun went down.

The smile didn't leave Bella's face as she got up from her bed and slowly dressed for the day. Alice didn't have to leave clothes out for Bella anymore; it was weird how the ability to do that took on new meaning for Bella. She dressed in casual shorts and a blue top and ran a brush slowly through her hair, untangling it.

Feeling adventurous, she tried a new style that Alice had shown her last week. Her hair was naturally wavy so she was able to do it without all of the products Alice insisted upon. While she styled her hair, her mind went over the details of the "slumber party" for that night.

The general consensus knew it was a sort of farewell party for Rosalie, Emmett and Jasper who were leaving in a few days, but mostly everyone just wanted to sleep on the cool floors of the mess hall and spend time with friends.

Looking at her work in the mirror, Bella flashed herself a small smile and went to the door, placing a small kiss on her index finger and placing it over the picture of her and Edward tacked on the wall.

Closing her door, Bella began making her way to the stairs, giving smiles to people she recognized and even a small wave. She felt the air conditioning against her skin as she walked down the stairs and had a small content smile on her face.

When she reached the bottom, she stopped short.

She sighed forlornly. Her imagination really was beginning to take things too far. He was there, just down the hall from her, leaning against the wall. His hands were stuffed into the pockets of his jeans, one foot up against the wall; his head was turned down to the floor.

It was out of the ordinary for Bella to see him anywhere but she wasn't about to complain.

She wished for him to look at her and his head lifted and turned to face her.

Her breath caught in her throat. Apparently her imagination was getting better and better. His eyes were perfect. The truest essence of the emerald green color and intensity of his eyes were looking at her right now. They made her heart race and her palms became sweaty. She had finally gotten them right.

A slow smile was stretching across his face and Bella paused for a second before mentally shrugging. If her mind wanted him to smile then smile he would.

Her eyes travelled down his body as he began making his way towards her. It was perfect. Just the way he was the last time she'd seen him. All muscles and angles. But... black clothes. She bit her lip and imagined him dressed in the blues or grays that she liked on him better.

But nothing happened. Nothing about his clothes changed like they always did.

Her brow creased in concentration, but nothing changed.

Again she shrugged. If she really wanted him in black then who was she to argue with herself?

He drew nearer and all of his features stood out in bold relief from the other numerous times she'd imagined him with her. Bella smiled. She really was good at this now and she felt her heart soar at the thought of drawing this image before her up for the rest of the time she was without him.

"What?" Her Imaginary Edward asked her quietly still smiling at her.

"I'm just surprised at how real you look this time. That's all."

He cocked his head to the side still watching her. "Why am I not real?" Curiosity was in his voice and it made Bella pause again. She didn't realize she'd wanted him to question her.

But she didn't get the chance to respond because she heard booming laughter behind them. She turned and saw Emmett and Jasper coming towards her with huge smiles on their faces. Bella was so confused. They usually greeted her with smiles and hugs but they looked like they hadn't seen her in awhile.

And then she felt it. Or rather, she felt him. His hand on the small of her back. He never touched her when she imagined him. Never.

Her head turned slowly back to him and he was still there. Still perfect in all of his beauty.

A beauty she hadn't seen in almost a full month. A beauty she had so desperately wished to view once again, but had never gotten it right.

Until now.

Because now, he was real. He was really standing in front of her, smiling just for her, his green eyes twinkling just for her.

Her eyes were wide and her mouth had dropped open in a small gasp as she looked at him.

She didn't know anything else. She heard nothing else; saw nothing else, except him.

And she had to be in his arms once again.

Without another thought in her head, Bella leapt up at him, her feet coming off the floor and she felt the heavenly tingle and rush as his arms swept around her.

But then they were falling. She hadn't even realized that the staircase leading to the first floor was directly behind them when she had pounced, but there it was.

She heard Edward's angel like voice throw out muffled curses and his arms tightened gloriously around her body, one hand coming up to shield the back of her head against the blows of the hard wooden steps.

But Bella didn't feel any pain. She didn't even notice they were falling in a haphazard tangle of limbs and hair and swearing on Edward's part.

All she knew was him.

And then the world stopped spinning and she was underneath him, his arms still tight around her, his body shielding her above him, his face nestled in between her neck, breathing hot air as he continued to say muffled things.

She vaguely caught something about "fucking warning a guy" but then he was lifting his head to look at her and he became concerned because of the tears.

The tears were running down her cheeks and she didn't even notice she'd been crying.

All she noticed was him.

She felt his hands cup her face, his thumbs running along her cheeks and her eyes closed at the blissful feeling it brought.

"Are you okay?" He was whispering furiously. "Bella? Are you alright? Bella say something?"

And she felt every line of his body against hers as he cowered protectively over her, his hands lovingly framing her face as she cried. He looked more and more panicked as the seconds wore on and all she did was lay there beneath him crying. She knew she had to reassure him and opened her mouth to do so.

But she grabbed the front of his shirt and smashed their lips together. And it was like coming home. The only home she would ever want.

Her arms went around his neck, holding him in a vice grip to her body and his hands stayed on her face as they eased into the kiss. But then they went lower, to her neck, to her shoulders, to her waist, as if assessing that she was real.

Her hands did their exploring as well, gently tugging his hair, roaming over his shoulders and back.

And their tongues tangled, their breath mixed, their fingers touched, and their tears fell onto each other's clothing.

And Bella was lost to him. She didn't feel the hard floor beneath her; hear the people gathering around at the scene they were making.

It was happiness and pain and longing and desire. It was tears and sweetness and darkness and joy. It was meetings and partings. It was anger and forgiveness. It was tingles and sparks and electricity. Messy and neat and tongues and lips and hair and eyes and fingertips and relief. It was Bella. It was Edward.

It was the last piece of their puzzle.

And Bella didn't know if she was supposed to keep crying or start laughing, but all she knew was that she would keep kissing him until he stopped.

o-0-o

When the commotion had started, Marcy stuck her head out of the door to her office and a smile lit her face at the sight before her.

Bella and Edward tangled together on the floor. Welcoming each other home.

She turned when she heard a few nurses running down the hall, but she held up a hand to stop them.

Turning her attention to the magnificent couple on the floor by the stairs, she said in a quiet voice, "Leave them." And then she turned back to her office and lifted her arms over her head, stretching her back, a wide smile on her face.

o-0-o

The need for air had pulled them apart from each other, but Edward kept his forehead planted on top of hers as he gazed hungrily into her eyes. He had been without them for so long and he wasn't going to waste another minute not looking at them.

Her hand was stroking through his hair and his body thrilled with the contact.

And then he heard the sweetest words ever to be wished.

Bella looked into Edward's eyes, tears still leaking from hers.

"I love you." She whispered against his lips.

A jubilant smile broke out on his face and he felt the tears blur his own vision as he cupped her face again.

"With everything I am I love you too." His body was trembling as he spoke the words and he felt her arms shaking as she held onto him tighter.

Their lips pressed against each other again and Edward vaguely heard Emmett up the stairs.

"Well that's one way to test a hallucination."

* * *

**Author's Note: **I couldn't wait! This chapter has been in my head for such a long time now and I wanted to get it out as soon as I could. It practically wrote itself.

I'm sorry to say that all that is left is the epilogue! I'm really surprised that only two people remembered my prologue and when I put up the second chapter how it said it was six months earlier…Edward was only in the hospital for five months. He came back to visit. This is when the prologue comes in!

I hope you all liked this one! I hope it was what you wanted it to be. This has been where I was going with the story ever since I started writing it and I am tremendously happy with it!

Thank you so much for reading and please leave a review!


	22. Epilogue

**Healing**

_**Epilogue**_

Groaning softly, Edward kept his eyes shut and let the rest of his body slowly come awake. His ribs hurt, he had a cramp in his left leg and he was hungry as hell. But his head was resting on one of the comfiest pillows ever. He sighed and moved his head trying to bury it further in the soft depths but then stopped short when it moved.

His eyes opened a tiny fraction and he saw that the upper half of his body was lying on top of Bella. His head was resting on her stomach and his arms had wound around her body holding her to him as he slept.

He realized though that her hands were buried in his hair so she had done the same thing.

He wondered why no one had pulled them apart during the night, but he wasn't about to complain. He was very comfortable where he was.

He just lay there, listening to the sound of her breathing, smelling the scent coming off her clothing and skin. Freesia mixed with fabric softener. His new favorite smell.

He tried burrowing into her a little more, wanting to feel her pressed against him more, but stopped short when he felt her small hands running through his hair. His eyes closed automatically and he let out a sigh of contentment.

He heard her hum lightly and turned his head so his chin was resting softly on her stomach and his eyes met her. Her glasses had fallen off sometime during the night and her brown eyes looked wide and soft.

She was smiling at him and he was more than happy to return it.

"I dreamed about our meadow." She whispered to him softly, still running her fingers through his hair.

He placed a gentle kiss on the fabric covering her stomach.

He was about to say something when he felt someone sit down next to them. Looking over he saw it was Emmett.

Bella and Edward looked as Emmett crossed his plaid pajama covered legs and looked at them with all the seriousness in the world.

"Am I interrupting?" He asked them.

"Actually…" Bella began in a small voice.

"Good." Emmett cut her off and turned to Edward, who lowered his head back to Bella's stomach saying, "You've gotta be fucking kidding me."

"Alright Edward. This has been fighting to come out since yesterday." Edward lifted his head again because for once, Emmett seemed actually serious about something.

"When I see you next," Emmett said leaning in, "and I push you into oncoming traffic, don't worry. That's just me trying to see if you're real or not."

And then he was grinning and patting Edward on the shoulder.

Bella's head fell back to her pillow with a groan and Edward tried hard not to laugh.

"Fuck. Off. Emmett." But he was already gone, laughing all the way back to where he had set up his sleeping bag.

Edward rolled and scooted up on the floor so he was lying next to her and took her hand bringing it to his lips.

"It's not everyday that you're thrown down a flight of stairs." He mused.

His smile widened when he heard Bella huff next to him. "I was happy to see you. Jesus. I've learned my lesson. I'll never try to hug you again."

"Oh don't be like that. I thought it was a cute reaction. It was very…you." He said looking at her profile.

Her lips twitched and she was fighting a smile.

"Hey, it could have been worse. I really could have been imaginary. And you would have tumbled down all of those steps alone and they would have locked you up for being even more delusional than they thought and I never would have seen you again and no one would take you to shower for fear you'd try to drown yourself and-"

"Alright, I get it. Always look around me before going with my impulses." She was laughing now and Edward joined her.

She turned her head to face him. Grabbing his hand she took his index and middle fingers and brought them to her lips.

"Two weeks." She whispered against his fingers.

He arched a confused brow at her.

She smiled at him and said, "Two weeks."

He thought for a moment and then it dawned on him. "You're getting out. In two weeks."

And she nodded her head, smiling at him. "I called my dad and he said it would be alright if you wanted to pick me up that morning."

"I'll be there bright and early." He couldn't stop smiling.

And then there was noise as other kids started waking up and they could vaguely hear Emmett and Jasper yelling at them on the other side of the mess hall that it was time for breakfast and they knew they were laying entirely too close for the rules of the slumber parties, but Edward could not take his eyes from hers and Bella couldn't let go of his hand.

And for the first time in a long time, Edward and Bella felt like everything was coming together. They were whole and breathing and together and in love. And in that moment, in that split second, as they looked at each other, they were perfect and healed.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Mushy ending, but I wanted it that way. I want to say a big huge ginormous messy THANK YOU to everyone! I mean everyone! If you stumbled upon my prologue back in August and put it on alert, if you came in half way through, if you're just reading this now for the first time, thank you all so much!

I feel very accomplished. I'm the type of writer who only does one shots so to be completing my first multi chaptered fic is quite a big deal for me.

I promised myself I would never do this…but with this story I made it a goal to reach 1,000 reviews…I'm just 9 away so it would be really really great if you left one! This is something I never thought I could do so it would be really nice if it could be accomplished.

**Coming up: **Some people have asked and some I've answered back. Against my better judgment, I've already started writing a continuation of this. Nothing too angsty or drama filled. I don't want to do anything like that when I've already done too much to Edward and Bella already. I really want to write them together in the real world. It will be short,well shorter than this and it will just be like an extended epilogue and will just show glimpses of their future. Good idea? Bad idea? Please let me know.

I have ideas for other stories as well, but so far they're not coming together like this one did. I'll keep working on them though because I think they could be good.

Again, thank you all so much for sticking with this story. It's been pretty great reading all of your reactions and thoughts and compliments. I've appreciated all of it. Thank you!


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